[Mature] Say A Little Prayer...

[Fionn]

Hamis 25, 2719 | Late Evening
Laundries, Brunnhold

.

Fionn had no idea how he’d gotten into this situation. Well, he did… in a vague sort of way if he thought about it. Not thinking was better though. Not thinking meant that he didn’t know that Lars had been missing since the day before yesterday or rather that that had been the last day he’d been seen. Thinking meant he’d worry, worrying too much meant that he’d start panicking.

The passive had been working himself hard today so that he could feel something other than the worry gnawing away in the pit of his stomach. Aching muscles were good. Sticking his hands in cold water and keeping them submerged as he scrubbed at protein stain after stain was also good, especially when it reached a point where bending or straightening his knuckles sent pain lancing through them — a strong sensation in otherwise chill numbed hands. Outward physical sensations were good, better than hurting inside. It was probably why he hadn’t stopped the other youth from kneeling before him and undoing buttons. It wasn’t as if he’d said yes but he hadn’t said no either. Given that he had his fingers firmly tangled in brunette strands and drawing him nearer rather than pushing him away, the middle Madden couldn’t be said to be complaining.

Pleasure was a good distracting sensation — you could drown in it.

None of this was intentional, he certainly hadn’t come into the laundry store room with the idea of getting fellated by a guy who he was familiar with but whose name he couldn’t even remember. Terrence? Thomas? Fuck if he knew and honestly, who clocking cared?

The teenager had been worried yesterday but he’d done everything he could to excuse his concerns about Lars. He’d wandered around actually looking for him, asking a careful question or two but no one had seen him yesterday. And so he had finished his work for Keyes the previous day and come to the laundry afterwards, had inserted himself into the work and he had looked.

But there had been no sign of his former roommate.

Today, the fear had set in a bit deeper, clutching tightly at his heart. It had been much the same as yesterday but with greater distraction, greater worry and more thoughts about what might have happened.
Sometimes passives just disappeared. If they died — even if it was by their own hand — then you knew about it; at the very least, there was a whisper. Sometimes they were reassigned but again, you heard about it — usually to envy those who were going on to greener pastures beyond their daily drudgery. But there were always one or two who just… vanished. Not just physically gone but not talked about again, often as if they’d never existed. It was why the stories about Moore and Devlin luring passives away — passives who never came back — had some credence.

The last time Lars had gone missing after Fionn had almost killed him, unbeknownst to the teenager he’d been dragged off campus by Harper Moore to spend a few days in Muffey. Maybe it was something like that. It didn’t have to be a sign that he’d been- He wasn’t truly missing, just… temporarily elsewhere.

When he’d thought that the blond had died, he hadn’t been able to go to Laboratory Beta, not straight away. He’d been too frightened to find out the end result of Ayden’s coercion. True, by not investigating at the time, he hadn’t known whether Lars had survived or not but the lack of confirmation had also meant that he could hope. It was probably why he’d gotten halfway to Laboratory Beta today before he’d turned back — he hadn’t been able to face hearing a truth that he might not have liked.

So he’d fallen into a similar pattern as the previous evening. He’d come a bit later this time though, asking a few more questions first and so it was a bit quieter when he’d arrived in the laundries — the graveyard shift. Even as he worked, more passives dribbled out in pursuit of food and baths. Two overseers became one and two dozen workers almost halved, the remaining Matron pitching in to help. The idea was to finish up the washing for the night, allowing items to dry until morning when they’d been ironed and pressed and sent off. What were left were lower priority items and those passives that had been working all day had been let off, whereas those who were left now had started a bit later.

Fionn wasn’t part of the regular shift here and so he hadn’t been dismissed, a number of them hadn’t including Terrence/Thomas and Aurelie. He’d seen the redhead but he hadn’t really looked her way — hadn’t really looked anybody’s way — as she wasn’t Lars. The Hessean’s distinctive blond head wasn’t there, wasn’t anywhere and that was why he’d been basically rubbing his skin off in the cold water tub.

The middle Madden hadn’t paid any attention to others but apparently Terrence/Thomas had been watching him, drifting in after him when he entered the storeroom for… something unimportant probably. Once he walked in, he didn’t fully remember why he’d come in. And that’s when the other young man had come in after him.

“Hello. You uh… are you doing okay?”

“Hi… Fine, yeah,” he’d muttered distractedly before drifting off to one side, fingers moving over items on the shelves, wandering aimlessly.

“You seem tense. Really tense…” the other had murmured, moving close to set a gentle hand on the blond’s arm. Fionn hadn’t looked at him, he’d just had other things on his mind, hadn’t wanted to converse—it hardly felt like the time for pleasantries—and then the tentative hand had found his shoulder and he’d begun massaging the tension out and his fingers had brushed his collarbones through his shirt and-

Things had sort of just… happened. He really had no idea how things had reached this juncture, the events scrambled and disjointed in his mind. Was he going to end up screwing this guy in the laundry storeroom when anyone could enter—unlikely at this hour—and catch them at it? No, probably not, he didn’t think he had the will for that kind of carry on because right now he was—hilariously—passive. This was something that was happening to him rather than something he’d initiated and he might have been misremembering but he didn’t think that Terrence/Thomas was the kind to take the lead on these things.

Someone could walk in on them like this but he didn’t care about that either. What was the worst that could happen? The only one who could get them into real trouble was the Matron and she would have her eye on the others. It was only if they were gone too long…

Anyone else would just turn around and walk straight back out again or pretend that they’d seen nothing. It wasn’t as if they were immediately visible or anything, in amongst some shelves but if someone came in and moved down that way then they’d get a surprise. Although there were definitely some sounds, soft, clandestine but audible, recognisable if you knew what you were hearing.

But he wasn’t thinking about getting caught or where this was going though. Fionn was just trying to cling to the moment, just the sensations, anything so that he wouldn’t remember kissing Lars in this room, wouldn’t think about how distant he’d been from the Hessean of late, wouldn’t have to think about how something terrible might have happened to him and here he was-

Brown eyes closed, breath sawed in and out of his mouth before he bit his lip, stopping himself from vocalising anything. His head tilted back against the wall, one hand stroking the other boy’s shoulder while the other one remained firmly planted in his hair. And he would have rode out the moment to its blissful conclusion, leaving room for the sourness of the action to come later, if it hadn’t been for the new presence.

Fionn could sense nexi and he could also distinguish individual ones. The boy kneeling before him didn’t have a nexus that he could have picked out although he’d have some vague familiarity now like catching sight of a half-remembered face. Some people were very well known to him though. Anybody who came in, he’d know about it but for most, the youth wouldn’t have bothered to pay attention to them, would have acted as if they weren’t there because they’d beat a retreat soon enough anyway.

So when he sensed it, he basically tried to swat it away mentally like a nuisance insect. It wasn’t that simple though and whether he wanted to pay attention to it or not, the essence of personhood that permeated the nexus was horribly familiar, even if he was slow to respond to it.

When he did, his eyes flew open in shock, some animation returning to his features although it had been largely absent up until now as he registered the terribly close presence of which his companion had no awareness. He managed to feel something as well, something outside of the Lars situation or the rather physical sensations of the moment.

Shame.

Guilt.

Self-disgust.

Aurelie had seen!

Fionn has thought he didn’t care if he was disturbed or who by but he’d been wrong. Of course, he hadn’t wanted Aura to see this and the apology radiated from his features. It wasn’t as if he- This wasn’t- It didn’t mean that he didn’t want-

Fuck!

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Hamis 25, 2719 Late Evening | Brunnhold Laundries

It had been a strange day.

Aurelie didn't normally work in the laundry, especially not on the fives, and yet here she was. Doing laundry, on a five, and a late shift to boot. Pulled in after a morning of cleaning dishes and putting away deliveries, seemingly just to make her day longer. To do a task she was only passably skilled with and absolutely loathed.

She couldn't say it was thrilling under any circumstances, but this night had been distinctly… less so than usual. At first she had almost been a little pleased, because Fionn was also there. Aurelie knew better than to strike up a conversation in full view of everyone, but she had at least hoped to say hello. Wave perhaps. An anxiety had been growing in her gut that she couldn't shake. It had been nearly a month, after all, since she'd seen him. Nearly two weeks since her distinctly uncomfortable conversation with Niamh, too. Rationally she had decided that what the student had been implying about a “different view of events” had been just a way to get under her skin. After all, Niamh's concerns had seemed centered around the idea that they might like each other too much. And yet… Rationality seemed to have left her, at least on this matter. So she was anxious, and had hoped to relieve that anxiety just a little.

Except it hadn't worked that way.

If anything the feeling was worse now than it had been at the start of the shift. Fionn had seemed strange, off in a way she didn't know him well enough to put a finger on but had become obvious after lengthy (and hopefully surreptitious) observation. Distracted. Even she couldn't see how that could be her fault, though she had no clue what was to blame either. Maybe she could have at least asked--assuming she had managed to even catch his eye. Which she hadn't. Not even once, for even a moment. There was a distinctly unpleasant feeling in her mouth. Aurelie ignored it. Easy enough to accomplish, given the physically draining nature of the work. There simply wasn't room to dwell on much around her exhaustion, eventually, even if she felt pulled tight as a rubber band.

Their numbers dwindled as the work did. Only a few stray tasks to complete now, none of which were demanding. Aurelie needed--she needed something to do, something else. A practical problem to solve, a task with actions she could carry out. Her head couldn't be counted on to be reasonable, but her hands could still be useful for something.

"I'll just put these away," she called out to no one in particular, indicating boxes of starch and blue that could be put back in storage now that their purpose had been fulfilled. She received no particular response; silence wasn't a no, and it needed doing eventually even if not right this moment, so that was that. Aurelie gathered them up and headed to the storeroom.

Perhaps if she had been paying more attention to her surroundings, she would have heard the sounds coming from the back of the room. She might then also have had the good sense to put her items on a much closer shelf, and not the one towards the back where they belonged. A few things out of place wasn't too terrible an issue, and could be sorted by whoever came in the morning. But as it was, she wasn't paying any sort of attention at all to anything outside of her skull.

Until she came back far enough to see-- Fionn and he was making a face and--

Oh.

Oh.

"Oh! I--I'm-- Sorry!" Was that her voice, all strangled and strange? She supposed it was. Many things slid into place all at once. Aurelie wasn't sure what sort of face she was making, couldn't seem to look away until she did, abruptly. Whirled around, possibly still babbling an apology or perhaps something about how she was leaving. To her credit, at least, she did not drop the things she was carrying to the floor and flee like she wanted to. Instead she hastily put them on the nearest available space and took a few steps at a perfectly normal pace.

"Y-you should, er, M-matron will probably be… soon, uhm. Anyway. Er. Sorry." She thought she sounded remarkably calm, under the circumstances. Reasonable even. That was good. She didn't feel--she didn't know what she felt. Embarrassed, but what by? Interrupting while they were-- yes. That was it.

There's your answer, silly twit. Which was fine. She was fine. Startled, but who wouldn't be? It wasn't every day that one walked into a storage room and saw… Well. So she was fine if surprised, and would get over it and forget about it soon enough and didn't feel brittle and stupid at all. She could just keep walking out of the room and by the time she got to the door she might even have returned to her normal color. At any moment, she would do this. Because she was completely, totally, absolutely fine.

[Fionn]

Hamis 25, 2719 | Late Evening
Laundries, Brunnhold

.

The teenager could have died. Right there, right then and not in the good way. It was like when Lars had walked in on him and Jamie, except that Aurelie was far more expressive than the Hessean, the shock of understanding — still dawning — clear to see, even before she whirled around so that she didn’t have to see… this. Not that there was much to see but unfortunately it was enough — too much.

If she hadn’t spoken then the young man kneeling before him in a parody of prayer wouldn’t have even known that she was there. Terrence/Thomas didn’t have Fionn’s awareness of nexi and the redhead was quiet so he wouldn’t have known that they had company. If it had been anyone else, they wouldn’t have announced their presence but this was Aura so of course she had; she seemed incapable of hiding anything — including herself. Thankfully for her — before she had a chance to turn away — he was able to hide enough for both of their sakes, holding the young man’s head in place as he gave a guilty start and went to look. He felt the graze of teeth and winced, but the blond wasn’t really concerned about that currently, albeit it wasn’t the sort of sensation that he’d been hoping for right now.

It was rare that the young man was struck dumb but this was as good an occasion as any, especially as there was plenty that he wanted to say — not that he could remember what words were at present. He didn’t rightly know what wanted to say to her beyond expressing some sort of apology and tell her that this wasn’t what it looked like.

Well, it was exactly what it looked like — there was no denying that — but it didn’t mean anything. Fuck’s sake, he couldn’t even remember this ersehole’s name, it wasn’t as if he gave a damn about him. He did care about her though and the look on her face-

It was enough to make him choke, of course it was. He couldn’t have said a word if his life had depended on it. If Lars was- If something had happened to Lars then he didn’t want to lose her either. However, she was gone before he had a chance to gather his wits and they weren’t quick to return in any case.

“Tocks! Who sneaks up on-” his companion began, the hold on his head having eased.

“Shut your head!” Fionn snarled, jabbing his knee into the other’s chest so that he went sprawling, the teenager fumbling with buttons.

“Good Lady! There’s no need to-” the other began petulantly, hurt unmistakeable in his voice, which had grown louder. The middle Madden made a shushing gesture.

“You going to yell loud enough for everyone to hear? Want to bring the Matron running?” he hissed, fingers running through his hair in his agitation.

Alioe’s Name, what had he come in here for anyway? He had to leave here with something, whatever it was he’d come into the storeroom for in the first place. He didn’t think that anyone would notice but it was a risk he couldn’t take, especially as he could imagine how much attention people would have started paying once Aurelie’s shocked expression made its way into their midst; Fionn couldn’t imagine her managing to hide it.

Tick it, he didn’t care; maybe he’d been bringing something back for all anybody else knew.

“Wait before you follow me out,” he ordered Terrence/Thomas before he walked out, wiping his hands on his trousers and making for the cold water tub where he’d been working. His walk was a purposeful one rather than the look of someone guilty, which was why he didn’t even look about him; that was a sure sign that you were checking to see who might be watching you.

He dunked his arms into the tub up to the elbow, wrestling with the various bedlinens he’d been scrubbing stains out of and dragged them up out of the water, the cloth shockingly heavy. He wrung out the waterlogged material, using a wringer to press out as much excess water as he could before carrying them over to the boiling tubs. While he was carrying the load, which was still heavy enough, he had a chance to spot Aurelie and manoeuvre himself close to her when he added his items to the steaming waters.

The young man watched the woman from the corner of his eye as he took up position at the tub with a roll of his shoulders. His gaze found the Matron, who was busy attending to those who were sorting out the drying process and thus, wouldn’t be making her way back over here yet. In the meantime, he wasn’t going to draw attention to himself. He didn’t look directly at Aurelie but he allowed his elbow to nudge her lightly and he spoke as softly as he could, moving his lips as little as he could as he kept his head bowed down.

“Aura, I’m s-s-sorry you- I’m sorry. It just… happened,” he admitted, his voice tight with guilt. He swallowed hard, unsure what else to say, unsure how to make things right between them. This was the sort of thing that ordinarily he wouldn’t even like to talk about with anyone, never mind someone who wasn’t… male. The fact that she was a woman made this much, much worse, he realised.

“It didn’t m-mean anything,” the blond explained, shrugging slightly although it might just as easily have been another effort to take the tension out of his shoulders. “I d-d-don’t even know his name.”

The youth laughed softly, nervously, fighting the desire to run a hand over the back of his neck. He risked a quick glance her way, trying to gauge her response as he chewed the inside of his lip. “I’m uh… not the most- If I w-was a woman you’d c-c-call me a s-slut.”

Fionn didn’t think that he was making things any better here. She’d heard the rumours so it couldn’t have come as a huge surprise but that probably didn’t help. Hearing it was one thing but seeing it… would have come as a shock. Especially if she thought- Well, it had been a while since he’d talked to her, wasn’t it? Did the words he’d said in Keyes’ office seem a bit empty now? He hadn’t exactly sought her out but it hadn’t been- It wasn’t all that easy.

“I m-m-meant what I said before. I… I am i-i-interested,” he whispered.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Hamis 25, 2719 Late Evening | Brunnhold Laundries

Aurelie had left the storage room and returned to her work without saying a word or looking around to anybody. This was normal, because she was feeling completely normal, if perhaps a little upset with herself for having said anything instead of just quietly turning around and leaving. That was rude of her. Awkward, too--she hadn’t seen who else was there, though there was assuredly a someone else, and maybe she made it uncomfortable for three people. Or two. She wasn’t uncomfortable, she thought. She was, of course, fine.

That’s why when she saw Fionn come back out of the storage room she didn’t immediately turn her face back down to the tub in front of her because she saw him, but instead because she needed to pay attention to the task at hand. Any color in her face was from the heat--and it was hot, steam making hair stick to her face unpleasantly. So that’s all that was. She certainly didn’t avoid looking at him as he got closer, or nearly jerk in surprise when he elbowed her. The only reason she didn’t look at him then was because--because maybe they’d get in trouble. For talking. Somehow. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust her face to remain as carefully neutral as it was.

”Y-you don’t have to apologize,” she mumbled back. What was her voice doing? It sounded distinctly strained. That was odd. Aurelie bit her lip, flicking her eyes over to where Matron stood overseeing the others. She likely couldn’t hear them. That was good, though Aurelie would keep her voice down anyway. She hated drawing attention to herself.

Why was he apologizing to her? He didn't need to. It wasn't like--she didn't--she sort of knew this already, didn't she? She was just startled. To see it. Sort of--at least she hadn't seen that much. Just enough. More than enough. But that hardly required an apology. Maybe one might be owed to whoever-he-was; it struck her a little rude to not even remember his name. What did it matter to her if it meant anything? Aurelie continued her work and didn't turn even her eyes to look at him. Some part of her noted that he seemed anxious, though the rest of her couldn't think of why. Her opinion couldn't matter that much--they hadn't even crossed paths in a month.

"Would they?" she asked loftily. "Since you aren't a woman, then what word would you use for--" She cut herself off, abruptly horrified at the tone of voice that came out of her mouth. Too sharp, too brittle. That wasn't necessary, or kind, and she didn't want to be--there was no reason to act like this. Aurelie squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and opened them again. Why had she said that? Like she was upset?

Except--Fionn seemed so eager to assure her he meant what he said before! Aurelie's hands slowed and she turned her face, just a little, to glance at him. She knew her face had to be terrible, she could feel her expression shifting even if she was struggling to make sense of it. The anxiety that had been plaguing her all day pressed against her teeth; Aurelie didn't want to let it escape. Fionn didn't need to hear it--nobody needed to hear it, it didn't matter. She understood, it wasn't as if there was any reason to have wanted to see her. Had she done something to make him feel like he had to say this to her now? Aurelie knew she was--it wasn't as if anyone was clamoring for her attention. That was fine. Anything else was just idle idiocy on her part.

"You don't have to--it's fine. I'm sorry I... intruded." She tried to smile reassuringly. Whatever her mouth did do wasn't a smile of any kind. Aurelie gave it up as a lost cause and shrugged her shoulders a little instead.

[Fionn]

Hamis 25, 2719 | Late Evening
Laundries, Brunnhold

.

Fionn didn’t know if it was possible for him to fix this. There shouldn’t be a need to fix anything but he’d been a complete idiot — a far too typical state for him — and allowed himself to walk about as if in a dream. His eyes had been open but there sense had been shut, his mind more or less dormant to protect himself from pain; the pain avoidance had gone really well, honestly stellar! The youth was feeling things again — the concern for Lars, the guilt over having distanced himself from his former roommate, the fear that he’d never see him again and would never be able to fix things after the way he’d left them — and he’d added more to the mix.

He hadn’t wanted to upset Aurelie and he clearly had given that from the moment he took up position beside her, she didn’t so much as glance his way. Even when he started talking, the redhead wouldn’t look at him and he couldn’t ignore the maelstrom of emotions that that produced in him. The youth was panicking a tad and it wasn’t working out well with his shame and embarrassment and guilt and everything else going on — and that was only in relation to her. In truth, the young man was now so overwrought that it was a wonder that he could function at all.

The last thing he wanted was for things between them to be left in an unpleasant state. If something happened to her — Alioe forbid and he prayed to the Circle that his fears for Lars were unfounded — then he didn’t want to carry the weight of that unpleasantness in his heart. He didn’t want this to be the last time that they spoke; these weren’t the sort of terms that he wanted to part on.

But he couldn’t find the right words. Damn him, he liked to think of himself as an adult, liked to tell Niamh that he was mature enough to handle himself and quite capable but it was at times like these that he felt far younger than the metaphorical years that Brunnhold had piled on him or even his actual age. Inexperience and cluelessness dogged the teenager now as he fumbled the situation, spitting out words — when he could — that weren’t a help and he clocking well knew that they weren’t.

It was why Aura was so quiet.

It was why he knew that he’d flushed up to his hairline and probably down his neck as well and it had nothing to do with the steam that assailed him.

He was ready to trip over his own tongue, which was far from ideal when he needed to be stealthy about this as well as eloquent. Maybe he should just tip himself into the washtub, scalding and laced with soap and other things that wouldn’t work out well if he breathed them. If he did tip himself in, he suspected that it might actually hurt less than the present situation.

Especially when her timid demeanour changed abruptly.

She didn’t look at him as she said it but there was still something venomous to it, a lash of the tongue that was as good as a slap even if it was cut off. It shouldn’t have bothered him as much as it did perhaps; it wasn’t as if it was the first time his promiscuity had been a topic of derision. But it did and perhaps it was because it wasn’t the first time that this had come up.

Most of the men he knew who engaged with their peers in a physical manner were just making the best of things, even those who had actual relationships, a regular partner. Most of them weren’t actually interested in men but it was easier to just sleep with the other male passives because they were on hand, they were usually easier to access, they weren’t as dangerous to fornicate and of course, they had similar needs and ways of fulfilling them.

Fionn couldn’t quickly forget the shame he’d felt when Ayden had laughed at him, lips curled in a sneer as he skeptically pronounced that the middle Madden actually enjoyed being with men. It hadn’t been the first time that he’d felt that awful churning within him, the way his stomach damn near spasmed as if he was about to throw up. He’d never forgotten Toibin Madden’s disgust and his rather vocal complaints about men who were allowed to carry on ‘like that’ with one another. It had made quite the impression on the lad pre-gating.

His head turned slightly away from her, the young woman’s image leaving his peripheral vision as her words hit him sorely. As such, he missed her glance when it did come, too concerned with biting the inside of his lip hard enough to draw blood as he prevented the escape of something pathetic and full of the hurt that he felt. Well, the only new bit would have been the hurt; everything that had crossed his lips thus far had been pathetic.

Her words made him sad too.

He turned his attention back to her in time to see her shrug when she next spoke, the passive having had a little time to ruminate on what he’d say next. Even though her tone had changed, even though that brief flash of fire seemed to have been quelled, he still stuck to what he’d been thinking of saying.

“I’d still say I’m a slut. By anyone’s standards,” he admitted softly, his voice flat and steady in spite of feeling tremulous inside. “Less so these days but…”

It was his turn to shrug now, brief and defeated before he plunged the washing dolly down half-heartedly, making a face as he put in the effort to twist the damn thing. This was hardly the perfect venue for a conversation — or activity — but he didn’t have many options. He might be able to catch her after they were let off, either on the way to the canteen or at the place itself but he had no guarantees. Uncomfortable and inappropriate as it was, at least he knew that he could actually talk to her here.

“It shouldn’t have happened. But I’m an idiot when I’m hurting. I’m more of an idiot when I hurt someone else though. I’m glad you- N-n-no, I’m not glad it was y-y-you. I’m glad I was st-stopped but… I wish you hadn’t- I know I’m-”

The tremor was returning now, his feelings adding a wobble to his tongue so that speech was becoming something of a chore but he soldiered on - or tried to do so. His voice was being stolen as well, so much so that he wasn’t even sure that she heard what he said next because surely it would have been lost in the sound of the churning water.

“I’m s-s-sorry that I’m disgusting.”

His shoulders tried to hunch forward as his head dropped further, a painful posture for his current task.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Aurelie almost missed the last thing Fionn said, quietly as he said it. Disgusting? No that wasn't--which one of them was being awful, here, precisely? What was she trying to accomplish, picking something she thought might wound and going straight for it? Good job, Aurelie. You succeeded! If she'd been worried he didn't want to talk to her before, the clear solution was to make absolutely certain he wouldn't want to.

Merciful clocking Lady! This wasn't the venue for this conversation. Aurelie didn't want to be here. She wanted to be alone with Fionn so she could talk to him, she wanted to go straight to bed so she never had to, she wanted to dissolve into the wash water. She was tired, and she was upset, and she wanted to undo what she'd done but it was hard when she felt so conspicuous. Of course she could tell she was upset now, when she'd already said something stupid because of it. No time to dwell on just what it was that she found so upsetting, of course. That could be analyzed later, alone. Her mind skittered away from facing up to that much at once. For now, she had plenty enough to dwell on, like how she'd been clocking horrible to someone she claimed to like.

"Godsdamnit, that's not--" Aurelie made a soft frustrated noise, trying not to raise her voice or stop her work. That stretched-rubber-band feeling was stronger now, and all she wanted to was snap. That wouldn't be wise or fair, but Aurelie couldn't help feeling like she wanted to do it. Still, she didn't want to hurt--not herself, and especially and more importantly not Fionn. Again. Now that she was actually listening, properly listening, her stomach dropped. So he had already been upset, before. And then she had to go and open her mouth and--what was wrong with her?

Aurelie turned to look at him as much as she dared, which was admittedly not much, after first checking to see that everyone else was still occupied. What could she say? Nothing seemed right, or it was too much for awkwardly standing here overheating in front of a laundry tub. Everything about Fionn's posture hurt her to look at.

"I shouldn't have--I didn't mean--I was just u-upset--no, surprised and--oh, chimes. This is so... I'm s-so--" Apologies were hard, delivered in half a mutter while trying not to make it obvious they were even talking at all. "...I was just being cruel. I-I can be. Er. Sometimes. I'm--ha, ask your sister, I was--" She bit her lip to stop herself from speaking.

This wasn't helping. She was just making everything worse, the same way she always made everything worse. She was too clock-stoppingly stupid to fix this. How did other people do things like this? Circle keep her, no wonder she didn't have any friends. The young woman started worrying furiously at a corner of her mouth. It had gone so sour so quickly.

Seized by a temporary madness (or perhaps a fleeting courage), Aurelie reached out the hand closest to Fionn and rested it lightly against his arm. She would remove it at the first sign that she should, of course, but words were failing her. Touch wasn't her strong suit either (nothing was), and it was a stupid thing to do when anyone who cared to look could see her do so, but she was desperate to try anything. However foolish or ineffectual.

"I'm sorry, you're not--I'm just... I'm sorry, Fionn. Really. Please don't apologize to me." Would he believe her? She wondered if she believed herself. Oh, please, Alioe, let her not have totally ruined this. Whatever "this" was.

[Fionn]

Hamis 25, 2719 | Late Evening
Laundries, Brunnhold

.

She didn’t deny it, not exactly. Oh she spluttered something of a frustrated protest but there was no telling which of his words had prompted it. She didn’t say it explicitly that it hadn’t disgusted her and so the doubt was left in his mind, the seed of hurt burrowing its way into his core where it would take root and grow and bear fruit at some point. She didn’t say that he wasn’t disgusting, that she didn’t think him so and thus, he worried that she thought it. What she did manage to splutter seemed to dance around it, vague because she couldn’t say anything specific without it being obvious that her apology was an empty one; she couldn’t lie for shit. There was a tightness in his chest but outwardly, the new waves of hurt probably weren’t apparent. Fionn tried to shove it down, listen to what she was saying and respond accordingly but it was hard; it didn’t go away simply because he wanted it to do so.

“I haven’t spoken to Niamh in over a week,” he stated flatly. It was off-hand, unthinking and probably irrelevant but it was true. If she’d been cruel to his sister when they’d met then he didn’t know about it and wasn’t likely to find out soon either.

She’d been cruel on purpose. Was that what asking him what he’d term himself was about? He supposed that it could have been but cruel didn’t mean untrue. It had hurt more because of how spot on it was and Aurelie must have known that. Obviously she’d thought of it, at least enough to consider throwing it in his face, twisting his own words to use against him.

Brown eyes raised a tad, just enough to consider those around them to ensure that no one was watching, especially the Matron. No one seemed to be looking and he found that difficult to believe. It seemed impossible that the others could have failed to notice, especially as even if their voices weren’t loud enough to eavesdrop on, the fact that they were conversing must have been audible. One glance for identify the source of the sound made sense but surely, they should have gotten a second glance at this point as their talk persisted and then you’d know that the pair were properly conversing. Someone should have noticed and brought the Matron down on them. Unless they didn’t actually care. Maybe they were all right with flouting the rules this time, maybe some of them thought that someone should be allowed to cross the segregation line.

It didn’t seem possible that they were truly invisible, especially not when she set her hand on his arm.

Anxiety about getting in trouble aside, the feel of her fingers on her arm were a welcome relief. His posture relaxed, the risk she’d taken in touching him here and now doing something to prove that this wasn’t irreparable after all. Such a simple thing and yet he couldn’t deny the comfort it gave him having her skin against his—again—and her hand held some familiarity for him, small and calloused. If they’d been alone, he would have caught it and brought it to his lips to press a kiss to its back. Unfortunately, they weren’t alone, which meant that the forms of non-verbal communication that he would have preferred to use instead of his unreliable tongue. As it was, the middle Madden took a risk of his own. Plunging the dolly into the water anew, he removed one hand — not the one attached to the arm that she was presently touching — from its handle and rested it briefly over her hand, clasping her fingers before returning it to where it was meant to be.

A small secretive smile flickered across his lips, teeth catching the lower one in an attempt to hide it from any witnesses, as if the pearly whites would somehow obliterate signs of it having curved up. Still it has been there for Aura, even if it had been directed more at the tub that he was working in. Fionn wasn’t sure that she’d seen it but he hoped that she had; it had been genuine. The teenager was grateful for that simple touch, knowing that it was a rebellious act and a dangerous one. His own had been necessary but carried less weight than hers, even in his own eyes. Aurelie had such a fear of trouble and drawing attention to herself but she had risked it for his sake. That communicated a lot more than her fumbled words had.

If you thought someone was disgusting then did you go out of your way to show that you cared? No, he didn’t think so. It eased the burden of guilt somewhat.

“Thanks, Aura,” he murmured, his gaze darting her way before checking around them covertly. No one had raised an alarm and the Matron seemed unaware of anything-

No, the woman was on the move. He redoubled his efforts to look busy and hardworking, grunting with effort and a little pain and he churned the water with greater vigour than before. She passed them by though, green eyes taking over them in an undeniably weary fashion, lips puckered in a sullen pout. The older woman headed for the storeroom and he was grateful that there was nothing sordid for her to find anymore. Thank Alioe for Aurelie’s interruption! He still wished that it hadn’t been her.

Once the woman was out of sight in the other room, the youth risked speaking again.

“I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant t-t-to see me- You‘ve probably seen some things but even so…” he didn’t finish the sentence because he felt that the ending was obvious: she hadn’t seen him like that before. The girl evidently felt something for him and so to find him with someone else might have hurt a bit. The teenager wasn’t the sort to get jealous but then again, he hadn’t had that many people he cared about enough to be bothered by such things. He’d seen jealousy though and he could understand it to a degree — intellectually. Maybe she’d have been jealous of Lars and vice versa. That was another reason why he’d been avoiding the Hessean of late.

Lars. He felt his heart squeeze painfully.

“You shouldn’t have had to see that. I didn’t… I didn’t think t-t-to say n-n-no,” he admitted awkwardly. “I would have felt bad about it even if you hadn’t- It’s not the first time I-I’ve- Even if it makes me feel disgusting, I still-” Fionn broke off with a sigh.

He bit his lip, looking at the storeroom again and then said something that probably seemed very unexpected to her.

“Do you know Lars?”

[Aurelie Steerpike]

For a terrible moment, Aurelie wasn't sure she had done the right thing. Perhaps it had been too little, too late, or maybe nothing she could have done would have mattered before. She knew she'd caused genuine harm, and she was truly sorry for it. Much more so than when she'd snapped at Niamh.

Fionn's posture relaxed, and hers with it. Even just that would have been enough, more than she would have expected or deserved. To have him reach out and clasp her fingers even for a moment--she had to bite her lip to keep herself from relieved laughter. She'd done the right thing, then, for once. Aurelie had only rarely been so happy to see someone smile, especially at a washtub. A more pleasant sort of fluttering spread out through her heart, small and real. That was... that was good. He could never want to see her again, and at least she had done that much.

She almost asked what he meant, when he said he hadn't spoken to his sister--she wasn't sure, but something about the flatness of his tone... It seemed like maybe there was something unusual there. Before she got a chance to, however, the Matron started walking in their general direction. She hastily pulled her hand away from his arm, looking as industrious as possible. That he did the same brought the ghost of a smile to her face. It was almost funny, how quick they both fell to it. Both of them watched her head to the storeroom. Aurelie let out a small breath she'd been holding, though she kept working all the same. She couldn't let herself relax too much. That small act of rebellion had used up all the courage she had, she thought. For now.

When Fionn started speaking again, she was slightly surprised. Somehow the idea of continuing to speak when it had started off so badly hadn't occurred to her. She made some noise in response. Agreeing? Acknowledging that she heard him? She wasn't sure which it was. Yes, it was true, it wasn't pleasant. Obviously. At least she'd made it far worse than it probably needed to be, letting her own stupid feelings get the best of her. Letting it worm out of her mouth and--no. No point in rehashing that. Save that for later, when she could pull out the whole interaction and replay it for herself, over and over and over to find out where she'd gone the most wrong.

"Fionn, you--hmm." Conveniently, they were supposed to be working and not talking--she let that cover up for her inability to think of anything suitable to say in response to his sigh. Truthfully, she couldn't quite understand. Aurelie was ignorant of many things. This seemed to be one of them, and she was grateful for the excuse not to think of something to say about it. She kept the corner of her eyes trained on his face.

"Lars?" The question struck her as somewhat out of the blue. The name was familiar, but she couldn't say it was attached to a face or a person, persay. She thought maybe she'd heard someone else mention it. In what context? It had to have been Fionn himself, or Niamh, or... No, she didn't know him. Sometimes she marveled at their collective ability to still not know each other, despite the world inside Brunnhold being so very small. After her moment of consideration, she shook her head. "N-no, I... I'm sorry, I don't think I... I don't think I do. Er, why do you, ah--why do you ask?"

[Fionn]

Hamis 25, 2719 | Late Evening
Laundries, Brunnhold

.

Was she a little more distant again? Yes, he thought so. Perhaps he wasn’t meant to bring up the topic of what she’d seen, maybe she’d prefer to feel as if it hadn’t happened at all. Fionn would have liked to say that he’d be happy to go along with that but he wasn’t sure that he was. After all, it had happened and it had obviously made her uncomfortable but it had made her think something about him and he wanted to know what it was; it felt strange not to discuss it so that he had a chance to dismiss any misconceptions that she might have. The only problem was that the youth had no idea how to tackle the subject and the fact that they were among others and he had to keep a low profile didn’t make matters any easier.

How in Alioe’s Name was he meant to convince her that he was still interested in her without making that interest seem cheap? That was the problem with his reputation. While it was undeniably true — that, in his own words, he was a slut — it didn’t mean that he planned to take what pleasure he could from her and then drop her. He hadn’t done it with Lars. Both of them were a small minority, actual meaningful connections that he’d managed to make in this godsawful place so there was nothing cheap about the relationship he had — or hoped to have — with them; they were precious rarities.

But damn it, how could he prove that when he’d just casually announced that he hadn’t even bothered to find out the name of the guy giving him head in the storeroom? He’d have a hard time proving that he saw her any differently and Circle preserve him, he’d just said that he did things even if they disgusted him! Sweet Lady, he had to pray that she didn’t think that she was included in that number! The time they’d had together in Keyes’ office had been truly lovely and something that he very much wanted to repeat.

Lars was the example he needed and yet… telling her that he loved the man might not be taken the way that he’d like. He didn’t love her but he thought he could? Gods, as if she’d believe that! It was true though. If you could love more than one person in a familial way, love more than one person in the way of friendship then what stopped you from loving more than one person romantically? Had Fionn been thinking about it? Yes, absolutely. Was this the time to share? Fuck no.

Instead, the youth tried to navigate the treacherous waters that had opened up before him, all while his heart began to sink.

She didn’t know Lars so she would have no idea if she’d seen him or not. He knew that his whole face dropped, he could feel it, and he didn’t have the will to pick it back up, to plaster on some sort of neutral expression in its stead. Worse, he could actually feel his lip wobbling and if he had begun to cry, well he couldn’t clocking tell with the steam; he could be sobbing — the tears, if not the gasping for breath and whatnot — and he probably wouldn’t be any the wiser.

How was he supposed to explain what the Hessean was to him though? The man I’m in love with? He didn’t think that he could admit that out loud, not yet. Besides, it didn’t seem right to tell Aurelie that he loved the man when he hadn’t told Lars that.

And maybe it’s too late to tell him, he thought gloomily.

But damn, he didn’t want to believe that, he couldn’t face the idea that his former roommate might be-

“He was m-m-my roommate and now he’s my fr- he’s my lo- he’s important,” the blond managed awkwardly.

“He’s important t-t-to me.”

The teenager lapsed into silence, turning his face away as he tried to compose himself. He bit the inside of his lip, plunging up and down, twisting it hard as he tried to pour of his feelings into the implement. He was still working quite diligently in that matter when the Matron emerged and came to their tub, peering down into the churning waters and throwing her eye over the boy who seemed so hard at work and who evidently wasn’t faking it.

“I could do with you around more often,” she commented, Fionn shocked when he glanced up and realised that she was looking directly at him. “Good stamina,” the overseer added, a twitch of a smile on her lips before she breezed away to dismiss some of the others and divvy up the remainder of the work. Something about the way she said it and the look in her eye as she did it brought him close to fumbling the washing implement. He settled for pausing at his work — it wasn’t as if he could keep up such a pace indefinitely after all — and trying to steady himself for a new reason as he eyed the woman’s back somewhat incredulously. She must have been at least twice his age! Not bad looking but that wasn’t the point, it really wasn’t, he was just- Was there something in the air today or just something about him specifically that had others sniffing around him?

You’re probably just imagining it, he tried to assure himself, glancing a little nervously in Aurelie’s direction to see if she’d thought that the Matron was- to see if they’d come to a similar conclusion. What had he been saying before? About Lars? Oh yes, right!

He opened his mouth and the Matron reappeared.

“You’ve done enough as well. You can go wash up and eat. There should be someone to watch you at the baths,” she told Aurelie and shooed some of the others at the tub on to other tasks. “And you can pull those sheets and things out,” she added to Fionn, a twitch of a smile again. Her attention was then off them for a moment and with Aura dismissed, he didn’t have much opportunity for conversation. Still he could manage a few words.

“Wash up and wait for me? In the canteen? Please, Aura?” he whispered, daring to move close enough to speak into her ear before he pulled back. She might not have a chance to accept or refuse before she had to shuffle out but he hoped she’d wait because he would look for her. He just hoped that he wouldn’t be here much longer. Wheedling to that Matron might be possible but the idea… didn’t appeal. Not at all. Still if he wanted to talk to Aura…

Besides, if he described Lars to her then maybe she’d remember having seen him after all. Aurelie seemed pretty observant.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Fionn's face fell and immediately Aurelie started to fret. She really needed to get control of herself, but--well. Should she have known who that was? Was that important? Aurelie rummaged through her memory again, but came up with nothing any better than she had before. Until Fionn elaborated-- that sent her mind skipping back and... Ah, yes. It had been the conversation with Niamh. This put her no closer to having a face to go with the name, but now Aurelie could at least recall why the name itself was somewhat familiar. She hadn't made much note of it at the time, but she could connect the dots now. A few too many dots. This was really a poor time for her to think about it. Fortunately for her, Fionn looked away to compose himself before she could fully process everything, which gave her time to do the same.

"I'm sorry I don't... er, is something, ah..." Before she could finish her question, Matron came to--actually, what was it she was coming over to do? Aurelie wasn't sure she liked the tone the older woman employed. While she was fairly grateful nobody had come over to say anything to either of them in particular, if that was the reason... Aurelie had yet to properly steady herself in her feelings, and couldn't stop herself from making a rude face at the woman's back. Good stamina, indeed! Although--no, she really didn't need to think about that. She really, really didn't need to think about that, at all. Neither did Matron, for that matter! Was that... Would Matron... Would Fionn... Aurelie scrubbed at the sheet in her hand, hard, almost skinning her own knuckles.

Unhappily, when Matron returned she could do nothing but nod at her dismissal. Aurelie didn't want to drag the night out, she really didn't, it was just... Well. What if it was another month, or even longer, before she got another chance to even say hello? For all that Fionn had talked about finding ways to meet again when they were in the privacy of Keyes' office, that hadn't actually... happened, had it? After all, she wouldn't have even seen him now if not for coincidence. Aurelie's heart sunk in her breast. He'd assured her of his interest, but she couldn't help but wonder just where the interest was. This was well-worn territory, her mind knowing exactly which channels to take to make her mouth pull down into a frown. Nevermind wanting to talk to her, at this very moment Aurelie couldn't even summon up the confidence to think she was interesting on a purely physical level. Aurelie had certainly had this thought before-- there just had to be better options than a mean, mousy twit. There were, actually, and she knew that without a doubt now.

And wasn't she a fool--because he asked her to wait, and what did she do? She nodded and her traitor heart was happy about it. Of course she would wait. Because she was stupid, and she liked him, and even though she was tired and shouldn't wait around for anyone, at all, she was afraid that if she didn't that would be the end of things. Aurelie would bathe, and she would eat, and she would wait, as long as she was able. Lady keep her, but she would be happy to do it, too.