[Closed] A Little Blurry

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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Fionn seemed warmer to her than before and Niamh was immensely grateful for that. If she was going to sit here then she’d rather not have her brother glaring at her. She didn’t think that her presence was welcomed exactly but at least he wouldn’t be shooting dirty looks her way — she hoped! She’d rather not deal with ill feeling if it could be avoided and she’d rather not get into an argument with him, something that would be all too likely if he raised her temper again. Perhaps he wouldn’t have been inclined to let her thoughtless comments slide if he’d still been irritated with her, but he didn’t glare at her or roll his eyes — not that she saw anyway. Honestly, he was probably too distracted to be all that bothered in any case, especially as she was clearly apologetic. Besides, once her brother started, few things could stop him.

As he began talking, his face changed and his awareness of anything else around him diminished sharply. The more he spoke the more into the topic he became and the more romantic his descriptions grew. A smile crept onto her face, the young woman resisting the urge to giggle as he started gesticulating wildly and rather aimlessly, his enthusiasm boundless; she couldn’t resist a snort at the display though.

The young man probably wasn’t furnishing Aurelie with the answers she wanted but he meant well. Furthermore, all his excitement and his pretty words were highly endearing. The eldest Madden was quite fond of her brother and she felt certain that the passive woman was very fond of him as well, although it no doubt went beyond mere fondness. What Niamh saw as endearing and regarded with fondness, Aurelie no doubt found rather attractive. Not that the galdor couldn’t see it — the attractiveness. Fionn was a very handsome young man, just like his younger brother. His features were made all the more pleasant when they were animated, giddy joy shining out of his face and she supposed that even the movements of his hands and arms could be viewed as enticing if you were sufficiently interested. Niamh knew from experience that that was a very real possibility; she found the most mundane things about Harper attractive. But her dear professor didn’t have the sort of musculature that her brother did, subtle though it was and she understood that many women found that sort of masculine marker to be rather seductive. Not that she was taken in by such things. After all, the monic theorist could hardly be termed a shining example of virility; no one else seemed to find him worthy of notice.

Obviously, the Living Conversationalist wasn’t considering her brother like that, just imagining how he might look in Aurelie’s eyes. His sister was simply happy to see him looking more lively than he had since arriving at the lab with fears about his former roommate. Seeing him forget his misery — even if only temporarily — was quite heartening and it was what the student had hoped for when she’d decided to bring Aurelie here. She’d wanted the female servant to pull him out of himself, stop him from sinking deeper into his despair and the young woman had reached him in a way that Niamh had known she wouldn’t be able to do. She genuinely sounded as if she would be happy to allow Fionn to talk about whatever he chose — something that Niamh had never been able to stomach.

However, she felt that she was interfering again — for reasons outside of anything romantic. As her brother suggested that the diminutive redhead try to feel the nexus for herself, the final year student was forced to dampen her field so that it wouldn’t intrude on her senses. It wasn’t just the tangible presence of her field that encroached on the situation with the passives. It felt like this was an exclusively passive moment and that she wasn’t meant to be there; Niamh felt like an interloper.

The redhead chewed the inside of her cheek — which was better than biting her nails — and raised her teacup to take a dainty sip, watching furtively over its lip as the young woman shut her eyes. A look to Fionn showed that he was trying not to gaze at her too intently and so their eyes met, hazel to brown. His narrowed slightly and he frowned. She glanced away.

When the other redhead spoke at last, her voice sounded very-

The student looked up and yes, Aurelie was teary-eyed but not sobbing. Her voice had a weak tremor to it, which sounded like unshed tears clogging her vocal cords. She sounded quite upset but… she’d been upset before they’d entered the lab, hadn’t she? It seemed unlikely that the inability to sense a nexus had caused so much emotion. Although she could be a very sensitive young woman; Niamh didn’t know her well enough to tell.

How was she meant to handle a situation like this? What should she do?

“It’s all right, I’m sure that you’ll find it easier when you have a chance to try it in your own time,” the galdor assured her, curling a lock of hair loosely around her finger before absently tucking it behind her ear. She sipped her tea, wondering what other platitudes she could offer or if there was something more practical she could offer. Should she cross the few feet between them to embrace her? No, that’d just be awkward and probably not that comforting, but Fionn-

Damnit! He was going to get all touchy-feely again, wasn’t he? She didn’t want to sit here and watch that, squirming uncomfortably while it occurred. At the same time, it’d be mean of her to cut any comforting short when the little passive was ready to cry. The student was determined not to leave and uncomfortable with the idea of staying. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place!

“I’m sure that you’ll get the hang of it,” she offered, gaze dropping to her lap. Her field began to expand once more, an uncomfortable pulse in it.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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Trying to be helpful had either taken a very sour turn or else there was something beyond nexi on Aura’s mind. Her concern for him had been clear earlier but maybe there’d been more there that he’d missed — or he’d made assumptions. Because when she opened her eyes and he saw the shimmer of tears in them, he couldn’t imagine that the failure to find a nexus had caused that.

Maybe he’d put too much pressure on her. Maybe she was afraid of disappointing him. He’d been worried about making her self-conscious and perhaps that’s just what he’d done, made her so hyper aware of everything around her, including him, that now she’d upset herself.

Her voice was so strange — so unlike her — and that coupled with the watery greens twisted his heart painfully. He visibly drooped, sympathy and concern radiating from his features as he twisted himself to face her properly. He didn’t care that his sister was there, didn’t care for anything she had to say — godsdamnit, Niamh was far from consoling right now! — and certainly had no interest in saving her from the terrible sight of him showing kindness to a girl about whom he cared. He could tell in his periphery that she’d grown awkward as if sensing what he was going to do but he had no sympathy for her — only Aurelie.

He shifted so that he could reach into his pocket, fishing out a familiar square of fabric, thumb rubbing over the decorative stitching before he drew it out. He folded some of the cloth around his left index finger and reached his hand up to her face, intending to dab delicately at her moist lashes. The handkerchief that he’d taken out would be quite familiar to Aurelie — she’d gifted it.

“Hey, don’t… It’s okay, Aura, really...” he whispered, syllables slow and drawn out so that he almost cooed them at her. His other hand sought her shoulder near her neck, fingers moving to lightly massage the area as he gazed into her face.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. It took me time to find it but you have one. You don’t have to worry that you don’t. I did but I didn’t have anyone to- I can feel yours,” he assured her.

Assuming she didn’t protest then the young man would hold her face, both of his hands framing it so that she’d look at him while he watched her, eyes scanning for any signs that might appear to provide some indication to her state of mind. The youth tried to project something tender and earnest so she wouldn’t doubt that he meant everything that he said.

“I felt your nexus the moment I met you. I could feel it before you joined me that day in the kitchens. I felt it a few days ago in the storeroom… and I knew it was... you. Before I saw you.”

Creases appeared around his eyes and across his brow, skin tightening as he looked guilty and apologetic, knowing what sort of memories he was purposely dredging up — painful and associated with his anxiety about Lars — but feeling that it was necessary to do so.

“I can feel it now and it’s so much nicer to be near than a field — not just because it’s a nexus but because it feels like you,” the blond admitted, face warming. He licked his lips, still considering her closely although the tension had ebbed from his face once more; it had softened so much that he looked as if he might start crying too. “You’ll feel it too — in your own time.”

If failing to tap into the new sense was bothering her then he hoped that he could reassure her. He’d been through it and unlike her, he hadn’t had anyone tell him that he definitely had one so he had feared that he didn’t, that he was truly broken in every way that mattered. If he was her then he guessed that would be the most likely worry and that’s why he’d done everything he could to assuage such doubts by highlighting its existence. However, he was worried that there was more going on here.

He reached up to tuck hair behind the ear of the other scrap, hearing his sister make a small, choked noise at the tender gesture. Fionn tried to ignore her but annoyance flashed across his features, irritation clear in the askance look he shot in her direction. The middle Madden took a deep breath to calm himself, forcing himself to settle his features into sympathy and concern again.

“Is it… that? The nexus? Or is something else bothering you? If it’s something else…”

He sought her hands, the handkerchief fluttering onto his leg, which he’d pulled up onto the couch in the space between them, bent and lying flat to touch lightly against her own.

“You can tell me. If this isn’t a good time- If you’re worried about others left working while you’re here- You can tell me, Aura, okay? You can trust me. If you want Niamh to- Niamh can leave. That’s probably best actually. You should do that. Please.”

The last word came when his sibling made spluttered protest, having been interrupted in the act of drinking tea by his surprise demand. He didn’t know if she was just shocked or indignant as well. He didn’t much care. He didn’t turn his head to meet her disbelieving gaze but the emotion was starting to creep its way across in her field so he hardly needed to do so. Instead, he kept his attention on Aurelie. He was talking directly to the other scrap and the Madden daughter could butt out — it was as simple as that.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

This wasn't what she had wanted to do at all. Hadn't she promised herself she would keep it together? Aurelie could count on one hand the number of times she had given in to tears since she was gated, and now it had been twice in the same week. A more reasonable person would have cut her some slack, given the circumstances, but Aurelie was apalled at herself. Now see what she'd done! Managed to make Fionn upset when everything was just fine, that's what. What business did she have, forcing her problems on either of the Maddens? When Niamh started speaking, Aurelie did her best to try and stop herself before she began to sob properly.

"Nn, n-no it's okay, thank you, I..."

She might have succeeded, too, after a few moments. There was one lie she could always tell, was an expert at telling, and this one was it. But the numb calm had been replaced with a true ache and the sight of her terrible embroidery in Fionn's hands, fished from his pocket, was too much. To keep it at all was one thing, but to have it, now? On his person? It wasn't even any good! Her eyes welled up anew, a real tear rolling away down her cheek. This was absurd, so completely unacceptable. Stop this right now, you twit! No amount of internal scolding seemed to work. She had fractured.

"I'm s-sorry, I'll be fine," she tried to protest, though the words were thin and weak. Why would he-- why would anyone-- Aurelie had to force herself not to jerk away when Fionn put his hands on her face. She bit the inside of her cheek, hard, trying to let the pain of it keep her steady. She couldn't look at him, and pulled gently away. She didn't know how to say that the presense or absence of her own not-field wasn't really what was on her mind without saying all of it, and she wasn't sure she could. Aurelie shrank in on herself instead. Her hands bunched up in her skirt. He didn't need to-- to say all of those things, or think about-- it was fine, really. She was going to be fine.

What a poor liar you are after all, her traitor heart whispered to her. She was not fine. She was very clearly not fine, at all, she just didn't-- nobody needed to hear-- what did it matter? Fionn tucked her hair behind her ear and she made some small wounded noise. It was too much, with Niamh there and her head so stuffed full of her own petty troubles. A few more tears escaped and she scrubbed viciously at them with her hand, as if she could erase them from memory if she pushed hard enough.

It would have been very easy, she knew, to just collapse. A spare part of Aurelie felt some sympathy for Niamh, twice now caught between Aurelie and her absurd delicacy of emotion. Aurelie's breath shuddered in and out, just once, when Fionn caught her hands. So easy, too easy. She shouldn't--surely if there was a point at which her childish feelings were unacceptable, this was it. Aurelie was terrified of her inability to contain herself.

"I-it's not that, that's--I'll try again another day," she confessed softly and bit her lip. She still couldn't quite bring herself to look at either of them, and settled for staring somewhere in the region of Fionn's knee. She needed to get herself under control. "I... I t-trust you, it's just... I don't want to bother you. It's f-fine, really it is." At the word "you", Aurelie glanced first at Fionn and then away to Niamh. A thread had been pulled. Aurelie was very near to coming unspooled. Unbidden, one of her hands escaped to touch the place where her locket lay against her skin. Aurelie shrank into herself again, miserable and small. Her other hand clutched at Fionn's hard without her realizing.

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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Could he be any more predictable? He couldn’t keep his hands off her, not even for a moment. For someone who had been so leery about being touched and continued to be so, Fionn was incredibly tactile — with Aurelie. She couldn’t deny that it was sweet, so saccharine that it might even be too much for her and Niamh was a romantic.

The sensation of being an interloper only increased as he focused solely on the passive girl and she wasn’t sure that Aurelie acknowledged her existence either — not once she thanked Niamh for her kind words. She felt that even if she flexed her field while it was flooded with strong emotion, it would do nothing to disturb the pair. However, she couldn’t be wholly sour — the diminutive redhead did seem rather upset. Whatever it was, the servant tried to suppress it, struggled to do so and it was evident in every twist and strain of her face. It was painful to watch, the galdor wanting to cringe away to avoid having to witness it.

Seeing another person in pain was horrible and something that the student had a difficult time stomaching but her brother didn’t appear to be deterred. He seemed ready — and able — to show her a degree of tenderness and care that Niamh had rarely seen a man display. She was struck by what a wonderful man he could have been — a husband, a father, an academic — if he’d been afforded the right sorts of opportunities. Obviously, he still had all the potential to be those things but it would never happen; a passive couldn’t marry, have children or enjoy the educational opportunities that galdori took for granted.

He would have been a better heir than Oísin ever would be, although certainly not one that Toibin Madden deserved, despicable and controlling man that he was. A better brother as well. Fionn would never have taunted her the way that Oísin had, would never have assembled a gang of bullies to delight in her misery as he did so. Then again, maybe he wouldn’t have been better but it seemed hard to believe. Suffering had done something to him but he’d suffered before he tested passive; his sweet nature had never been stripped away in spite of it all — no matter how nasty he might act sometimes.

He was a good boy at heart and she was hardly being fair to him right now. Sure, he was a passive and he wasn’t meant to interact with women of his kind but she’d already bent plenty of rules. She didn’t have to go far but she could give them a few minutes. She didn’t know what had upset Aura but she felt that she had little right to learn of it; it was no doubt a passive thing — what other concerns could the girl have in her life?

Despite considering leaving of her own accord, Niamh rankled when her brother told her that she should go. She’d been drinking her tea at the time — poorly timed — and inadvertently spat some it back into the cup as she spluttered indignantly. She pulled herself up, trying to stretch to her full height while sitting. Her cup rattled on its saucer, its contents swilling violently back and forth almost up to the rim. Her lips drew together in a disapproving line.

He didn’t even bother to look at her! Impertinent ersehole!

Well, damn him! She’d stay and scowl at him! Her field pulsed with her irritation, stubbornness ready to fix her to her seat to spite him. But then the other woman looked first at the gated Madden and then at the elder one, her expression showing what a precarious emotional state she was in — unable to hide it.

The student dampened her field guiltily, soothing her ruffled emotions and glancing away from the distraught servant. She didn’t want to be a bother…

Gods, did she feel like this was an inconvenience to Niamh? Did she think that the Living Conversationalist felt obligated to take time out of her life to be here and obligated to remain so that nothing improper could occur?

Well… she wouldn’t have been wrong.

Just step into the lab and shut the door behind you. You’ll be near enough if you were needed, she tried to assure herself, thinking that her brother wouldn’t want to summon her even if she was needed. Then again, what was the worst that could happen where he’d need her assistance? It wasn’t as if she’d acquire an injury that the woman would have to heal and the hurt from which she currently suffered likely couldn’t be remedied by any magic she could muster, no matter how gifted. She couldn’t really deal with sobbing and emotional pain, not without risking making it worse — she remembered Madeleine with a barely repressed shudder — but her brother seemed more than capable of handling this.

What was a good pretense though?

“I’m not going to leave,” she announced, unable to keep something smugly superior from her declaration. He wasn’t the galdor or the elder sibling here — he had no right to tell her what to do.

“However, I do have some uh… cataloguing to do. In the lab so… I’ll be in there. Right through this door,” she added lamely, gesturing to the door in question as she rose, still carrying her teacup. “I’ll be um… I’ll probably be a little while, just a- Well, not too long erm… yes,” she concluded awkwardly, red flooding her somewhat pained expression. Smooth, very smooth.

She did as she said, hesitating over closing the door and finally settling for leaving it ajar. They had privacy but not too much privacy. At the very least, the passive redhead could keep some degree of dignity.

Hopefully.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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Aura had claimed to be a terrible liar and that had never been clearer than right now. The young woman’s words said one thing but everything else — right down to her actual voice — said something else entirely. She said that she was okay; she was clearly far from being okay.

She made no real protest when Fionn moved to dab away tears, she might have said that she would be fine — not that she was fine so she couldn’t even keep up the lie — but he doubted it unless she unburdened herself. There was something more serious here, some undercurrent that he should—would—have picked up on if he hadn’t thought that everything was about him. Could he not have pulled his head out of his own erse for one minute to realise that she might be feeling more than some sympathetic sorrow because of him?

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

There was something tense about her when he put his hands on her face as if she wanted to pull away but was holding herself back. What had occurred in the few days since he’d seen her last to make her like this? If he assumed that it wasn’t to do with him, had nothing to do with the scene she’d happened upon in the laundries’ storeroom then what could have upset her so? What could make her shrink in herself and space out? What had brought that turmoil to her bright, expressive eyes so that gazing into them was like looking into the depths of a tortured soul? Her gaze suggested that something in her had broken or was on the verge of doing so and he didn’t know what could have altered her so.

The pain in his chest only increased as he conjured up all sorts of possibilities, each more horrible to contemplate but enough to send his pulse roaring, something like panic strangling him so that breathing grew more difficult and he felt as if he couldn’t get in enough air no matter how quickly he drew it in.

As soon as he released his hold on her face, she looked away. She probably didn’t want him to see more although the glimpse he’d gotten into her pain or confusion — whatever it was — had afforded him more than enough insight already. Too much insight.

Gods, he felt ready to break down in her midst, something in him coming loose so that he wanted to throw his arms around her and clasp her tightly to his chest but that would be a gesture designed to comfort him as much as — if not more than — Aurelie. He couldn’t come undone prematurely; he had to seem collected and strong enough to support whatever she needed to unburden or she’d never tell him.

Instead, he held back and watched her, the teenager forcing himself to take in everything. He hadn’t spotted the fine chain around her neck but he realised for the first time that she wore a necklace, enough of it raised so he could make out that it was a locket. If it carried an image or a lock of hair then he could only guess that it belonged to someone dear from her pre-gated life — a family member no doubt. More than the locket or her pathetic assurances, he had to focus on the hand that gripped his own because her hold was tight enough to hurt. A twitch of his left eye was the closest he came to a wince, even as he regarded her shrinking posture.

Surely she wasn’t scared to tell him whatever-

But fucking hell, why couldn’t Niamh just leave like a decent person without making a whole performance of the thing? He’d asked her to go and she seemed to have taken her time to think about it, even going so far as to refuse — although offering something of a compromise. A trip to the laboratory in the next room — a weak pretense if ever he heard one — was better than having her sit there eyeing them over a cup of tea.

He’d entirely forgotten about the tea but now as his sister moved off, he let his attention slide to the pair of untouched cups and then to the tray where there were additives that could sweeten it. Yes, he’d add something sugary to hers and offer it to her, sweet tea likely to help her a bit, the sugar providing a burst of much needed energy to boost her. Although he’d have to reach over their joined hands to do it and that was hardly ideal. Instead, he settled for using his free hand to cradle her chin, coaxing her to look at him if he could all while leaning close enough that there were scant inches between them, his breath puffing against her skin.

“I’ve told you before: you won’t bother me,” the blond whispered fiercely, brown gaze sharp but not unsympathetic. “Tell me what’s happened. Please. I’m here for you and I can’t…”

He trailed off, biting his lip. His heart throbbed painfully within him.

“Whatever it is, you can tell me. I won’t get angry or upset, I won’t see it as a bother — you aren’t a burden. I just… want to know. I want to help if I can and if I can’t… I’m still here. I can be here for you. You don’t have to be alone when you’re hurting. I know what that’s like and I-I-I won’t…”

He had to swallow, his throat feeling clogged.

“I won’t leave you to hurt alone. Sod the research, the lab, all of this. Every other passive can jump in the Arova for all I care b-b-because I don’t — I don’t care. None of it matters right now, Aura, okay? Only you matter. Whatever it—whatever is bothering you—that’s all I care about at the moment.”

He was incredibly earnest, nearly feverish in his intensity as he stared at her, willing her to trust him and share what was eating away at her. To explain what had made her hurt.

He didn’t know if he could make everything better but he’d try.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Niamh left. She actually left, even as she announced that she wouldn't. Not completely--she'd gone no further than the next room--but she had left the two of them alone. Aurelie couldn't decide if the feeling that flooded her was gratitude or fear. A mix of both, more than likely. She had counted on the other woman's presence to remind her of where she was. Without that reminder... Aurelie’s eyes trailed after Niamh as she left the door ajar. She only looked back when Fionn took her chin in his hand.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, releasing her vice grip on Fionn's other hand. She hadn't even realized she'd done it, but her fingers ached a little from the strain. Merciful Lady, what was wrong with her? Even so close she found it hard to look at him. His eyes on her were sharp enough that she found it even more difficult to look away.

She didn't want to... It was sweet, the things he said. She didn't deserve it, to have someone who barely knew her be so kind. So willing to be there while she fell apart. Aurelie didn't know what to do with that kind of sincerity. With that offer, when all the threads of her heart tangled up and frayed.

Her eyes darted back and forth, searching his face. She wasn't sure what she was looking for--a sign, permission. A lie? Eventually she sighed and brought her hands up to the one he held under her chin, intending to draw it away and clasp it between her palms instead. She looked up at the ceiling, unable to bear holding his eyes any longer. If Fionn didn't draw his hand from hers, she would run her thumbs along it for a moment, then release his hand herself. The tea was forgotten entirely. She wasn't sure she could have swallowed it.

"You c-can't--nobody can... There's no..." Aurelie bit her lip and looked to the crack in the door, thinking of Niamh on the other side of it. After a pause she moved a little closer and turned to face Fionn, tucking her feet up under her skirts as best she could without putting them on the furniture. She let her body slump and her head drop to the back of the sofa. Aurelie's eyes drifted closed. Oh, her resolve had fractured, as she'd been afraid it might. Everything about her posture was weary. Keeping it all in was so hard, and it was all she'd ever done. The weight of her heart was too heavy to carry by herself, afraid as she was to give it to anyone else. At last, she spoke.

"Do you remember me mentioning--when we met, I think I said... I have a sister. Lilliana. She's ten years older than me. I--you know, I was--it was the same year she graduated, that I..." Aurelie swallowed, opened her eyes. She reached up behind her neck and undid the clasp on her locket, pulling it from around her neck where it always lay. The design itself was simple, the kind of style that suited the child she had been when she'd received it. For a moment she looked at it in the cradle of her palm, eyes tracing the familiar contours of tarnished metal. She didn't open it, not until she began to speak again.

"This was meant to be a p-present, to celebrate the start of... of passing my test. They gave it to me early. They were all so sure," she murmured, holding the little necklace and the spectragrams inside out for Fionn to see. She didn't really check to see if he looked or not--she'd started speaking and she found she couldn't stop. If she looked at his face, she wouldn't be able to continue, so she kept her eyes turned down. If tears fell from them, she didn't pay them much mind aside from absently wiping at her jaw with the back of her hand. "That's her, see? And that's--"

Her voice broke as she looked at the portrait of her parents. So solemn, both of them. Her sister looked so young in the side opposite them. Aurelie hadn't even realized until now how strange it was to have seen Ana ten years older when her only image had been this for so long. A moment captured in a prism of time. The images themselves were old and worn, though she had taken the best care of the necklace she could. Too many nights where she had tapped her fingers against them, she supposed. She should have been more careful. Now it was all she'd ever have. It was always going to be, but somehow it just seemed so... so much more more now, and she-- It hurt so much, too much. A proper sob escaped her.

"All of that isn't--I'm sorry I shouldn't have--she came to see me, the other day, for the first time since--she came and--they're gone. They're--Mother and Papa are, for months have been-- But then she said she wanted to--" Aurelie couldn't finish the thought, choked on it. They were gone. They were dead and gone and her sister had come and that hurt too, but how to even say that part of it? That her sister had come not just to tell her that their parents had passed away months ago and nobody had seen fit to tell her, but also to take her to a place that wasn't her home anymore? That Aurelie had told her "no", for fear of hurting Ana but also for fear of what her sister saw when she looked at her?

Misery wrapped around her like a shroud, stuffed her mouth and filled her lungs. She wanted to reach out, to drop her face against his shoulder again because maybe that would feel better or at least like something, but she already felt so self-conscious about having said so much. She liked Fionn, she really did. Liked him a lot, really, more than she should. And he had his own concerns; she was so guilty to have brought this to him. It wasn't fair of her. She was taking advantage of his kindness. It would be beyond selfishness to ask for anything more.

"I'm sorry, this is all so--I was never going to see them again anyway and--I'm sorry. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have said anything. You have enough--I'm sorry." She crushed her necklace in her fist.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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Fionn was grateful to his sister for leaving when she had, her absence necessary if he was going to get Aurelie to admit things. Almost as soon as she had stepped into the other room, the girl before him began to unravel. Her hand freed his and he flexed it subtly, finding that it actually hurt after the way she’d grasped it as if she wanted to put her fingers through his flesh. It was the first sign that she was letting go of whatever restraint she’d been desperately employing since entering the room — maybe before it. But her eyes were the real thing, darting across his face as if checking to see if he meant what he said and if she really could open up to him. Of course you can tell, you can tell me anything, he tried to project, still holding her chin albeit more lightly than before. She pressed his hand between hers and the sliding of thumbs across his skin sent something shivery through him. He let it drop into his lap when she released it.

When she began, she was stuttering, anxious and the young man shushed her soothingly, shaking his head minutely to show that he wouldn’t share it, whatever it was. Evidently, he’d been right to ask his sister to leave judging by the way she glanced at the door through which the eldest Madden had disappeared. Aurelie shifted closer and then flopped back against the couch, looking incredibly drained. He resisted the urge to touch her — he didn’t want to distract her — but he was sorely inclined to do so, to stroke her hair and tell her that everything would be all right. He knew how difficult it could be to hold something in and it took its toll — Fionn could see it on her face. He was already facing her, legs tucked up and leaned his head against the couch back as well, eyes on her face. She looked as if she might sleep, the weight of what she was carrying enough to leave her utterly exhausted. She wasn’t preparing to sleep though but to speak.

Yes, she’d mentioned her sister, he remembered. The sister who had brought her to the ballet. He recalled that she’d said a little about her family, saying more with her voice and her posture as well as her choice to use her family name; her family were still dear to her in spite of everything, something that had left him bemused. He hadn’t talked about Lilliana in any great depth but he found it difficult to believe that they’d been particularly close, not with that age gap — it was a large one. But it meant that she was long gone from Brunnhold and so what did she have to do with the current upset? At about thirty or so — he had no idea what age Aurelie was — she might well be married, even though galdori often wed later, and so it was unlikely that she’d returned to the university to study. Had Aurelie seen her or somehow heard news of her?

She took off her locket, holding it closed until she began to speak again, opening it as she opened her heart and revealed the bitter irony of the gift. They’d given it to her to mark her entrance to Brunnhold but it hadn’t been the entry they’d expected and the passive daughter had been left with a reminder of them, the faded specs within likely particularly cruel in those early days when she had curled up in the strange bed, sore and sobbing herself to sleep. They’d all done it — that he felt sure — cried in pain and loneliness and homesickness because they were all just children at that point; ten year olds discarded by their families and set to work tended to be more than a little upset. The galdori children probably cried a bit as well in the beginning, although they had far less reason to cry.

The images in the locket were of Aura’s parents and a young woman that could only be the famous Lilliana — a true beauty. It was more than looks, the elder Steerpike exhibiting poise and confidence that the still had captured masterfully. Aurelie was attractive, pretty and there were probably plenty who would have overlooked her but her sister was stunning. Not that he’d ever voice such a thing — it’d sound treacherous. So he said nothing, just nodded along but the other servant didn’t even look in his direction; she seemed to be mesmerised by the portraits before her despite the fact that she must have seen her solemn parents and sister many times.

And that’s when something in her properly broke, the young woman releasing a sob that made him reach out at last, laying a hand gently on her leg while trying to be unobtrusive about it; she could shift it easily enough if she wanted to do so.

She began her explanation, Fionn’s eyebrows shooting up at the knowledge that her sister had come to visit her. That was unusual. Yes, his own sister had sought him out — albeit rather unsuccessfully, although fate had brought them together — but she still attended Brunnhold so it hadn’t been out of the way for her. Presumably, Lilliana had had to put a bit of effort into things. However, hers hadn’t been a joyous visit; she’d come with news of their parents’ death. The blond’s face fell, knowing full well that she loved her family and so it must have been horrible. No wonder she was so out of sorts — she was grieving, just as Fionn was but she knew for certain whereas he… well, he only had suspicions. And then she apologised as if what she was going through wasn’t worth this emotional display.

Screw unobtrusive! He reached out to envelop her in a hug, moving to draw her close so he could cradle her against him.

“Hey, no! Don’t say that! I- You needed to say it, Aura. Sweet Lady, you shouldn’t- You don’t have to keep that to yourself,” he explained, frowning as he tried to scold and comfort at the same time. “I’m so sorry. I understand — I’d feel the same, well… no, that’s actually-”

He broke off, fidgeting slightly.

In truth, it was complicated. If Toibin Madden dropped dead tomorrow, he’d probably be angry — unless the bastard died roaring in pain of course. The man probably wasn’t his real father and even if he was, he had always been nasty towards Fionn, even when he couldn’t have known for certain. He loathed him, truly he did, and he was far past the point of wanting to impress him, of wanting to be a worthy son in his eyes — all chance of that had died the day he failed his initiation test. Maybe there was some lingering feeling there, not of love but… something. If anything happened to his mother though…

But he couldn’t leave Aurelie hanging like that.

He didn’t have to meet her eye though and she was near enough that he could admit things without fear of being overheard. However, he’d never told anyone that- no one knew that he was-

“I do get it but I- it’s complicated,” the teenager confessed awkwardly, unable to contain a squirm. He bit his lip, groaning. “My mother- I care about my m-m-mother, even though she- Even before the test, she treated me- she ignored me. Not always but- Of course, I loved her — still do — so I understand but my father, he- Well, I- Niamh and Oísin are my siblings but I don’t know if we- I-I-I-”

He gulped, the youth’s voice dropping so low that it was a wonder he even voiced a single syllable.

“I might not have the same… f-f-father. I’m- yeah. And he hated me. I never knew why until- Started screaming at her... soon as I failed. No son of his. So if he- I wouldn’t- I get it though.”

When had he closed his eyes? When had he started scrunching them so hard that the tension of it was making something hurt in his forehead? He couldn’t even risk looking at her.

“I’m sorry. About your parents. I really am, Aurelie,” the young man finished awkwardly, shrinking into himself a bit. He’d accidentally made it about him but that hadn’t been his intention. He’d wanted to show that he understood but he couldn’t just- Why couldn’t he just have lied and said that he got it and he’d have been upset in her position as well? Truthfully, he couldn’t have lied about Fa- that man because it would have tasted bitter; he wouldn’t have been able to stomach it. So he'd told her about his secret shame, opened up to her as she'd opened up to him.

"I've never told anyone before," he mumbled awkwardly, as if that would make everything better.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Fionn's hand at her leg had been comforting. She wasn't sure she could have said all that she had said, despite how much she needed to say it, if he hadn't reached out just that little bit. There was a part of Aurelie that wasn't sure how much of her grief was about the death of her parents, and it twisted up inside of her. Oh, she loved them--she had always loved them, would always love them. But even as a child their relationship had been distant. Julietta and Edmund Steerpike had never seemed to quite know what to do with their much more quiet, withdrawn daughter. Easier, always, to give her to Nurse or to focus on Ana. A younger Aurelie had always hoped that if she somehow got into school and managed to excel in some way, maybe they would have really seen her. Impossible now, of course. All hope of that had died long before they had.

Still, they were her parents and she loved them. If all her grief wasn't for them, surely a large enough part of it was. She had to think that.

Aurelie still felt heavy, even after saying that much. So much more than she'd meant to say. Guilt gnawed at her, the young woman fully aware that Fionn had enough of his own troubles. Hadn't she come because she wanted to talk to him, not the other way around? Selfish, foolish girl. Yet, when he reached out to pull her against him, she was grateful. It was what she had wanted, but had been too afraid to hope for. Her tears came more readily, somehow, with her face pressed up against his body--a wall lowered, a dam undone. Even the scolding was comforting. It felt... nice, to hear someone give her permission to grieve. Aurelie hadn't realized she needed it, but she had.

She would have been quite content to stay where she was, aching and silent and letting her mind drift only to the rise and fall of Fionn's chest for... well, for longer than was probably wise or possible. But something caught in him as he spoke to her--perhaps her rambling had touched something. She didn't say anything while he spoke, hearing his hesitation in the confession. He didn't look at her and she didn't make him. Aurelie let the hand that wasn't holding her locket come to rest against his leg, a mirror of his gesture before.

Oh. Oh. What a heavy thing to have told her--a heavy thing to have carried around. Aurelie thought back to the strangled way he had almost spoken of his father before, in Keyes' office, and some part of it was more clear to her. A painful throb went through her. Sorrow and guilt both. Sorrow, that he had such a thing to carry, and guilt that she had stirred it up, even unintentionally. Family was everything to her, even as cut off as she was from them now. She couldn't imagine... Aurelie tried to picture it and failed. She didn't need to understand in that way to understand that it hurt him though, and she was sorry for it.

As he finished his confession, every part of him was tense. Her heart lurched painfully in her breast again. Aurelie might have murmured his name, she wasn't sure. Her hand moved of its own accord and came to his face, intending to smooth out his brow. Always her touch was light, as if to leave him room to dismiss it if it was unwanted. Fionn sharing this with her didn't make her feel better, but the shared weight touched her. Such a fragile thing, to share between them. Pain traded for pain. No, it didn't make her feel better, but it did make her feel a little less alone. That was very much like comfort, in the end.

"I'm... glad isn't the right thing to say but..." Aurelie hesitated, searching for the right things to say. All the words she might have said were tangled up in both of their grief. Picking out what needed to be said from what shouldn't be was difficult. She sighed and shifted to lean against him a little more comfortably. She moved also to clutch him just a little closer, if he would allow it, stopping just short of tucking herself in his lap to do so. Niamh's presence in the other room was temporarily forgotten, or she wouldn't have dared even that much.

"I'm sorry," she said simply, letting the apology stand for all manner of things. "And thank you for... thank you. I don't... t-talk. Like this. Usually. So thank you." She sniffed a little, and though she ached no less her crying had quieted.

"Do you... do you ever wonder--what would you do, if you were--if you woke up tomorrow, and you weren't here anymore, but somewhere else and..." Aurelie asked the question without quite thinking it through and lost her words towards the end. She wanted to know, needed to know, if he would understand--if he could understand--the rest, if she told him. About her sister, and her fears. It was too hard to just say, though, and she wondered if it was selfish of her to want to know.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

Did he feel better for having unburdened himself to her? Not exactly. The uncertain knowledge of whether or not he was illegitimate still placed chains around his heart, heavy and constricting. It didn’t lighten things but sharing it with someone — actually spelling it out — did help because it was something that he never had to do with Niamh as it was a secret they shared, both managing to dance around the topic even when they discussed it. Telling Aurelie gave him some power, some ability to loosen the constriction just a little bit so that it was easier. He felt it expand in his chest as she murmured something that sounded like an approximation of his name and her hand moved lightly over his forehead. His eyes opened, the painful tension in his forehead reduced as he stopped squinting and risked peeping in her direction. What had he expected her to do — recoil? No, he hadn’t but he’d thought it might give her pause, the other taking a moment to examine him anew in light of that knowledge. Instead, there was sympathy there and while she appeared to struggle with how to voice her feelings on the matter, he understood what she was trying to say.

She wasn’t glad — of course not — but rather grateful. He’d shared his pain with her and instead of it being selfish and self-centred as he’d feared, pushing away from her own troubles, it had brought them closer. Both of them had had family members leave painful wounds on their hearts and they were both dealing with the rawness of those wounds; Fionn’s own had never properly healed and had been torn open more than once.

“No, I.. I-I know,” he mumbled, relaxing more as she settled against him, arms moving to lightly encircle her waist as she held onto him. Both passives found words failing them now, anything they tried to convey through mere words inadequate but there was another strand of communication here, tenderness exhibited in their actions towards one another. They hadn’t really been able to converse in such a manner while his sister had been watching them but now with her out of sight — although not out of mind, especially given the low sounds of movement emanating from the lab — it was possible for them to go beyond speech.

The redhead was very nearly in his lap and he considered — albeit momentarily — letting an arm drift down to settle behind her knees and tug her the rest of the way but it wouldn’t have been appropriate. Not only was his sibling only in the next room and set to return at some unspecified time but he was aware that her presence might provoke something physical that would confuse things, especially as she’d be fully aware of it. Not the time or the place, not what he wanted either. He’d had plenty of close contact with others but he felt more closely connected to her right now than he had with most others and as he had done with Lars, he wanted to almost meld her to him as if she was the other half of him and he’d be incomplete without her. However, the youth maintained the small distance between them, not wanting to cause her undue discomfort.

As she sniffed and murmured her thanks for the ear he’d lent to her, Fionn moved his hands to her back to trace slow circles through the fabric of her uniform, humming acceptance of her words.

“I’m glad to listen and I- Thank you. For telling me, it means a lot to be trusted,” he confessed, shifting his legs a bit so they were positioned more comfortably. “If you ever need to talk to someone, I’m here for you — and it isn’t a bother.”

The teenager lapsed into silence, eyes fluttering shut again, more natural this time, his forehead smooth and relaxed. The leaden weight of grief still sat heavily within his heart but it felt more bearable now. In time, he’d be able to share other things with her like what the Hessean had meant to him and how the love that had bloomed within him had still been young and sweet, never given the chance to blossom fully and bear fruit. For the moment, he could content himself with the presence of another person, each enveloped in their own private sorrows yet linked in spite of it; their grief was theirs alone but neither was isolated.

Her question made his brows draw together, the servant releasing a questioning sound, unsure what she was asking and not understand what line of thought had provoked it. Fionn didn’t know if she was asking if he wondered about getting out of here as he was now — passive, broken in more ways than one with a diablerie that could trigger at any time — or if she expected him to have fantasised about being elsewhere and changed — like if Moore helped them.

“I’ve… thought about being being elsewhere. I’ve dreamed about it but… less so now. If I was- If we could be fixed somehow or… could harness whatever it is that we are — whatever makes us different from the galdori — then I don’t know if I’d belong. Out there,” he admitted, each word slow and cautious, not a lie but evidently not everything that he was thinking. He licked his lips, a humourless smile stretching them.

“Even if I couldn’t control it and I got out, even knowing that my diablerie doesn’t—probably doesn’t—kill, I don’t know that I’d want- There’s no place for me. This is home to me now, maybe more of a home these days than… where I was before. Maybe more of the same,” the boy admitted sadly.

He sighed, a hand finding its way to his hair in his agitation, ruffling it into a serious state of dishevelment.

“When Keyes brought me out to see the dancing, I wanted to come back. I… I-I-I wanted to go home and I couldn’t- He wanted to get out of here, he hated it here so how could I tell him that I-I-I went outside and I preferred to come back to this hellhole?” he asked, voice cracking, tears rising up to choke him. A sound between a sob and a whimper escaped him.

“I couldn’t tell him so I-I-I avoided him instead a-a-and then there were more reasons to k-k-keep my distance and so I didn’t- I couldn’t- And now he’s gone!”

It came out as a wail, his hand dragged down his face and back up to run through his hair, trailing tears with his fingertips. A fist returned to his mouth, the side of his knuckles pressed hard against it to stifle the keening that wanted to burst out of him. He couldn’t apologise, even though he wanted to, unable to speak without the risk of howling. In spite of his efforts, his sister had heard his voice rise, had heard the pain in his cracking voice and it brought her to the laboratory door. Fionn was beyond the ability to spot her, the gap between the door and its frame widening enough to reveal more than half of the galdor’s freckled face but Aurelie might see her — if she was quick.

Niamh’s hazel gaze took in the scene, her brother’s suffering and remained still for a few moments before closing the door over again, shutting it completely this time as quietly as possible.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Trusted. The word stuck with her, rang out. Yes, she did—though, wasn't that a funny thing to not have realized? She'd said it even, that she trusted him, and she did. Maybe it was easier because she didn't know him well that it was easier. Maybe she was just exhausted from not trusting anyone, and he made it easy for her to want to. It just wasn't until he said it that it became plain the degree to which it was true. Trust.

Did he trust her too, at least a little? She thought that might be so. The idea warmed her, almost as much as the feeling of his hands on her back. Aurelie had never considered herself a very tactile person, really. Normally the idea of touching another person even frightened her on some gut level—it was just too much intimacy for her to bear. Aurelie chose to believe that there was something about Fionn that just made it seem... easier. Natural, even. It was nice. Better than stumbling over words too awkwardly said, it felt like. The two things together brought a little peace

Aurelie's question had been poorly put, she knew. It was just so difficult to ask what she wanted to ask. Of course he'd thought about not being trapped here, in Brunnhold—hadn't they all? At least once? Even she thought about it. More and more lately, she thought about it, before Lilliana had come to see her. It was one thing to think about, and another to... really think about it. Aurelie bit her lip and wondered if she should clarify—but no, he was answering her already. Not so unclear then.

And what an answer! Aurelie could have laughed, if it wasn't so sad. The young woman had wanted to know if she could confess what felt like a betrayal to her sister and to everything she thought she should want and be understood. Not even agreed with, just understood. Here to find they were of a mind on this, as well. What a pathetic, pitiable thing it was. Aurelie was sorry to hear it, even if it was the answer that she'd been hoping for, in a way. Being this way didn't bring her any peace or even really make anything easier to bear. She couldn't imagine as it made him feel any better than she did.

"There's no place for me." Aurelie might as well have said it herself. No place for any of them but here, it seemed. Aurelie made a quiet hum of understanding. She knew she should follow up the thought, but she wasn't ready to. And she wasn't sure if he really wanted to hear this part, anyway.

She kept her eyes on him as he ran his hand through his hair, growing more agitated as he spoke. Her own misery felt easier to deal with, now; she even had a little spare heart to think that she thought it was unfair how charming he looked, a mess like this, though she wasn't happy to see him so upset. Good thing too, because it meant she could shift her attention from her own feelings to his, something she had meant to be doing all along.

Aurelie watched his face and she listened, her brows creasing in concern at the crack in his voice. Aurelie didn't have to ask to know who "he" was, given everything. It seemed fairly obvious, moreso as his voice rose into a wail that broke her heart. Aurelie cast her glance to the door to the lab, sure Niamh had heard and wondering if she should move away. No matter how distraught her brother was, Niamh didn't seem entirely pleased by even the light contact between the passives earlier. Sure enough, there she was, half a watchful eye in the doorway. Aurelie tried to catch her eye, to beg her not to... to say anything that would make her let go. She didn't think it would help, but if Niamh came back into the room Aurelie wouldn't be able to stop herself from drawing back.

Instead Niamh just closed the door again, quietly. Completely this time, no watchful crack at all. Aurelie had to wonder at what that meant. Not now—later.

Now she turned her attention to Fionn again, fully. Truthfully, she was unsure of what she could do here. She had no good news to bring, and she didn't know the man in question. A lie about false confidence that everything had to be fine would fall flat. Everything couldn't be fine, that was obvious. Had been obvious before. Aurelie simply couldn't imagine Fionn holding someone in such high regard who didn't value him similarly. People didn't vanish without saying anything to people that were important to them, if they could help it. If everything was fine, well, then she would be furious. Angry with someone she'd never met. She just didn't think that was the case.

Last time she had seen him cry he had pushed her off. She'd understood then, but wasn't sure she could handle it now. The whole atmosphere was different now though, wasn’t it? Not an accidental stumbling from a stranger, so maybe… maybe this time it would be different. Aurelie herself didn’t carry a handkerchief, despite her gift, so she settled for reaching up and tracing a thumb across his cheek. Her locket was dropped, the hand that held it coming to cover the fist he held in front of his mouth. The other she lifted to his shoulder.

”Fionn…” Aurelie said his name softly, hesitantly. ”I— Do you— Is there…” Her voice trailed off again into silence. What could she possibly do to help here? All she had to offer was her ear, her shoulder, and her own burgeoning affection. They were all his, if he wanted them.