[Closed] A Little Blurry

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Why was it funny that Niamh was surprised by her having a sister? There was really no way for the other woman to have known, given that they were more or less strangers. Somehow the assumption that she had no siblings was funnier than anything else to her. All of them were without family by design, so it wasn't an unreasonable impression. Aurelie turned the idea over in her mind. For the first time she wondered if it wasn't an attitude cultivated to let galdori at large forget they were so similar. Easier to let things be as they were if such a shameful state had very little to do with you, after all. It was a bitter thought and she let it go, sinking back into darker waters in her heart where it could wait for another time.

When Niamh turned to face her, Aurelie was still looking at her lap, posture compact. It was only when Niamh said her name that she looked up from tracing the edge of some stain or another with her eyes. She hadn't really been expecting a response to her half-formed and ill-planned question. If she couldn't even decide what it was she wanted to know, how could Niamh possibly answer her? She was struck again by how odd it was, to have her be so... Normal wasn't quite the right word, but something very like it. Talking to Aurelie like a person, a real person. Not always an intelligent person, to be sure, and she had experienced it enough to know Niamh had a bad habit of condescension. Still, a person of some kind.

"Recently enough," Aurelie admitted. There was a discomfort in acknowledging that her sister had come to see her. Too close to what Ana had actually come to say, and Aurelie wasn't about to tell Niamh about any of that. No matter how kind she was being, they weren't friends and Aurelie was not often given to trust. The wound was too close, too personal. Too twisted up in things about herself she didn't know how to explain or if she even should.

When Niamh paused, Aurelie straightened her posture a little, curious. She frowned when Niamh reached out a hand, but gave it readily enough. She didn't immediately understand what Niamh was trying to show her, or why--until she started speaking again, and Aurelie realized with a kind of wonder that she was looking at the signs of her own nervous habit on Niamh's hands.

The sight was surreal. Niamh was much better at keeping her nails neat than Aurelie was, of course; while she'd long been trying to stop, she couldn't keep the biting under control and the last few days had been especially trying. The servant girl almost wanted to pull her hands away and bury them out of sight, a wave of shame washing over her at the state of them, but that wasn't what Niamh was trying to demonstrate. That the student was the nervous sort was no surprise, Aurelie had seen that well enough for herself--still. It was strange to feel that twist of recognition. She wasn't sure what to say in response to Niamh's confession, but she made a sympathetic hum of understanding.

"I have never known my sister to do anything she doesn't want to do," Aurelie said with a sort of fond exasperation in response to Niamh's assurances. One corner of her mouth crooked up in a smile. No, Lilliana Steerpike felt no obligation to anyone but herself, as far as Aurelie knew. The passive drew her hand back and folded them awkwardly out of sight while trying to downplay her own discomfort at the state of them.

Although--Ana hadn't come to see her, to say all of this, until... Aurelie's mind still skittered off lingering on the knowledge. She had to wonder at that. Why wait so long? Would Ana tell her, if she asked? Or would she lie, the way one lied to a child who had asked a question you thought they were better off not having the answer to. Given her attitude when they spoke, Aurelie thought she knew the answer.

"I suspect my... parents... Er, I don't think they'd be... pleased. If they knew. Which I guess is why she--" Aurelie cut herself off, shaking her head. That was far enough in that line of thought. She turned to fix her attention on Niamh's face instead, weighing what she saw there.

"No, Ana... my sister... She said... I don't know what she wants from me," Aurelie admitted softly. That was the closest she could come to it, at this moment. In the space of time after her admission, awkwardness drifted up in her. This wasn't--she didn't need to say this, not to Niamh, not to anyone. Maybe someday. But not today, when she felt scraped raw inside and out.

"...I do hope he's alright in there," Aurelie said suddenly, casting a glance to the washroom door. The subject change was managed with her usual grace. It was just--if she talked about this anymore it would suffocate her. She might start to cry again, an eventuality she would rather avoid. Crying in front of Fionn had been hard enough. That had proved somewhat steadying in the end; she didn't think having Niamh see her break down would have quite the same effect.

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

This was an odd situation indeed and not one that Niamh could have imagined getting into when she brought Aurelie here. Reality seemed to have bent in odd ways that were difficult to believe, the galdor having an intimate moment with the passive that she was regrettably starting to think of as Fionn’s girlfriend. If he came out, she didn’t know what he’d think of the scene although as soon as that door opened, the student would be pulling her hand back rather sharpish and getting to her feet so he could resume his seat. The fact that she was ready to get as far away from the servant as possible before her brother could see they’d been close said a great deal about what she thought about passives. Thinking about she found herself feeling guilty. It was instinctual, a nervous glance thrown towards the washroom door as she realised what she’d do if he came out, what she’d do if anyone came into the room. As if being seen together was something scandalous. As if it would be shameful. She could tell herself that it was a matter of shyness but that wouldn’t be true, would it? Being seen with her brother was one thing, understandable really because he was family but what reason would she have to get close to another passive? She’d embraced Lars but he’d been crying so the reason for doing so had been obvious. Being this close to Aurelie looked too much like friendship.

Realising why she was ready to do a runner if someone else appeared filled her with unimaginable horror. Fionn was right, she was a hypocrite. Would it be better or worse if she forced herself to remain this way even when her brother came out? Was it better to be aware and do it anyway? Niamh didn’t know, she really didn’t but now that she thought about it, she thought she was meant to override her instincts. There was nothing wrong with sitting here with Aurelie like this. She didn’t often sit with others in this way, it was true but there was no reason why the servant’s race should make any difference to her. She would do this with anyone — galdor, passive, wick, human, whatever! — if the circumstances were right.

Still, it made her interrogate herself about her opinions of passives and how she really saw them. Presumably she had things in common with Aurelie’s sister — they’d both resumed contact with their passive siblings — and that might include some prejudices, even though Niamh should know better. Even though most galdori should know better.

When she confirmed that the reconnection had been recent, the student hummed, nodding her head slightly. She’d suspected as much but it did allow her to imagine herself more in the other Steerpike’s shoes. Although they probably didn’t have that much in common, not if she was as strong-willed as the other seemed to suggest.

“No, I imagine that your parents… would have issue,” she agreed softly. She didn’t want to assume anything of the girl’s parents, especially as she imagined that the relationship between a passive and their parents before gating could have varied wildly. She knew how much her relationship with her parents had changed over the years, although she had to wonder how extreme some of the changes would have been if she’d never had a gated brother. Fionn’s gating had almost certainly pushed her parents further apart but that seemed to have more to do with her mother’s infidelity than anything else. Even so, she sometimes thought that her mother still mourned for Fionn, despite spending the last year or so of his pre-gated life distancing herself from him.

How could she possibly guess how Aurelie’s parents regarded her or the situation that her parents had willing placed her in?

“I think it’s difficult for parents, gating their child. I know not all of them do it but those who don’t… well, they face repercussions, don’t they? I think they probably decide that it’s for the best — for everybody. Easier to think that I suppose,” Niamh pointed out, not meeting the servant’s eye as she said it. She had a fear of what she’d say if she met her eye, afraid that she’d blurt out something horribly insensitive because surely the other would be gazing at her with some sort of emotion — hurt, anger, something.

However, she did look up when she admitted that she didn’t know what her sister wanted from her.

“She might not want anything or… she might want something and not know it. She might just- She might want to make things up to you. For not being there when you needed her, to stop them from-” Niamh broke off abruptly, aware that she was admitting her own motivations.

She cleared her throat awkwardly.

“If you gave me a name… I could look into her. If you like,” she suggested before clearing her throat again and glancing at the clock with a frown. Her gaze swung to the washroom door though at Aura’s words.

“I’m sure he’s all right. No doubt he’s hiding,” she explained quietly before raising her voice. “Fionn! Are you doing all right?”

There was a few seconds of silence aside from what might have been a muffled swear followed by the sound of movement and the lock clicked open, her brother emerging.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Difficult? Yes, Aurelie thought it had seemed so for them, even at the time. Although even know, she wasn't sure it hadn't been something of a relief as well. Perhaps it answered the question of why their children were so different. At least it relieved them the burden of having to think of what to do with her, in a way. The thought was unkind, but she hadn't the strength to stop herself from thinking it. Niamh didn't know about her parents, because Aurelie had deliberately not told her. Somehow, she'd managed to touch one of the nerves the passive girl had been trying to protect.

"Yes, I... I'm sure it..." Aurelie tried to speak, but her voice caught in her throat. The words had been meant kindly, she thought. At least, Aurelie assumed--she didn't think Niamh was trying to be cruel. She didn't know. She couldn't know, almost nobody knew. A vision of her father, weeping in a chair next to her stonily disappointed mother rose in the front of her mind. The sound of soft whispering in another room while she sat and waited for the inevitable. Had it been a difficult decision for them? Had it been hard for them both, to kiss her goodbye and give her over to this--this life? Aurelie knew, intellectually, that they were trying to be kind. She even agreed. Wasn't that part of what made it so hard, what Ana had offered?

At the gentle suggestion that Ana might have sought her out because her sister wanted to make something up to her, Aurelie crumpled just a little. It wasn't Ana's fault that she was like this. Aurelie had never for a moment blamed them, any of them, for the way she was or how things were. The flaw was in her, after all--what could Ana possibly have done about it? There was a current in Niamh's voice she didn't understand, though she had her suspicions about where this was coming from. Niamh's face got a little blurred, the edges wobbling. No--no, it wasn't her face that was blurry. Aurelie was, of course, about to cry. Again.

Oh, this was terrible. How could she--hadn't she cried enough already? Yet another reason you can't make any friends--you're too emotional. Aurelie refused, utterly refused, to cry again. It would be unseemly, and unfair, and Niamh might think she had said something cruel when quite the opposite was true. Aurelie didn't know if they could be friends, given the circumstances, but if she cried now she would be quite certain they couldn't.

"N-no... There's no need, actually, er, she's in... in Muffey a-and... I've b-been... Thank you, though." Aurelie bit her lip almost hard enough to draw blood, trying to keep from bursting into tears, again. One or two slid down her face anyway, and she hastily brushed them away. Fionn needed to stop hiding--and that, she knew, was absolutely what he was doing--and come rescue her from the absolute terror of his sister being nice to her.

When the door opened, Aurelie moved as if to leap to her feet. Her head swiveled to watch Fionn emerge from the washroom, belatedly aware of what it looked like: her sitting next to Niamh, no doubt obviously on the edge of tears. Again. Intervention was needed, and desperately. Any kind of intervention. Aurelie almost would have preferred Niamh to have caught her with her tongue in Fionn's mouth than be talking about her family right now. Almost.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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Fionn hasn’t been able to face his sister, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. He’d had to dive for the safety of the washroom because she might somehow be able to tell what he’d done by looking at him. It had been an accident though! Or innocent rather because he hadn’t done it with any intent. Innocent though it had been, he felt certain that the lust shone out through his eyes and even if Niamh thought him a slut — she did, he knew that without her having to say it aloud — the young man had no desire to have her see it in action. It wasn’t fair to Aurelie for him to have run but he’d bolted on instinct — a coward’s act — and while he regretted it almost instantly, the teenager couldn’t deny that he was glad to have a door between him and both young women. He couldn’t face Aurelie right now either so guilt he might feel but it wouldn’t drive him out too quickly, not when he had a chance to hide in here. It wasn’t as if he’d entered for no reason, he did actually have to wash his face, not that that would take a long time.

The young man grimaced at the sight of his reflection in the small mirror, running hot water so he could scrub it, praying that it would be enough to wash the salt out of his skin before it became permanently blotchy. His splashing left him bleary-eyed, having thrown water into his stinging eyes as well and he towelled them dry before switching to cold water. He’d found that cold water seemed to tighten the skin — the shock of it, he supposed — and he hoped that it would make him look brighter and not at all like someone who’d sobbed his heart out. The passive dried his face off and took the time to examine his features acutely, stretching the skin beneath his eyes and poking at his cheeks with a frown.

He’d do. Well, he thought that he’d do. He wasn’t entirely okay but the irritated sclera in his eyes could pass for tiredness and they’d stop looking so vividly red in awhile. The pink blotches would fade soon enough as well, but he certainly looked better than he had when he entered. With that task done, he leaned back against the washbasin and considered what he was going to say.

If Niamh lingered then he wouldn’t have a chance to apologise properly to Aurelie, even if he did manage to keep something like a level-head about him. He didn’t think that his sister would linger though. He didn’t know what time it was now but he knew that she only had an hour of independent study after lunch and while she’d skipped through the meal with serious haste so that she finished before midday, he didn’t think it could be that long until the 16th hour. He knew her schedule for seconds — in part anyway — because she had frequently mentioned her house long class on Living Conversation as a class to dread and eagerly anticipate at the same time because while often interesting, it was usually exhausting. So she’d leave because she had to do so and he’d have some time alone with the girl, hopefully long enough to rectify the situation of his foolishness.

How the hell did you explain patting a girl’s chest by accident though? Especially as it hadn’t been accidental, not exactly. Was he supposed to say that he hadn’t meant anything by it and had just sort of… forgot that she had breasts? Oh Fionn was sure that that would go down great. He couldn’t compound his earlier insult with another one by making the girl feel as if she was lacking in that department as his brother had done to Niamh. Neither of them lacked breasts, no matter what they might think. Not that he wanted to think about his sister having… parts. It probably wasn’t wise to think about the servant’s bits either or else he’d be far too distracted.

Trying to be respectful and mature was really clocking difficult — he knew that!

When his sister’s voice called through the door, he startled and let his hold on the basin slip, elbow slamming down on its edge. A strangled curse left him as the bone in his arm juddered and he gripped his elbow with his other hand to ease the vibration, biting his lip as he walked a little circle in the room, resisting the urge to hop up and down in a mix of impotent rage and pain. He shook the limb out, dragged a hand through his hair, opened the door and stepped out.

And Aurelie gave a little start as if about to propel herself to her feet. If she hadn’t then he would have looked to the clock first but his eyes found her face instead, startled by her response and caught the shine in her eyes and the fresh glistening tracks on her cheeks.

Clock the fucking Circle! He’d vanished for a few minutes and Niamh had upset her! Good Lady! What had she done?

His gaze flicked to the clock, even as he crossed to the diminutive redhead, noting the time with some satisfaction before he all but sidestepped the other passive. His arm moved all the same to loop around her, to draw her to one side of his body like a bird tucking something under its wing and glared at his sister. She looked quite startled but she had the good grace to wince at the accusation in his gaze. She got to her feet as well, mouth opening to speak. He shook his head subtly.

“You have Living now, don’t you? You need to go,” he told her, his voice soft, polite but edged. He wasn’t shouting or showing obvious signs of anger in his voice but even if Aurelie didn’t look at his face, she’d no doubt hear the authority there, because he was telling her what she was doing rather than simply giving her a reminder.

“I still need to talk to Aurelie about the work here but you don’t need to be here. But thank you.”

His words offered thanks but his face was thunderstruck.

His sister was trying to find her voice and struggling. Ready to protest probably.

“I thank you for bringing Aurelie here but you don’t need to remain to supervise. You aren’t that much older than I am, Niamh, and if you can be alone with Harper, I can be alone with her,” he told her flatly, brown eyes boring into her.

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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Niamh was a bit slow on the uptake. She’d looked at the clock, well aware that the 16th hour was fast approaching and repeated the name of the place where Lilliana was living — Muffey — with a hum of interest before calling for her brother. It was then that she shifted in her seat and noticed the tears. Not many of them admittedly but some, which was pretty bewildering. She hadn’t said anything upsetting, had she? Although they had been talking about family, which was an upsetting topic for most passives so of course — of course she was crying.

Stupid, insensitive girl!

She was apologetic, of course she was but she couldn’t make this better, there was no way to-

“I’m s-sorry if I upset you.”

Of course she’d upset her! All she had to do was use her eyes and she could see that she’d upset her!

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been so… so…”

She didn’t have the word for what she’d been but it didn’t make much difference anyway because her brother stepped out and the posture of the passive beside her changed to one of flight. She didn’t actually get to her feet but it looked like a near thing and Fionn’s eyes were immediately drawn to the movement. Niamh watched with mounting dread as his gaze moved to some point behind her, even as he moved and then absurdly, was trying to press Aurelie to his side. He was taller than her anyway but given that she was sitting, it had something comical to it. Except that it wasn’t funny at all. It was protective and his face was thunderous.

The student flinched and her field vibrated with feelings — guilt, fear, contrition. She cringed away a bit but managed to reluctantly climb to her feet, wondering if he might strike her. His expression reminded her of when they’d had that fight in the East Gardens. He’d had the same face that day, right before she’d flinched away from the expectation of a strike.

She stood and opened her mouth to say… something, anything but he shook his head and she shut it again, ducking her head. She was the elder sibling but right now, she felt younger before him. Younger, much smaller, weaker and vulnerable. Her field was shivering around her so she probably couldn’t cast even if she wanted to — she didn’t — and if he used his hands, she’d be helpless to fight him off. If she punched him, Fionn probably wouldn’t even notice, maybe a mild irritant like a fly.

Her eyelashes fluttered, the young woman was surprised that he knew what class she had, that he remembered but he was entirely correct. She did have a class that she needed to get to but rather than simply informing her of the fact he was actually ordering her to do so. The galdor couldn’t even muster indignation, not while he glared at her, not when he was right.

Aurelie was on the verge of bawling her eyes out and it was Niamh’s fault. She wasn’t any use here, maybe more of a hindrance than a help at best and a source of upset and aggravation at worst. She was nodding and looking down, already turning away, stepping away when he made his final comment.

A gasp escaped her, hazel eyes growing wide as they flew up to meet his gaze. Shocked, hurt, she wanted to splutter something about how it wasn’t the same, about how there was nothing against it but she couldn’t. It had been a low blow, a blow intended to hurt and it had worked. Her lip wobbled, tears growing watery and the hurt in her field became clear as she allowed it to flex, a final display of power. In truth, it was just for show and a rather impotent display at that.

“Fuck you!” she whispered, barely mustering the necessary feeling to put into the curse. It was hard because she was ready to cry. It was hard because she didn’t normally use such vulgarity. Right now, it was the most appropriate thing she could think to say. There might have been shame there in Fionn’s gaze, a subtle pinching in his features and his focus might have wavered, gaze drifting ever so slightly to one side but she couldn’t be sure. Niamh wasn’t certain that she cared. She’d gotten the message and she was hurting too much to dissect it. In fact, it was taking everything in her not to start bawling.

She turned and fled, almost falling over her own bag in the process. She fumbled for it, raised it a foot and then dropped it again before she got it up, strap swung over her shoulder, running. Her shoes clattered under her, something like an awkward, uncoordinated dance occurring once she was over the threshold as she tried to slam the door and bounced it off her knee instead. By some miracle, she caught the handle, even while she hopped on one foot, tears beginning to stream as the pain of the self-inflicted whack shoved her over the edge. The door slammed behind her as she tugged it towards her, hanging onto the handle with both hands as if it was a lifeline.

She wiped her sleeve across her face, releasing a snivelling sob and then ran full tilt down the hallway.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

When Fionn crossed the room, Aurelie was no less startled than Niamh, especially when he moved to draw her to his side. The motion was protective, like a mother bird. She was torn between laughter at how absurd (and absurdly sweet) it was and further tears at the same. Kindness from so many sources wasn't something she knew what to do with, and she was so very fragile. Still, she didn't pull away. Even if it was unnecessary for him to be so concerned.

Really her silent plea for him to come rescue her from Niamh's terrible kindness might have been a little too successful. The other girl hadn't actually done anything to hurt her--not deliberately, at any rate. Yes, Aurelie had started to cry, but there was no way Niamh could have known she would strike so close to a nerve just by being kind to her. She was too startled by the authority in his tone to say anything that might have saved Niamh from the exchange. Aurelie thought of the older Madden's hands, so much like her own, and felt a little of her hurt in the flex of her field. There were plenty of opportunities for her to call out to Niamh, to set things straight, but she couldn't seem to form the words. Instead she just watched helplessly as Niamh fumbled with her bag and left. Only after the door closed did she find her voice at last.

"Oh--! You didn't have to... Er, this isn't her fault," Aurelie admitted sheepishly, gesturing at her face. She sniffed a little, frowned. "Your sister was... she was trying to be kind, I think. I'm, er. Well. Hmm." Aurelie didn't think she needed to say much more. It was obvious what she was like by now, she thought. The young woman shuffled away from his side a little distance to look at him properly, while at the same time making a gesture to suggest that he come sit down again.

For a time she just studied him, trying to evaluate the state of his feelings now after he'd had a moment to breathe. He looked... better? Not great, of course, and angry. Again she was touched that he might be upset on her behalf. Nobody had ever been angry for her before, other than Lilliana. As sorry as she felt for Niamh, and truly she did, a selfish part of her was a little giddy. A flush crept up the back of her neck. Was it alright for her to be happy about this? Even if it hurt Niamh? Aurelie wanted to argue with herself, but in the end she didn't have the energy to talk herself out of one more even slightly good thing.

It took a few moments for her to realize that Niamh had left. Had truly left. Not just went into the other room with the door ajar, or even with the door shut, ready to reappear at a moment's notice. She was just... gone. For a class, if she understood correctly, so she would be gone for a fair bit of time if she came back at all. (Which, given how she'd left... Well, Aurelie didn't know if that made her return more likely or less.) They were... alone. Actually alone. Again. The memory of both the last time they were truly alone in a professor's office and the embarrassment from earlier conspired together to send more of her blood rushing to her face. Perhaps she should say something, about before. Or not--she had probably said enough. Aurelie didn't need to open her mouth and give him the wrong impression.

(What was the wrong impression? She couldn't help but wonder.)

Anything she said was likely to come out terribly. She knew she absolutely shouldn't say that it wasn't that she had minded so much, just been surprised. If she opened her mouth, of course, that is exactly what she would say. So no talking for her. Aurelie cleared her throat awkwardly and looked down, away from Fionn. The girl had been staring at him, lost in her own thoughts. What a foolish creature she was. He'd said--he had more to talk to her, about the research. Was that true, or a pretense? Which did she want it to be? No, that wasn't--this still wasn't the time.

"...D-did you want to talk to me, still? And, er, are you... are you alright?" Aurelie's voice came out a little strangled. This was ridiculous. She needed to get herself under control. Hadn't she just been crying? Why were her emotions so out of all proportion like this? Aurelie felt helpless, bounced back and forth between overly strong awareness of Fionn's physical proximity and the strange rawness of her own feelings. That wasn't fair to Fionn either. The redhead couldn't help but assume that the last thing he needed at this moment was to know just how prurient her thoughts were. She didn't want to force her interest on him, no matter what.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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He hadn’t expected her to swear. Actually, he hadn’t expected much of anything; it implied that he’d thought. He hadn’t thought things through though, he’d just acted. All Fionn had known was that he needed Niamh to go away, he needed her to leave and take her intrusive field and her sharp, judging eyes and her presence that had upset Aurelie. So he’d found something to hurt her — he was good at making others hurt — and he’d used it against it. Although used was such a gentle word in this situation. In truth, he’d smacked her with it — hard.

The hurt had been there, moving in waves around him, the taste of his victory scenting the air and then she’d flexed and instead of being cowed, it had only heightened his sense of triumph. He saw it for the impotent gesture that it was but he also felt the increase of those emotions, hurt and maybe a hint of betrayal, disbelief. This was something he’d never been able to experience — nay, enjoy — when he’d harmed passives in the past. The teenager had punched and kicked and he’d felt and heard the sensations of pain, had almost been able to taste the pain and fear and defeat in the air, but it had been imagination more than anything. This though, this was tangible and even though it was his sister, even though she’d done so many good things for him in the past few months, something of the old Fionn reared his head, only registering that she was galdor and the enemy and that his loyalty wasn’t to her.
Aurelie was pressed to his side, something solid, something solidly his in this moment and maybe all future moments and his cruelty wasn’t wholly selfish because he had her to protect but that didn’t mean that he didn’t enjoy it.

Niamh could only swear at him, a weak whisper, useless and then she fled. Every movement of hers was victory, the retreat of a damaged, beaten thing and he had to repress the urge to laugh. It could only have been a sneer, contempt for this supposedly superior individual who fled with her tail between her legs because of some hard words. All true though, all true — he wasn’t the only one in the wrong here.

Something primal was feeding on this, an animal that he’d fed for a number of years, although not recently and it liked it, eager and greedy, certainly not sated after all these months of starvation. There was a part of him that watched it all with the horror of self-awareness. Because this was wrong, this was horrible and he wasn’t like this anymore.

But clock the Circle, he liked it and he knew it — the Circle knew it because who better to hold such knowledge than deities?

The passive girl bleated excuses beside him, weakly attempting to stand up for the galdor and while he believed her, he didn’t care. Whether she’d done it with malicious intent or not, Niamh had still upset the girl and she shouldn’t have been here anyway. If she’d left in the first place when he’d told her to instead of stepping into the lab then the diminutive redhead wouldn’t be fighting tears now — suffering because of the kindness his sibling had provided.

“I don’t care. She needed to leave,” Fionn explained flatly, gazing down at her. The passive had drawn away from him a bit, giving herself some breathing room and affording her the opportunity to look up at her rescuer. Slowly, he moved to resume his seat, not taking his eyes off her face the entire time. The anger had left his face but the glint of excitement still flamed within his gaze, the rest of his features largely impassive as he considered her.

So small and vulnerable, he could just pounce and she’d be so wonderfully willing, just as Niamh had said that she’d be and he could just-

Don’t. Don’t even think it, he chided himself, an edge of nervous panic in his mental voice. Old feelings had been dredged up and with them, other sensations, other pleasures. How often had he beaten the shit out of someone and found that blood pounded through him, the rush of adrenaline easily leading on the flood of other hormones? It was an unfortunate link honestly but a natural one perhaps, for pain and violence to be linked with sex in his mind.

The regular Fionn, the more level-headed young man was beginning to assert control though and that one knew that he wasn’t an animal, certainly not some rutting beast that found physicality so much easier to revel instead of having to deal with pesky emotions. Something more normal came back, brow pinching so that a line appeared between his eyebrows — concern. The youth reached out, thumb manoeuvred to wipe her cheek gently, the gesture tender and concerned.

“Yes, I wanted to talk — if you wanted to talk. I’m here for you, remember?” the boy pointed out, fingers hovering near her face. Some nervous energy remained, adrenaline tingling through his fingertips and almost itching. If she didn’t protest then he’d tuck hair behind her ear and then allow his fingers to skim over strands, beginning to pet them.

“Yes, I’m all right. I was just- She came in and I didn’t know- She would have started trying to work out what I might have done wrong — what we might have done wrong. I could see it,” Fionn admitted with a flash of annoyance, teeth briefly gritted together before it softened into a grimace.

“I’m sorry. I really am. That isn’t the way that I wanted to- I just didn’t think.”

His hand drew back, hovering near her face, something curious in his gaze as it swept back and forth, reading her expression. A smirk crept across his lips, uncalled for but irresistible.

“I must ask permission... before I touch. Do you mind me touching your hair? Your face?” he asked softly, head cocked while his fingertips drew nearer, moving over the area of her cheek, just barely out of contact with her skin although she might well feel the air of their passage.

“Did you want to ask me anything? Anything at all? It doesn’t… it doesn’t have to be to do with the lab, research, passives. Wouldn’t want you put on the spot.”

The smirk broadened into a grin. He was putting her on the spot right now, he knew it. And yet, some part of him hoped that she’d ask him to do something so that he could do something to soothe the itch that his harsh words to his sister had awoken.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Not just the authority that startled her, but the flatness and the anger too. Aurelie looked at Fionn's face and saw something reflected in it she hadn't seen before. Whatever it was, it connected more strongly with the scars on his fist and the rumors she'd heard than his behavior in her presence before. Her pulse sped up, and it wasn't because she was worried or afraid. Aurelie wasn't sure what to make of her reaction.

She felt like she should care, that Fionn didn't care that Niamh hadn't actually done anything to deserve harshness. And she did care--dimly, distantly, rationally, Aurelie did very much care. Niamh had been kind to her, Niamh had tried to reach out, and if she'd stumbled on a nerve it was only because she hadn't known it was there to strike. That part of her was small and quiet and she would only listen to it later. Unfortunately, the much, much louder part of herself was... excited, simply and entirely. Maybe she would apologize to Niamh later. Likely not. They weren't friends anyway.

"Uhm," she squeaked intelligently. There was still some kind of raw hollowness in her heart that didn't exactly heal, but was pushed away when he touched her face. That look was something more like what she felt like she knew. Tenderness and concern mixed together in her heart with something else she wasn't sure she knew what to do with. Her crying wasn't, precisely, gone. This did nothing to help with her confusion. Fionn kept touching her hair very casually, she thought; it was also not helping. She liked it, but it was not helping.

"It. Er. It's... You're probably right. Ah. Good that you're alright. Very. Very good." What was she saying? She had no idea. Aurelie had wanted him to sit next to her again, and now she felt like she'd made a miscalculation. Some kind of grave flaw in her mathematics. He pulled his hand back but it didn't go far, still near her face, and--how was she supposed to handle that kind of expression, directed at her? Sweet, merciful Lady. She might actually perish. Weren't they both supposed to be upset?

Permission--bells and chimes, she had said that before, hadn't she? When she'd said it she hadn't expected it to come back to her in quite this way. Like it could be said with a different kind of intent and mean the same thing but... but not. Aurelie's face flushed. That his fingertips didn't actually touch her skin was quite possibly the worst agony she had ever been in. This, this was unfair. He was cheating. She didn't know what he was cheating at, but he was cheating. It was his face, she decided. Aurelie had no defense against it when he focused on her like that. Did anyone? Last time she'd been alone with him, she had been annoyed when he talked about her like she was just being pulled along by his whim. If he said something like that again, she would scream. So she had to do something about it before that happened. Whatever that was.

"N-no I don't mind. Y-you can t-touch whatever--uh. Oh my." No, that wasn't going to help. The sensible part of her had fled again. Aurelie wanted it back. Was any part of her sensible to begin with? Aurelie licked her lips and swallowed. When had the room gotten so warm? Aurelie didn't have the best grasp of flirting, but that was. Well. Flirting sounded mild. He said something about putting her on the spot--what a liar. That was extremely clearly exactly what he was trying to do, and they both knew it.

"A-ask you...? Oh. Uhm." He was grinning at her, this wasn't fair. Aurelie found herself smiling back, though with a much lower degree of self-assurance. She was shy, even though they were just... sitting there, really. Sitting there, and he wasn't even touching her. Was definitely, deliberately, absolutely not touching her. Thinking seemed difficult and she was exhausted right down to her bones from chasing her own mind around in circles. She hadn't the energy for it anymore. So she just opened her mouth and let the first thing that came to her fall out of it.

"I, uh. Can I kiss you?" Aurelie turned bright scarlet immediately, but her eyes stayed glued to Fionn's face, wide and hopeful. If she had misread this moment, she would perish on the spot.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

The youth had established some strange coping methods over the years. If he hadn’t been gated, if he hadn’t had to deal with this environment and those who abused their power then he might have developed into something better — or he might have just lost his mind. Although many things he did could be described as bizarre or warped, Fionn had managed to protect quite a bit of himself, remarkably intact mentally in spite of everything he’d been through. One of the things that had made his sister uncomfortable over the past few days was how okay he seemed to be — a bit moody, sometimes thoughtful sure but otherwise largely untouched by the grief she’d observed just a few days ago. Often the boy could compartmentalise but more often than not, he simply exchanged one sort of emotion for another. Strange though it might seem, it had worked and maybe that was why his psyche hadn’t fractured. It was why it had been so easy to switch to anger with his sister and not a raging fire either but a focused flame, more subtle but potent. After so long without that sort of rage, it was no wonder that it hit him the way that it did, going straight to his head. From there, the transition to sex was an easy one but his attitude was different than it had been that time in Keyes’ office. He was focused, cool and confident. He couldn’t deny that it felt good, a lot of his doubts and nervousness and awkwardness burned away. After that burst of anger, it had gone, the boy temporarily cleansed. It wouldn’t last, of course, maybe an hour at a push unless his temper flared again, and then he’d have to suffer the pain of absence in his heart and the guilt over everything but not now.

Now he could flirt and seduce. Aurelie wouldn’t be the first — or the last — to be enthralled by the young man while he was in such a state. There was good reason why he’d managed to leave a trail of lovers in his wake. The passive had quite an appeal to others, especially when they had his full attention.

The young woman was enchanted, well and truly and seeing the look on her face, it was no wonder that his smile widened, the teenager knowing that he had her — it was a look he’d seen often enough. Maybe he could have gotten her to do anything — anything — as Niamh had scornfully suggested but while there was a lot of the beast in him right now, he still had reason and he cared about the girl. Even if he could unravel her completely, he wouldn’t but it was tempting to see how far he could push her. Very tempting.

The blonde chuckled at her bungled attempt at granting permission. The girl was prone to let her true thoughts slip, especially it seemed when she intended to keep them to herself. Her eager tongue had done all the talking for her, even as she tried to maintain some degree of respectability. So flustered, her embarrassment clear and her excitement almost tangible. His heart was racing but he held himself back, choosing not to be the initiator here even if the servant was confident that she’d eagerly accept any attentions he chose to bestow on her with his hands or mouth. It was more exhiliarating to see her wrestle with herself, almost ready to squirm as she tried to determine what it was she wanted. The passive might try to reel herself in, ask something sensible about the subject of research but he didn’t think she would, not when he’d offered himself to her on a silver platter. Not when he could see the spark of desire in her green eyes.

It was probably cruel but even if she went the sensible route, he’d steer her back to a more lustful path because he could and he wanted to do so. Too good to resist and ultimately too easy. He’d defended her virtue to his sister and he’d do it again, even if Aurelie gave him everything because she was a good girl, pure — she’d only fold for him but she’d do it gladly, readily.

Another chuckle escaped him, low and husky at her blurted question, closing the gap between them but still keeping his distance — teasing. He let his fingers touch her cheek but barely, the contact light and probably maddening as he trailed the tips over her skin.

“Of course you can,” he murmured, tilting his head a little to the side, his face a few inches from her own but making no effort to move closer. His smile grew sly and crooked as he watched her, eyelids drooping a little so that his brown eyes grew darker, almost appearing black. His taunting touch would find the curve of her jaw, trace it to the underside of her chin as if ready to tilt her face upwards but he didn’t — another tease. Instead, he’d let it go back the way it’d come, moving to rest lightly on the back of her neck.

She was still shy and he didn’t want her shy or timidly passive in this. He was trying to rise a response and ultimately he was going to let her come to him. She’d asked if she could kiss him, not the other way around and he was going to make her obey her own words.

“Come on then,” he prompted softly, part tease, part challenge. He could feel his pulse pounding in his neck, maybe hear it in his ears although he couldn’t be sure whether or not that was his imagination, especially as he could mainly hear his own breathing, which seemed loud to his ears although probably wasn’t; he was just hyper aware.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Fionn, she thought, was a bully. A bully and a cheat. Aurelie may have fallen in with a bad sort after all. Though, if he was a bully, she certainly didn't seem to mind being bullied much--so what did that make her? Stupid, probably. She hadn't the energy to care. The teasing trail of his fingertips on her cheek left a warmth in their wake even with so slight a contact that filled up that hollow space in her breastbone, even if only for now.

If she was an idiot, then so be it. In the normal course of her life, Aurelie would never have thought to ever find herself here, in this moment, staring at that sly smile that hooked Fionn's mouth. In the intended course of her life, they likely would never have even met. The course of her life, normal or intended, seemed very small and dull to her right now.

Part of her wanted to pull back. Loftily declare that she was just asking to know, and then try to change the subject to something else. Not just for the sake of rules or propriety, but because Aurelie Steerpike was wildly nervous and ill-practiced when it came to these things. She could mumble something about needing a chaperone, or even that she had to leave. (Which she probably did, but she was worried if she said it even in jest Fionn might be sensible enough to make her. That neither of them were being very sensible right now didn't mean that couldn't change, and she didn't want it to.) Were she more experienced with such things, she could even have phrased it like a tease. Or at least she thought such a thing was possible--it seemed possible. For another girl, perhaps. For Aurelie, it was all she could do to not squeak something absurd and run out of the room in embarrassment.

You have kissed him before, she reminded herself sternly. Which was true. That had gone well enough, she thought, until she had asked silly questions and then had to go back to her work. At least it seemed like it had gone well enough. He was here now, and even though he hadn't moved much closer to her she didn't think it was lack of interest. Even if he laughed when she fumbled through her words, it didn't feel like--or at least she hoped this was true--he was laughing at her. Entirely.

"Uh, g-good." If that had been audible or understandable, she would be more shocked than anyone else. She had felt her mouth move and thought she heard her own voice, but the syllables of it were lost as soon as they touched her ears. Aurelie's mouth dropped open, just a little, when Fionn's touch moved to her jaw and then back down to the back of her neck. Her heart sounded very loud.

If only she could stop being so clocking nervous, this would go much better. In Keyes' office before, Fionn hadn't seemed quite so--unruffled. Not nearly as much a mess as she had been, but who was? Aurelie wasn't objecting in particular, but it did make her feel a little silly by comparison. She tried to reassure herself that it was probably fine, and everyone had to start somewhere, surely, but it did very little good. She was all nerves buzzing through her skin and lighting up her heart.

"I, uh. I will. Do that. Yes." She hesitated just a moment more, her breath coming short while her common sense tried to take control again. It failed. Aurelie let her her eyelids shutter, a tangle of nerves and misery and affection and desire pulling her forward to close the gap of space between them. On some impulse one hand came up to Fionn's chest as if to brace herself. It was not the most expert or graceful motion ever made, but she found her footing soon enough. Anxious, and she pulled back more quickly than she would have liked, but warm and full of wanting. Not just a physical wanting, though she had plenty of that. Somehow her one, brief, clumsy attempt to close the distance between them sparked off a desire to try and make solid her feelings, as well. To crawl inside his skin and make a place for herself there. As literally or metaphorically as she could manage.

Oh, she had missed him, hadn't she? Aurelie knew she was unreasonable and letting a physical impulse drive her actions, and that they barely knew each other. Maybe she was mistaking wanting for feeling. There was just a part of her that had been thinking about him the entire time. They'd spoken but once between the last time they'd been alone and now. That hadn't been under the best of circumstances, either, and she had felt lonelier somehow afterwards. Today hadn't started much better, both of them fragile and broken up with their own private miseries. Aurelie wasn't sure Fionn really understood how much of herself she had given him, in talking about her parents' death. She also wasn't sure it mattered, at least not right now. If that was something that carried more weight with her, if what she had given was something only she wanted--well, she had wanted to do it. That counted for something.

She wanted to do this as well, wherever it was going. Aurelie shifted to angle herself a little better, a little closer. The palm of her hand was still braced on Fionn's chest; she would leave it there as long as he let her, the fabric of his shirt bunched underneath her fingertips. The other she thought to slide up his shoulder to come to touch the back of his neck at the base of his skull. She could feel his pulse underneath of her hands. The thrum of it made her giddy and her nervousness seemed funny. So funny, in fact, she couldn't help but laugh a little at herself.

"You," she declared with as much mock-seriousness as her quiet voice would allow, "are entirely too far away. I-it's very unfair." The joke was whispered into the small gap of space she had left between their faces.