And then to his reply about not being bothered, she tilted her head, “If you are not bothered, then why did you bring it up? It’s not like I care what others think. Lorent kept me away from most people anyway. Besides, I can’t see my own face, so I don’t even know what you see.” In truth, she never really paid attention to her reflection when bathing in streams, and had never really looked in a mirror since those were scarce in the wilderness.
His next words caused her to shake her head in exasperation. “Firstly, I was not waving that stupid knife. I was only showing you that I am not completely defenseless as you seem to think I am, and it wasn’t even a threat to you. I don’t stick knives in people who are trying to help me.” She actually sounded insulted. “I happen to have something much more effective on my person at all times… I do have to eat, you know? I carry a crossbow. Those can kill a lot easier than some tiny ass knife.” Her insulted tone had gone away by that point and she yawned.
The man started to throw names around. She was nonplussed. Her eyes were steady on his face, no recognition of whom he spoke of. “Well, here is the thing. I live in the damn woods. I don’t talk to a lot of people. Think about it… Do you honestly think I have a clue as to what you are talking about? Bad brother? Silas Hawke? Even if someone told me about these people, I have cheese for brains when it comes to remembering shit that has no real significance to me.”
When he replied to her words about Lorent, she shrugged, “Whatever he did or did not do when not in my presence, he did keep me safe. He was the only father I knew but I am not stupid to believe his flatulence smelled of roses. If he did wrong, he did wrong. Simple as that. Whatever he did does not diminish the fact that I am alone and overwhelmed. Believe it or not, I do look at a bigger picture.”
Xonia tilted her head at his saying how he protected what was his. She wasn’t sure what he was talking about that was his to protect. She didn’t address it, she simply went on to his next words about starting over. Gracious but the man was exhausting.
“I can handle a knife… You kinda need to know how to do so when you hunt your own food.” She wanted to hit his forehead as if to expel his weirdness. She shook her head instead and dismissed the rest of her thoughts. It was like he was trying to mansplain. She didn’t need someone to hold her hand, and she was starting to give him wtf looks. The dude was really weird, she concluded, and really confusing. Talking of shit she didn’t know, implying she was some helpless little lamb in a wolf’s den, questioning abilities when he didn’t even know her to know she was fine on her own. Her next thought was to just walk out and not look back… But she didn’t. She would have to ride out whatever storm she had just entered into by associating herself with a complete stranger who annoyed the shit out of her, yet at the same time gave her some things to think about.
Not knowing how he was perceiving what her meaning was about her feeling drawn to him, she finally sighed and just said in a quiet tone… “Listen… I don’t want trouble. I don’t want to be a burden… You didn’t have to stop and come my way, but you did. I followed you because I didn’t feel him like I felt you… Like you were right behind me when you weren’t. I have never been around your kind to know what that feeling is. I am a Wick, or at least that is how I was raised. I didn’t have to follow you but I did. I just want to sleep without worrying that some asshole is going to jump out at me the way someone did to Lorent. I want to know who I am… I want to belong. You probably don’t get it, so maybe it was stupid of me to follow you, and even dumber to ask you to stay in a room with me while I sleep… But I am tired and I have never been on my own for this long, so maybe I am scared. For the record, I was drawing a map when I was at the beach. I don’t have daddy issues. I talk to myself to remember things or to try and figure things out. I can wait for sleep, food is fine by me.” She looked up at the ceiling, and despite her best efforts, a few, annoying drops of saline swam in her eyes and she angrily swiped them away before they could dribble down her cheeks. She was not about to start crying in front of him or anyone else.
How is it that one could feel so utterly alone when in the presence of others? It was giving her that headache… the one that preceded the stolen moments. Damn it… That was what shut her up; what caused her to rub at the back of her head like it was going to stop the inevitable. She gritted her teeth and beads of sweat appeared above her lip as she fought an episode. That foul taste filtered into her mouth. Fuck it, let him think she was tuning him out. She stopped fighting it and stared at nothing.