He grasped his bedclothes with a sigh, ready to tuck himself in and bed down for the night. He sighed anew when Lars spoke, this time with relief rather than misery. His heart beat a little faster, pleased to get a response but also pleased that Lars had told him that he wasn't disgusting. He was glad of that, glad that he didn't think that he was vile and reprehensible and every other nasty thing he could think that could be associated with his sexuality. The young man sat up, wrapping his arms around his knees as he realised that he needed to stay awake so that he could have a conversation with his roommate. It had to be done quietly but it was necessary. Besides, there was no guarantee that Jamie would wake up at the least thing. Sometimes he could sleep like the dead but there seemed to be no rhyme or reason to when the boy woke and when he didn't; it was a game of chance. If there was a chance that the boy was stirring then he could always just move to Lars' bed to continue the conversation.
Although he wasn't sure if he could risk being that close to the other blond again. He might try to hug him again or something. Sweet Alioe, he didn't even think that he could deal with his smell. He'd had a bath but Fionn imagined that it was a scent that would cling to his bed and gods, it was a strangely alluring smell. He'd thought that the other night after the boy had failed to have a bath in the midst of Fred drama. Given that he didn't want to go jumping the young man - the sweet, pure and utterly innocent man, don't even fucking think of doing it - then it was probably best if he just avoided that area altogether.
However, when the other began talking about gestures, whatever relief he had felt dropped into the pit of his stomach where it shrivelled up and died. Fionn gulped, the sound possibly audible to the other blond as he gazed into the semi-darkness.
Sick. That was worse than disgusting.
If the gestures sickened him then what on Vita would he make of the actual acts? Heck, Fionn thought that some of it was sickening. Sometimes, when certain things were very- When things weren't entirely enjoyable, entirely consensual then it did tend to be a bit... sickening. Right now, he felt less than happy about the whole matter, ready to curl himself into a ball and pretend that he wasn't... ill.
"I-I-I didn't mean to be- I didn't notice that I was doing it. Th-the gestures," he stammered out, face hot and quite scarlet as he gazed at his own knees rather than risking looking at Lars, even in the dark. "I... Easier to talk with my hands than using words. I don't have the words for- I can't really talk about-"
He sighed, a hand going through his blond hair, for once incapable of finding the right thing to say. This wasn't a topic that he could manage, not well, not without being crude. Disgusting. Sick.
"I'm sorry, really. I didn't know that you'd be... I get what you mean about feeling sick. I... it's gross if you aren't... involved," he commented, making a vague and airy gesture with his hand before he realised what he was doing and sat on it. It wasn't crude but now he was all too aware that he moved his hands too much.
"I'm not making fun of you, really. Not by speaking like you or... I'm sorry, I know you don't want to talk about it but... you're twenty-six, right? Really? You really haven't- No one's ever done anything to you? How have you- I don't-" Stammer, stutter, strained voice, almost pained as he tried to understand how the man could have gone sixteen years - sixteen fucking years - untouched when Fionn hadn't even managed-
He flinched in the dark, remembering another time, an earlier time when he had been too young, far too young and Ayden's voice soft and soothing in the dark while Fionn cried, sounds muffled. Even now those memories came back raw and agonising, still fresh after all these years. And yet in spite of it, he couldn't hate the man, warped though their relationship had been. Might become again.
"Lars... I know that you're good but... don't get into trouble, will you? Don't... give Ayden reason to notice you again. If he has reason to punish you... Just don't let him. Promise me that you- I know it doesn't make sense but... please be good, Lars. Please don't do anything like... like with Fred."