[Closed] All the Griefs I am to Have (solo)

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Hamis 29, 2719 - (Very) Early Morning | Aurelie’s Room

If Aurelie dreamt, she did not remember what of, only that it left her cold and sweating at once. She was grateful; of late, her dreams had been troubling and strange. Portents, perhaps, if one believed in such things. Aurelie did not, but the idea persisted. For a moment after waking she continued to lie in her bed, blinking slowly in the dark. Eyes adjusting, little by little.

Without warning, the door opened and light from the hall flooded the room. Aurelie winced, biting back a complaint. For a moment she felt blind, only able to make out the vague outline of Matron at the doorway. Then her vision cleared, and she felt no less confused for it--the woman had a strange expression on her face that Aurelie could not read. Her roommates did not stir, or if they did Aurelie couldn’t tell.

“Get up, girl--you have a visitor. Don’t keep them waiting!” Matron’s voice did not do anything to help her understanding of the expression, and her words were more puzzling still. A visitor? They didn’t have “visitors”. She was well certain it was neither of the Maddens, not at this hour or context. Something in Matron’s demeanor gave her additional pause. The woman seemed--angry, or raw perhaps. Or it was just her imagination. Aurelie couldn’t be sure.

The red-haired young woman nodded and made some noise of understanding. She did as she was bid and swung her feet to the floor, shuddering at the shock of cold even at this time of year. The door remained open and Matron fixed firmly in it. Not even willing to leave to give her privacy to get dressed, she supposed. The passive suppressed a sigh. After dressing in her blue uniform and splashing her face with tepid water, she straightened and turned expectantly to Matron. Wordlessly, the woman moved from the door and Aurelie followed.

They wandered down the hallways in silence for what felt like a millennia, though surely it couldn’t have been very long at all. The campus was large, but not as large as it felt and certainly not when taking servant corridors and back ways. Aurelie mostly watched Matron as they walked, her posture demure and her steps soft. The woman herself never even glanced in her direction.

Eventually, they arrived at the door of a small meeting room normally reserved for faculty meetings with visitors or suchlike activities. Aurelie glanced at Matron, puzzled. Who could possibly be visiting her here? Matron said nothing to Aurelie, fine-boned face closed and stony. She rapped boney knuckles against the door in a pattern that struck Aurelie as oddly deferential. The guest was important then--galdori? Aurelie frowned, puzzled.

“Miss--I brought her, as you asked.” There was silence from the other side of the door and Matron frowned, knowing she wouldn’t be seen. “...I’ll send her in then, shall I?” To Aurelie, she merely arched a brow as if to ask why she was not already inside the room.

Aurelie moved to open the door with one glance back to Matron, who was already turning to leave. Her duty done, Aurelie supposed. She still did not know what to make of the raw set of the older woman’s shoulders. It nagged at her, not knowing. Had she done something wrong?

She called out a hesitant greeting as she pushed open the door, unsure what to expect--and promptly forgot all thoughts of Matron, and of hesitance, and of anything but a name and a face she never thought to see again in all of her days.

“Lilliana!” Aurelie cried out, and then promptly burst into tears.

[caporushes]

29th of Hamis, 2719 - Early Morning
A Brunnhold Guest Room

This had taken too long. Lilliana Steerpike could be a patient woman, as the situation called for it. Patience wasn’t what accounted for the delay in her actions--she was avoiding them, and despised herself for being such a coward. Months! Nearly a full season had come and gone, and still she had not done what needed doing.

Oh, to be sure, there were arrangements to be made. Funerals to plan, houses to select and rent and have set up for her. Then there was the matter of speaking to the Brunnhold administration, explaining what she was here for and why. All of these things took time, and plenty of it. Still she knew the truth--Lilliana Steerpike was afraid to face her sister.

Aura! Her sweet sister, once the most precious thing to her. It had been so long, Ana simply didn’t know what she would do once the moment they reunited finally came. There was no doubt in her that things would go as she wished (after all, they always did). Yet still she was afraid. It was heavy news she had to deliver, much as she hoped to temper it with something much better. Ana’s heart had grown bitter, her relationship to their parents cool and skewed, but they were still the sisters’ parents. News of their passing was not easy to bring, not the least because it was so late in coming.

Ridiculous that the school had not seen fit to inform her--did they not keep track of such things? This was why one did not entrust important business to the hands of others, she supposed. Best that it be delivered by family, anyway. So Ana had made the arrangements, and had come at dawn in her favorite day dress of white and amethyst, embroidered all over with lilies in a matching thread so as to not call too much attention to themselves. Perhaps she would have something similar made for her sister. A different color, she thought, unless the girl’s coloring had changed as she grew. Green, perhaps. Or gold.

As she waited for the passive woman she was told was responsible for her sister’s care to return, Ana fussed. She was not a woman accustomed to hesitation or uncertainty. Hers was a swift and decisive nature--she wanted something, she pursued it, and eventually, she got it. This business of the Steerpike estate, of Aurelie… It brought out a timidity that she hadn’t felt before. She didn’t like it. Ana stood and paced around the little sitting room once. Sat. Paced again. Would they ever arrive? Perhaps the foolish woman had wandered off and never found her sister at all.

Just as Ana was on the edge of her patience, she heard a knock at the door, and a voice calling out to her. Lilliana wanted to call out, but her voice stopped in her throat. Rarely was she so speechless. Rarely, too, was she going to see someone dear to her that she hadn’t for ten years. Though she didn’t hear her sister’s voice, the woman assured her that she would be sent in. The tone indicated that the other passive had chosen to dismiss herself--cheeky, Ana thought sourly, but she would let it pass. She had far more important things on her mind.

What first struck Ana was that her sister’s voice had changed. Aurelie was a woman grown, to be sure, and yet somehow Ana had expected to find her unchanged. When she entered the room, Ana was overwhelmed by a feeling of strangeness. The young woman before her was so different from the child she had last seen, Ana felt eerily as if she was seeing a stranger.

Then she burst into tears.

This, this was the Aurelie that she remembered. Lilliana swept herself through the room in two swift strides, a rustle of purple silk and her field all bright like diamonds, like stars. Ana cried too, quieter than her sister. She folded her sister into her arms, taller now than she was but smaller than Lilliana still. So much was different--her height, the shape of her shoulders, even the color of her hair--but her warmth was the same, and her fingers gripped at Ana’s shoulders as they always had.

“There, shh. It’s alright.” Soothing tones, a gentle touch to the back of her sister’s hair. And what had they done to it? It was so short now, barely coming past the point of Aurelie’s chin. That was another thing they could address, later. When they were home. When they were whole, together again.

For a moment they just stood there, clinging together and weeping. When the flood slowed to a trickle, and then a soft sniffling, Ana gently pushed her sister back from her, drawing her to sit down on the slightly overstuffed sofa. Gold eyes swept over her sister’s face, and yes, she could see the child she had been in it now. Gone was most of the baby fat in her cheeks, and her features fit more comfortably on her face. Even Lilliana had to admit that Aurelie had not grown into as great a beauty as she might have expected from their shared lineage, but she was pretty nonetheless. Something sweet remained in her expression, though her eyes were rimmed red with crying and her hair mussed. A kind of innocence clung to her--well, Ana supposed that was only right. Poor girl. And yet, her sister still.

They must--Ana had to tell her. How could she even begin? At the beginning, she thought. Yes. And then they could move on to more important news. Better news. Ana was going to take her home.

“Aura, Birdie, I--I am afraid I simply must get this out of the way. I have bad news for you…” Ana bit her lip, a gesture that mirrored her sister’s. “Oh, Birdie, there’s no good way to tell you this--there was an accident, dearest. Your--our… our parents they… they have passed.”

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Hamis 29, 2719 Early Morning | A Brunnhold Guest Office

Aurelie sat still and silent, heavy. A stone. Yes, that’s what she was.

There was an accident.

They have passed.

Would she cry? Aurelie resisted the temptation to reach to touch her own face to check. She could feel her sister’s field wrapped around her, even as Ana’s hands reached out to clasp Aurelie’s own. Dimly, Aurelie was aware that her sister was still speaking, soft and soothing words meant to bolster her against grief. More sharp was her shame at all of the calluses on her hands, won by years of hard work, and nails chewed short by nerves too often frayed. Ana’s hands were soft and warm, her nails perfect ovals--just like they should be. Like she should have been. Aurelie drew her hands back.

”When… when did it happen?” Her voice sounded to her as if it came from very far away--the top of a mountain, the bottom of a well.

”...The end of Bethas, I’m afraid.” Did Ana sound apologetic? Yes, Aurelie thought she did. Bethas? ...Bethas? It had been, then, months. Months while her parents were cold and she had not mourned them, because she hadn’t known to mourn. Aurelie’s hand fluttered to her chest where the locket lay, warm against her breast. They were gone. And yet-- And yet, Ana was here.

Her eyes fluttered closed. She took a few deep, steadying breaths. This was too much, joy and sorrow all at once. Which was more, she thought? Aurelie’s eyes opened again, and she knew. She would not cry, not now. Her voice gave shape to words that were more form than sentiment, but they would do and Ana’s field was still wrapped around her, almost too bright for her. Familiar. Full of love. Ana took not her hand now, but linked their arms, her hand on Aurelie’s forearm.

”Oh but--but you couldn’t have come all the way here, just for--just to tell me… Weren’t you in Florne?” Ana laughed and Aurelie flushed, ashamed. Her sister’s laughter was sweet, kind, beautiful. All of her was beautiful and dazzling.

”I was,” she assured. They spoke of her travels. Aurelie was adrift. Overwhelmed. How, she wondered, could they have come from the same home? Aurelie could hear the slightest lilt of a Bastian accent, on the edges of some of Lilliana’s words. A stranger, she thought; the only family she had, now. Had she always been so--? Aurelie’s memories were too well-worn for clarity. For a moment, her attention drifted more to the sound of her sister’s voice than the meaning of the conversation. Oh, she had never thought to hear a voice this dear again for all of her life.

”...looking for a solicitor, of course, has been difficult. But I should think I will find one in the end. And then--oh, Birdie, we’ll have to buy you a new dress. No more blue. Perhaps we can take in some of mine, while yours are being made.”

A dress? Why--where would she wear…? Aurelie touched her uniform. This was the one she had been wearing when she met Fionn--the one she had never quite gotten clean. In the dim light of early morning, she hadn’t noticed. Shame stabbed at her heart again, trying to pierce her joy.

”A dress? For--I’m sorry, I must have been-- I think I may not have been paying attention, er, I was just… A dress?”

Lilliana laughed, rich and bright. Indulgent. The way one laughs at a small child or an amusing pet that had done something sweet. It still did her heart good to hear it, drew an answering grin from Aurelie.

”A dress,” Ana repeated. ”Several, I think. For when you’re home again. I shouldn’t think you’d be going to very many parties, Aura dearest, but still. One can’t be wearing the same thing for all occasions. It isn’t the way of Steerpike women.”

Home. That’s right, she had said--

She wanted to--

”Y-you can’t!” No, she couldn’t, it wasn’t--didn’t she understand? Why would she--

”Now, don’t fret! That’s what I was saying before, Birdie, about the lawyer. I’m confident I can find someone to take the case. It’s been done before, after all.”

”No, that’s not--I…” Aurelie was stricken. Couldn’t she see? Didn’t Ana feel it? Didn’t she know? There was no home for her, not anymore--she couldn’t--what if she hurt her sister? Ana frowned at her--she was annoyed, Aurelie could tell. Her stomach dropped. Her tongue felt bitter in her mouth.

How could she explain, if Ana didn’t already know? Aurelie with her clumsy words and her childish thoughts and her small world. How could she say it? I will hurt you. If I hurt you I couldn’t bear it. I would rather remain here for the rest of my life, if it kept you safe. Aurelie’s thoughts were oil, her skin brittle as glass. She wanted to go home-- she could never go home-- she wanted-- but there was no home for her there anymore.

Her eyes closed again, and she moved away from her sister. If Ana couldn’t see, wouldn’t see, Aurelie would--she would see for them both. It ripped her open; she had been hurt more than this. Were her eyes hot? Aurelie thought they might be. All her tears had been taken from her, undeserving as she was of them. This was fine. Hadn't she already done this before? She could do it again. Maybe this would be different. Maybe it would hurt less, as a choice.

”Ana I--I can’t go with you. I… I won’t. Please, you have to understand, I--”

[caporushes]

29th of Hamis, 2719 Early Morning
A Brunnhold Guest Room

A sigh, patient but weary. The look of a woman to her baby sister. As if she were being foolish. There was the sound of the clock on the wall calling out the hour, unbearably loud. Neither of them spoke. This isn’t her fault, Lilliana reminded herself. The Aurelie before her looked to be an adult, but she wasn’t--how could she be? So of course she’s upset by something she didn’t expect and probably doesn’t understand. Ana was still wounded, but long habit kept her from letting it seep through her field. Of course, Aura couldn’t read it even if it did, could she?

”Birdie--Aura. You musn’t be so ridiculous. Of course you’ll come home with me. You don’t have to be frightened--I’ll take care of all the necessary paperwork. I can even arrange your room for you just the way you left it. We can go home. Wouldn’t you like that?”

The look her sister gave her was pained, and it made Ana feel… something. It was hard to say, precisely, what this look on such a dear face made her feel. No field to read but it seemed that growing up sheltered from the world’s concerns had made her into a girl who wears her heart on her sleeve. Ana’s own expression was carefully contained. Cultivated. Sisterly warmth radiated from her every pore.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Lilliana Steerpike was not used to being vexed so, least of all by Aura. Have they ever fought before? She couldn’t recall. Oh, but this wasn’t a fight--Aurelie would see sense, soon enough. She’s just nervous, Ana decided. It would be a big change. Sense would prevail, in the end. It always does, she found.

Aurelie was shaking her head but she wasn’t crying. When she spoke again her voice was soft, but firm in a way Ana had never heard before. Ana couldn’t help but think of the child she’d left behind, clinging to Nurse’s skirts and weeping whenever Ana had to go back to school after a holiday. Stubborn--that’s what the look was. Well, Aurelie could be stubborn. She was also their mother’s daughter, after all. Ten years a servant girl in these red walls couldn’t take that away from her. A Steerpike legacy. The way she wept was entirely of their father’s family, but it was sweet.

”Ana, I… What is it that you want me to do, if I come... h-home... with you? I w-wouldn’t even… Please understand. I have m-missed you, truly, I-- but you have to-- please.”

Do? What did she mean, “do”? Ana was puzzled. Did her sister think--did she assume she would be a servant in their household? Ah, then that would explain her hesitation! Silly girl, of course she wouldn’t.

”Aura, you wouldn’t have to do anything. Just be with me. I’m sure you’ll find something to occupy yourself. It is a shame I can’t take you back to Florne… But no matter. We can go to other places, can’t we? I don’t intend to make you work, silly!” She did do her best to keep her tone bright and pleasant. The same way she would when Aurelie was crying before over some injustice or another.

”I can’t leave, why don’t you--what if I hurt you? I have to--I can’t--”

Now this was getting irritating. Steerpike women were strong-willed to be sure, but Aura hadn’t been nearly so stubborn before! Ana frowned and drew herself up to her full height. Her sister was shorter than her by nearly a head; she had to look down at her to catch her eyes.

”Aurelie Marguerite Steerpike--you’re being unreasonable. I know you’re afraid, but you’re acting a child. I won’t drag you from these halls kicking and screaming, if that’s what you’re expecting.” Ana’s tone was cold, tight and clipped. Her golden eyes looked down her perfect nose at her sister and her sister--had that been anger she saw flash on her face? Anger, at her?

Well then! Let her be angry, let her cry--she would weary herself of it eventually, and then they could speak of it again. Ana had waited ten years--she could wait a little longer. Aurelie opened her mouth to speak but Ana didn’t wait to hear it; she didn’t want this to go on for any longer than it already had.

”I’m sorry, Birdie--I shouldn’t have snapped at you. Come, let me we walk you back to your room--I’ve rented a home in Muffey, while I make the arrangements for the lawyers. I’m afraid I must travel back to Vienda frequently to continue with the rather unpleasant business of the estate, but…” Here she paused and smiled at Aura, gathering the girl up in her embrace once more. Aura was stiff for just a moment--and then she relaxed, putting her face against Ana’s shoulder. ”I will--I will return. And I shall make arrangements so that you can contact me if you should need me, hmm? There’s no hurry. It’s enough for me, for now, to see you well.”

Ana placed a kiss on her sister’s brow, as she had done so many times before. If Aurelie’s smile was a little frayed, well, that couldn’t be helped. They walked out of the room together arm in arm, and Ana made light conversation all the way down the hall. Yes, she could wait. Aura would see sense--one way or the other.