[Closed] A Little Blurry

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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The grief rose up within him, filling him up, so much of it that it seemed to spread to every inch of him down to fingertips and toes, every part of him aching as if his soul, his heart, his essence was spread throughout his body like his blood vessels or his useless ley lines. He felt so weak that Fionn thought he might float away, come untethered as trembling lightness seized his form. The sorrow within him provoked a mass of contradictions. There was so much of him that he was damn well near smothered by it, so large that it could hardly be contained within the confines of his skin and yet somehow it had been possible to wrap it up small and tuck it away so that it didn’t overwhelm him. So heavy that it had weakened him and somehow made him feel light, insubstantial. None of it made sense. Nothing made sense anymore and it was a mystery when—if ever—things would start to make sense again. Fionn was taller and broader than his companion, obviously larger but he felt small beside her now and as if he was shrinking more and more by the moment.

If she hadn’t moved her hands, he likely would have dislodged them soon enough as he curled in on himself, legs drawing up, turning slightly so that he could drag his knees to his chest without driving a wedge between the pair. One arm hugged his legs to him, the other still had its fist occupied with holding his mouth shut, Aurelie’s hand placed lightly on top of it. He scrunched up, whimpering and making muffled hiccuping sounds as tears streamed down his cheeks and his nose began to run. The handkerchief couldn’t have gone far, either lost somewhere between them or having slithered onto the floor but he didn’t have the presence of mind to hunt for it. Instead, he tilted, practically falling towards the passive woman who tried to reach out to him in his despair. He sought to set his head down on her, mindless and driven by instinct as a child sought their mother to hold and comfort them when they were wounded, whether physically or emotionally. If she didn’t try to shove him off then he’d more than likely settle against her shoulder although his messy blond hair could easily be guided to her breast or into her lap if she were so inclined. Once he found somewhere to rest his head, he’d begin to bawl in earnest.

His body was rocked with his grief, while form shaking and shuddering as the pain poured out of him. It wasn’t as if his was the first time he’d cried — far from it — but there always seemed to be more tears, a bottomless well of them, more always managing to rise up from some hidden depths even when he should have been cried out, when there should have been no more tears to sob. Yet most of them had been spent while he was alone, a terrible lonely sorrow that only he could experience. Niamh had tried but even when he’d cried in her arms, it hadn’t been enough and he’d inevitably shoved her away, unable to find the comfort in her that he needed. They’d been close in their youth, he’d been like a mother to him when his own had distanced herself from him but the intervening years had marred that so that her touch always felt a little alien, no doubt aided by the strength, size and order of her field. When he was choked by mourning, the last thing he needed was the living vibrancy of the mona to smother him.

The young man cried for what felt like an eternity but was probably only minutes, his face growing tight as the salt worked its mischief on his skin, making it grow blotchy and puffy. His eyes ached and stung, wanting to squint them shut against the light in the room but it did nothing to stem the tears that spilled out from under the lids — not that he could keep them closed for long. When it began to recede like the tide going out — and sure to return — he was reduced to sniffling, finding that he’d unfurled a little, left in a looser foetal position as he’d stopped clasping his knees and had instead done his best to hug Aurelie around the waist. As the waves of pain diminished and the ability to think returned to him, the teenager was left feeling self-conscious and embarrassed, frightened to see wet patches on her uniform from when he’d unthinkingly sought support in her embrace. He made an attempt to mumble an apology but the syllables came out too wet and incoherent so he was left to sniffle some more, wiping at his face, aware that he was more than a little disgusting right now.

“I’m sorry. Y-Y-You didn’t need this,” he managed, trusting his voice at last, although it was still quite thick. Despite his apology, he felt reluctance to move, weary but peaceful where he was. “Some conversationalist I am, worth sod all,” he joked weakly, a faint chuckle escaping him.

The youth fell silent for a few moments, quietly assessing how he felt now. Fionn felt drained, a bit tremulous although now his limbs felt heavy instead of light. Strangely enough, the young man thought that he’d be able to sleep now if he allowed himself, crying having taken a great deal out of the boy.

“I feel better though. Thank you, Aura,” he admitted finally, a faint smile on his lips. He sighed, well aware that he needed to move. It wasn’t like Aurelie wanted him soaking her forever. He might not be sobbing anymore but the flow of tears hadn’t stopped entirely and his nose... gods, he needed to stop being so disgusting, he was as bad as a child.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Fionn was bigger than her in every way, but here and now he seemed small. Like if he folded himself up small enough there would be less space to pour grief into. It hurt her to look at him so diminished. As he collapsed onto her, Aurelie shuffled slightly to let him. Had the door still been open the crack it had been, she would have let him fall to her shoulder. Niamh had closed it, though, which made her feel more bold than she might have otherwise. While it was certainly less appropriate than her shoulder might have been, Aurelie couldn't help but feel that it was an uncomfortable place to rest one's head, sharp as it was compared to the rest of her. So she shuffled to give him her lap instead--there was certainly more of it. She would think about the impropriety of it later. One thing at a time. Her feet tucked up onto the furniture at last, her hesitation at putting her shoes on the upholstery forgotten for the time being. She wanted to be stable, solid. Comforting, or, barring that, comfortable.

Aurelie's heart was crushed to see Fionn this way. For lack of any better ideas, she settled for making soft noises she hoped were soothing somewhere between a hush and a hum. The hand nearer his body moved to make light circles on his upper back, slow and deliberate; the other moved through his hair in much the same way. Something had better have gone very wrong indeed or Aurelie didn't know if she would ever forgive him, this man she didn't know and would likely never meet. Love could wound so mortally, and that was obviously what this was. What kind, she didn't know and would never have the courage to ask. But some kind. Aurelie found herself crying a little more too, though they didn't feel like tears of her own and they were quiet enough she ignored them.

After a while he quieted a little, same as she had. Aurelie had no doubt that it was a pause, not an ending. A body could only cry so much at once. She didn't move, though she looked around for the handkerchief. It was blessedly still in her reach, so she leaned a little to pick it up with the hand that had been at his back while trying not to dislodge Fionn or jostle him too much. His arms came to settle around her waist awkwardly. His weight on her felt good, fitting. The young woman couldn't have said how or why, but it was just as much a comfort to her to have him there as it was an opportunity for her to provide the same. She had thought it before; solid and alive.

"You don't have to apologize," she assured him when he found his voice. He was a mess, to be sure, but she didn't mind. As long as he needed her, she wanted to be there. In whatever capacity she could provide. Aurelie held the handkerchief in front of his face, a silent offer. Perhaps she could have done something for him, but despite having his head in her lap she still felt a little shy of being so presumptuous. Contradictory. "Besides, I can make enough awkward conversation for the both of us."

That he felt well enough to make a joke relieved her immensely. She had been worried, for a moment, that he had been wounded beyond repair. Maybe it was still true, but she was reassured it may not be. Affection surged up in her, the strength of it surprising her. Oh, she was in very deep now, wasn't she? Aurelie wondered if she should be worried. The more attached she got, the more it was going to hurt when she was let go of. A future problem for a future her; it wasn't like she could do anything about it anyway, even if she wanted to.

"Y-you're welcome," she stammered back when he thanked her. Somehow it was this that made heat rise to her face, not his body curled around her. The motions of her hand finally stilled, though she left her hand tangled in the locks of his hair. He probably wanted to get up, and she would let him if he did. But she was loathe to suggest it herself. If Niamh opened the door--but Aurelie didn't think she would. She had closed it, hadn't she? Aurelie had to trust that meant something. The redhead wasn't sure what, but something. For now Aurelie was content to have the weight and the warmth of him against her as long as he wanted to stay where he was.

"You know," she murmured, "when I said I couldn't promise the same highs and lows every time you saw me, I didn't really think I meant 'all lows'." The joke was thin, but she smiled down at him. Whether or not he had taken the handkerchief from her already, she would move that hand to settle on his shoulder. Aurelie felt worn-out, but in a softer way than she had before. She was so used to feeling all her sorrows alone--and joys, too, for that matter.

"...You don't have to get up, er, if you don't want to. I, ah, don't mind. Uhm--N-Niamh, ah, closed the door." Now that both of their sobbing had quieted, some of her natural nervousness had returned to her. Just a little spark of life.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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Now that the boy’s wits had returned to him, he was aware that he had his head nestled in the servant’s lap. It was a comfortable position, he wouldn’t deny that, especially with Aura’s hand in his hair, but it looked rather improper. However, he could see the door to the lab, which was now firmly shut so he knew that his sister couldn’t be peeking at them and he’d have at least a few seconds warning before she entered. The same was true for anyone entering this little reception area from the hallway.

She dangled the handkerchief before him and he accepted it gratefully, wiping at his face but well aware that he’d have to sit up to blow his nose so he couldn’t linger in her lap forever as much as he might like to do so. He was also reluctant to do so because well…

Honestly, it was rather stupid and hardly an appropriate thing to be concerned about right now but he wasn’t keen to sit up and let her see the state of his face. It wouldn’t improve any time soon — red and puffy skin — but he’d still prefer to put it off for as long as possible. The youth had reason enough to feel self-conscious and when he sat up, he thought he’d have a harder time talking. He should probably go and splash water on his face before the salt set in properly or he’d carry the hallmarks of having cried for many houses. The teenager felt too weary to move though and would rather pretend that he never had to move again.

“I’ve sobbed all over you, of course I have to apologise,” he explained, moving his head in an almost nuzzling manner. “Conversation goes both ways, you know so really you need me to stick my foot in my mouth to make it truly awkward,” he countered dryly, finding that he’d found a strange sort of humour on the other side of his misery. He wasn’t sure that his sense of humour came across well right not but then again, most people failed to understand it fully at the best of times. He’d muddle along, taking what enjoyment he could for the time being, no matter how strange it might be.

Even so, when she made a joke about highs and lows, he found his fist returning to his mouth for a different reason and in spite of it there to stifle it, a giggle still managed to escape him. Definitely a giggle. He couldn’t help himself. He’d just thought of something so ridiculous that he was laughing at it before he even had the chance to make his joke, wholly inappropriate and ill-timed thought it might be. The laughter didn’t help his nose situation though, the blond spluttering and choking a bit as he continued to lie sideways. He made himself sit up, coughing and spluttering before he blew his nose and managed to resume giggling.

“If you want me to add a high… so it’s not all lows… I could snog you… and Niamh… something to purse her lips about,” he managed in between sniggers before descending into proper laughter, bent over with his face practically buried against his knees. After the crying he’d done, he ran out of breath fairly quickly and sat up again, leaning his head against the back cushion. The giddiness that had temporarily taken hold of him had faded fast and now he had another reason to have his face redden. It grew hotter still, his self-consciousness ramping up when he tilted his head and found the fresh wet stains on her apron catching his eye. The light blue had darkened in patches where his tears had fallen. And other things.

I uh… not that I mean that because uh…. Well, it isn’t the time to be… you know. Not that I wouldn’t but… not now and erm… you wouldn’t- I’m sorry for your uh…” he waved a hand in a circular motion above her lap to indicate the stains, the other trailing nervous fingers over the back of his neck. It was funny seeing those tearstains, the sight driving home that he’d been lying in her lap. A fool that’s what he was, a total fool.

He laughed awkwardly.

“See? Foot in mouth. Niamh’s better off having shut that door so she doesn’t have to hear just how much we mortify ourselves. I think I’m uh… I’m worse though. I say the- the- the damnedest things,” Fionn pointed out, scrubbing a hand across his face.

“Here, I should go wash my face before- Oh, what-!”

He’d gone to get up, intending to go hide in the bathroom until he understood how to be a functional person but had heard the delicate slither of a metal chain. He shifted position, rooting around until his fingers closed around warmed metal. The teenager drew it out: Aurelie’s locket. He untangled the chain, finding the clasp ends and moving to hook it around her neck.

“You don’t want to lose this,” Fionn murmured, reddened eyes seeking hers a little shyly. If she’d let him then he’d work to close the chain, a hand moving to straighten the locket and then — unthinkingly — he found himself tucking it down into her uniform via the neck, watching himself as if from a distance. Worse, his hand patted in the region of her breastbone, palm flat and he was suddenly horribly aware that his hand took up a fair bit of area — far too much area given where it was. When he realised what he’d done, the passive held it against her chest for one shame-filled moment before jerking it back as if he’d been burned, the reaction unfortunately delayed.

“S-S-Sorry, I wasn’t trying to- Sorry!”

He thought he could die right at this moment; part of him might have done that already. He could only stare at her with wide, shocked eyes, anticipating… a slap, a gasp, a scolding, something!

It was a very good thing that his sister hadn’t been here to witness this. It was bad enough that he'd had to witness it himself.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

"You can sob on me any time you want" was, she thought, not an appropriate response. On multiple levels, in fact, as both the "sobbing" and the "on me" parts were equally and distinctly not something she should say. For once, Aurelie managed to keep her mouth shut. Possibly owing to the fact that now that she didn't have a great cloud of misery shutting out everything around her, she was very conscious of the fact that she had somehow thought it was in any way a good idea to put Fionn's head on her lap. And also that he was very nearly nuzzling against her. That was sufficiently distracting.

Aurelie wouldn't have said her joke was that funny, but they were both quite tired. Being abjectly miserable took a lot of energy. While she had said he didn't have to get up and she meant it, she was a little worried he would choke to death on his own laughter if he didn't sit up. He did look a mess, really. Probably should at least splash some water on his face. Aurelie thought it best not to mention this to him. Besides, then he would have to leave and she would as well and despite circumstances she really would rather be in his company than not and--

"Uhm!" Aurelie turned red, torn between a desire to swat at him or just agree. She ended up doing neither, and laughed a little herself. She didn't double over the way he did, but she did laugh for what felt like the first time in years. He was joking--at least she was fairly certain, given the laughing and the generally inappropriate timing. Still. Freed from the confines of thinking about her family, her mind did like to wander.

"A m-matter of teamwork, I think," Aurelie agreed. It really was best that Niamh wasn't around to hear this. Aurelie wished she herself wasn't around to hear most of the things she said, and it was objectively worse with Fionn present. So good that the student had left, for all sorts of reasons.

Aurelie had almost forgotten she had dropped her locket when Fionn picked it up. When had she--? Oh. That's right, she'd let it fall when she'd reached out to him, before. Aurelie would likely have left it here in the lab if he hadn't found it. She had expected him to just hand it back to her for her to put back on herself, and almost held her hand out for him to do so. Instead he moved to hook it around her neck for her. Aurelie let him, more than a little shy herself. It seemed a sort of harmless indulgence.

Initially.

Aurelie wasn't quite certain what line of logic led to this particular point in time where Fionn had his palm flattened against her chest. Well, more specifically, against her-- her-- Mortification flooded her. She was, she knew, very tired, having not slept well in days and her energy drained by crying. It made it more difficult than usual to think straight, which is why the first thing that came out of her mouth was not a gasp or an admonishment, but something more absurd: an apology.

"I'm sorry!" What? Why was she the one apologizing? She hadn't actually done anything here. Perhaps she should jump out the window, that would be better. He'd left his hand there for an awfully long time for an accident, though she couldn't imagine how it could be anything else. The apology was strange thought, she knew. She should probably say something else. More sensible.

"Wait--No, I'm not sorry, er. I mean, that it is, it's fine-- No, not f-fine. Er. I feel like one should generally ask permission before... Uh. Not that I wouldn't give-- er. I mean this isn't really the time or circumstance-- Is there a time or circumstance...? I really, really should stop talking. And I am going to. Right this instant. Yes. Oh look at that I haven't even touched my tea!" Aurelie reached out to her now very cold tea and attempted to take a sip of it to distract from her own embarrassment. In her haste, she managed to not drink it but rather to breathe it in, and accordingly nearly choked on it. There was a moment of coughing and spluttering where she really feared that this was how she would die: killed by her own wild awkwardness. That, she thought, might be something of a relief.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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The boy was a mass of confused emotions. He had no notion of what he felt right now, too many things burning within him for him to be able to decipher. He still felt raw from his crying session and now his proximity to her and his foolish, unthinking behaviour had sent adrenaline coursing through him. Weary, weakened limbs were now buzzing with a giddiness that made them want to dance and jerk, the energy not being channelled properly. He didn’t know what to do with himself. Fionn didn’t even know if he was purely mortified or if he had gotten a little excitable for other reasons.

He couldn’t believe that he’d patted her chest, couldn’t believe that he’d let his hand linger there so casually! It was embarrassing how slow the realisation had dawned on him, the textures beneath his hand having caused some puzzlement. The young man had actually had to take a moment to register the soft swell beneath palm and spread fingers and understand what it was because it wasn’t as if he’d ever touched a woman’s breast before. Obviously, he was apologetic and abashed for having done it, especially as it hadn’t been intentional — he hadn’t been trying to cop a feel — but he also couldn’t deny that once he’d jerked his hand back following his realisation, it triggered something in him. He had a new reason to be flustered, a new cause for his reddening cheeks and a curiosity about what he had felt as well.

Sweet Lady, don’t be such a pervert, he chided himself, resisting the urge to fan himself because he knew that it wasn’t the room temperature that had suddenly shot up but his own.

And she was apologising! Why the fuck was she saying sorry? She hadn’t done anything wrong; she was the victim here.

“D-D-Don’t apologise, you didn’t- It was me who- I’m so sorry,” he groaned, hand pressed to his blushing face, fingers spread so that he could still observe her between them.

You’re not sorry, you’re pleased with yourself, the inner voice nagged, almost making the youth groan aloud, telling himself that he was nowhere near as sordid as the darker corners of his mind would like him to believe. It was just- He was just- The blond was just trying to make himself feel worse about his mistake — that was all!

She’d been right about their awkward interactions being a matter of teamwork because clocking hell, he might have put his foot in it but Aurelie was quick to return with her own contribution to the clusterfuck that Fionn had started.

The teenager hadn’t expected to grow more embarrassed — he hadn’t thought it possible — but boy did the passive woman prove him wrong!

He found himself unable to look away from the redhead, brown eyes fixed on her as he watched her take her own dive off the ledge of sanity. He wasn’t capable of making anything like a sensible reply, even while she was talking, so all he could manage was a gurgling, stuttering sound, his hand balling into a fist that slid down to cover his mouth.

Permission! Not that she wouldn’t give-

In Alioe’s Name! The servant wasn’t able for this right now, not when curiosity was burning within him. Worse, by phrasing it the way she had, she made it sound as if she wouldn’t have issue giving it and it was a good thing that he didn’t have true control of his tongue because he had the unfortunate impulse to ask for permission. Actually, he had to fight the urge to reach out and ask silently with just his eyes. He couldn’t believe that he even thought it at a time like this but no, this definitely wasn’t the appropriate situation for such things.

She finished her awkward speech, diving at her tea and the youth could only manage a ‘mmm’ sound before shuffling sideways, putting some distance between them before risking dropping his fist. He also went for the tea, trying to buy time to collect himself a bit but having to set it down almost immediately as concern overrode all else. The passive started to slap her on the back, determining that this would help expel any liquid that she’d inhaled. Fionn opened his mouth to say something clever, witty, anything that would break the tension but only managed to go ‘uh’ in a long ululating syllable, going up and down in pitch as it continued as he panicked a bit. He’d forgotten how to do the talking thing and that certainly wasn’t helping matters. While he failed to converse, his sister chose that moment to throw open the door from the lab, evidently drawn by the sound of Aura’s coughing and spluttering.

“Are you all right?” she questioned, brows creased in concern. Her eyes darted between the pair of passives, her gaze lingering on his face for a moment — no doubt noticing the blotchiness of his cheeks and his bloodshot eyes — before focusing on Aurelie.

“Fine! Everything’s fine, I uh- I think she’s- I’m going to wash my face!” he announced far too loudly, basically roared it before rocketing to his feet and practically launching himself into the small washroom that adjoined the space that they were currently in. The door slammed behind him and he buried his face in his hands.

He thought that he’d handled that pretty well. He’d handled it really good. His sister probably thought that he’d lost his mind and that he had a guilty conscience, which he certainly did. And he’d thought that Aurelie had been conspicuous about guilty, hell, he’d teased her about it.

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

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It was incredibly difficult for her to walk into the laboratory proper and close the door over as much as she did. She didn’t close it all the way — gods, she couldn’t keep them entirely unsupervised — but she closed it over enough that it wouldn’t feel as if she was being intrusive. Or as if she was in the lab on a pretense. She was definitely in here on a pretense and was doing her best not to pace back and forth because she had nothing to do. Unfortunately, she had to find something to do or else she was going to end up trying to eavesdrop and she absolutely wasn’t going to do that.

So she rattled around in the drawers of the desk that Harper worked at and shuffled papers, humming softly to herself so that she wouldn’t have to inadvertently overhear anything. The young woman found herself chewing on her fingernails, trying not to imagine what might be going on in the next room and also attempting not to overthink what she’d done.

Her brother had been deeply upset so Niamh had brought Aurelie to see him. She hadn’t realised that the servant girl was upset until she’d already fetched her from the kitchens and even those she was obviously dealing with some upsets of her own, whatever was going on with Aurelie had brought Fionn out of his shell. He was a tender-hearted boy and if caring for someone else was what he needed to do, then she had to let him do it. Also the girl needed to deal with things too so who was the galdor to be an interloper in their midst? The diminutive redhead wouldn’t be able to share with the student there being all- all- all stick-in-the-mud! No doubt, there’d be some touching, some hugging, some crying, an exchange of emotions that were best shared between people who were familiar with each other. If Niamh was there then she’d just be sitting and looking as well as being accidentally judgmental, which would be awkward and wouldn’t heal anything.

She just prayed that no one would arrive to catch the pair embracing while the person who should have been responsible for them gave them a free pass to do whatever.

When she heard the howl from the other room, she’d crossed the lab without even thinking it through, the young woman finding her hand on the door handle to go check on the situation. The gap between door and frame broadened so that the young woman could peer through at the pair. Her brain had caught up on her instinctual response so that she paused to take in the scene — her brother beginning to sob, Aurelie reaching out to comfort him — and realised that this wasn’t her place, even before the girl caught her eye.

With a sigh, she shut the door between them, trying to do it as quietly as possible so that they wouldn’t be disturbed and went back to… honestly doing nothing. The young woman was basically left twiddling her thumbs, growing more and more anxious by the minute because she was worried about her brother. He’d cried on his sister a few nights before when he showed up at the lab but it had stopped soon enough and he hadn’t seen the teenager cry since. He’d needed to let it out and while she hadn’t seen him crying, she guessed that he hadn’t been dry-eyed over the last few days — unless they were bloodshot from poor sleep. Her brother just hadn’t cried on her since then and she’d guessed that it was because well… there was still awkwardness between them and obviously she hadn’t been what he needed.

The young woman couldn’t stop herself from pacing this time though, keeping her field dampened so that they wouldn’t feel her on those occasions when she drew near the door and leaned close to the wood to see if she could hear anything significant through it — not that she knew what she was listening for. Once more, Niamh experienced a spike of envy at what Aura could produce in her brother, how she could unlock the softer side of him without all the awkwardness or the sense of being held at arm’s length. Of course, the girl had a rather different relationship with the middle Madden than the Living Conversationalist did and held rather a different place in his heart as well; she felt certain that there were feelings between them all right.

She could hear murmuring through the door and at one point, something that sounded like laughter. That brought a smile to her lips because it was good to hear — better than sobs! Even so, she walked away from the door considering how to interrupt them. If they were laughing then it was possibly a good moment to return to them, although more than likely they’d fall silent when she entered — the outsider. It was simply a matter of coming up with a suitable noise to make, some way of announcing her return before she opened the door. Just in case. If they were doing… something — not that she imagined either would be in the humour — then she wanted to at least give them a chance to appear proper.

And then the spluttering bagan.

Once she heard the choking, the galdor crossed the few steps to the door and pulled it open, instantly identifying Aurelie as the cougher and seeing her brother slapping the kitchen maid on the back. When she asked if she was okay, Fionn stared at her as if… gods, there was such horror in his eyes at the sight of her. Niamh took in the blotchiness of his cheeks — no glint of tears in his eyes now — and then focused on the girl again.

And then her brother basically screamed and got up as if his erse was on fire, disappearing into the washroom like a rat up a drainpipe.


“I… Okay then,” she told the closed door, staring at it as if the slam had been a slap to the face. Lips pressed together and brow pinched in confusion. “Did I- Did I choose a bad moment?” she asked softly, moving to take his seat. She perched delicately on the edge, nervously tucking hair behind her ear.

It was hard to tell whether the girl had been crying or not, the choking fit sure to have brought tears to her eyes after all but she had been upset as well so it was a possibility. She reached out a tentative hand to touch the other’s shoulder.

“Are you all right?” she asked kindly, gazing at her with a concerned interest that went beyond the coughing fit.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

As Aurelie choked on her tea, she contemplated the possibility of divine intervention to strike her down where she was. This wasn't the first time she had thought this, in Fionn's presence especially. She had the sinking feeling it would not be the last, either. Just once she would rather have liked to have carried on a conversation without treating it like some kind of competition to see who could take most leave of their sanity. Permission! She had actually said--what did she even think she meant by that? No, she knew what she meant, she just hadn't meant to ever say it. Blessed Lady, Aurelie was truly finding new and different ways to embarrass herself.

Of course, of course it was her choking and spluttering that brought Niamh in from the other room at long last. At least she hadn't come while Fionn's head was still on her lap, so that was something. She nodded to confirm she was fine, not trusting herself to say anything. Knowing her and her fool mouth, she would end up spluttering something inappropriate from the running commentary at the back of her mind. Something that would make Niamh think they'd gotten up to something worthy of her disapproval. As if she needed to add to the list of reasons Fionn's sister might think her a very different type of girl than she really was! Which would be tremendously unfair, as she hadn't even had much chance to--

No! Not "chance", that really implied she-- Actually, was she so different a type? Aurelie's mind summoned with perfect clarity a memory of her making distinct implications about the utility of a certain garden corner. If she weren't already perfectly scarlet, she would have become so in short order. Perhaps it could be attributed to her coughing fit. Aurelie knew she'd lived a relatively sheltered existence in this specific arena, but she was rather disappointed in herself for not being able to maintain at least some degree of dignity. It was if her sense and mouth were disconnected from each other entirely.

Fionn made a rather swift exit, and Aurelie found herself jealous. Jealous and slightly betrayed--how dare he leave her alone with Niamh and her own big mouth! Hadn't this lesson been learned already? Aurelie set her cup carefully down, afraid to take another sip lest she choke again. Though she did her best to not fidget, it really was quite difficult. She was all kinds of mixed up, and so very, very tired. This was quite unfair--she had no washroom to hide in and no better ideas on how to make this less terrible. Silence might be golden here. Awkward, awkward silence. Aurelie cast a desperate glance to the washroom door, willing Fionn to come back before she made it all much, much worse.

Except then Niamh reached out and touched Aurelie's shoulder. What was she supposed to do, just sit there deaf and dumb until Fionn came back like Niamh didn't exist? For pity's sake, Niamh was being kind! Aurelie didn't need to be rude and an idiot. One or the other was quite enough.

"N-no, not a bad moment at all! Everything is, er, fine. Ahem. Yes. Hmm." The first part had come out rather squeaky, hadn't it. Oh chimes. Aurelie hadn't quite looked at Niamh yet, a little afraid of what she might see. She did now, risking meeting Niamh's eyes with her own. All she saw was kindness and concern--which was sweet, really. Aurelie relaxed just a fraction and attempted a smile. Partial success.

"I'm--yes. I'm alright now, I think." This she said more sincerely, if a little shy. If she didn't know quite how to proceed when talking the brother, conversation with the sister was even stranger waters again. At least there was a degree of shared social standing between her and Fionn; rules she understood how she was breaking. With Niamh she was even less sure.

"T-thank you, for... before. Uhm. I hope I... I hope I helped. I don't know." Sincerity seemed the best path forward, after all. And Aurelie was truly grateful for Niamh's consideration. The student didn't have to do what she did, by all rights should not have. Aurelie wasn't sure if she had been much good to Fionn, but she had certainly needed it. Perhaps had needed it for a long time. "S-sorry, er, if you were--uncomfortable. I wasn't--I wouldn't, ah... Yes. Thank you."

"...W-would you mind if I asked you a, er, a delicate question? You don't have to answer of course I wouldn't--I just... I'm... I'm not sure who else to ask. Er." Without Fionn there to distract her, the scab of her sister's visit came to her mind again. She still wasn't sure if she wanted the answer to her question, or if Niamh could even give it. But she couldn't help but pick at it. Awkwardness stole over her again, and the servant girl looked away from Niamh and back down to a spot on her apron. She picked at it absently, tense and unsure.

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

There was a definite embarrassment in the air and she didn’t need the benefit of an emotion-laden field to tell that. It was why her brother had bolted in panic and why Aurelie seemed nervous, especially when she asked if it was a bad moment. She tried to put on an acceptable face but the young woman couldn’t hide her awkward embarrassment as she provided an answer. It wasn’t necessarily a bad moment but Niamh suspected that she had entered at an inopportune one.

“I- Forget I asked, it’s fine,” she told the passive, smiling uncertainly. A daft thing to say, the girl forgetting her question as likely as Niamh’s ability to take the words back — impossible. Sheepish and apologetic, she knew that she’d misspoken and she’d only succeeded in embarrassing them both, spots of colour in the galdor’s cheeks attesting to her own mortification.

Her hands settled in her lap, the young woman gazing into it in an attempt to diminish the awkwardness. She’d meant well by sitting here and striking up a conversation but she hadn’t really thought things through beforehand. There were many emotions here but also things that were hidden, things she’d chosen to exclude herself from and for good reason. The whole point had been to avoid knowledge that might make her more uncomfortable — what she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her — but here she was trying to open it all up. Unintentionally, of course because she was only trying to glean a few things but she was working blind here so it was all too easy to place them both in uncomfortable territory.

Niamh wished that her brother hadn’t done a runner because he would have been able to handle this situation, managing to make some light remark or skip smoothly over things when his older sibling would make a total erse of herself as she was doing right now. He really must have been flustered to make a hasty exit like that rather than simply mouthing off. He really had looked guilty though…

No way she was going to dwell on it and allow her imagination to run wild. At least, that’s what she was telling herself.

When Aurelie started thanking her, she had a moment to wonder if she meant her retreat into the lab or the fact that she’d left them be while Fionn was crying. However, once she mentioned ‘help’, it seemed clear that it was the latter. There were plenty of things she could have said to that, the student could even have poured out her heart about how she would never have been able to fulfil the need that her sibling had. It was funny really when she thought about it. She’d long been a maternal presence for the boy and she did associate the sort of comfort he’d needed — soul-deep — to be the sort that was maternal in nature. It was funny that a girl who had feelings for, an infatuation, should provide him with that rather than the young woman who was his relative and had always been like his mother.

There was no need to say all of that though. There was no need to talk about Lars and the effect that he’d had on the damaged passive either; the effect spoke for itself really. Instead she raised her head for a moment, offering a warm, genuine smile as she gave thanks of her own.

“No, thank you!” she murmured, careful not to speak too loudly in case the blond had chosen eavesdrop, merely hiding his face behind the washroom door. “He’s been so… wrong and well… I thought I heard him laughing. He hasn’t had reason to laugh over the past few days so I… I think it helped. And I’m grateful.”

Her hazel eyes returned to the hands folded in her lap, biting her lip gently and rolling it back and forth beneath her teeth.

Uncomfortable, yes. Maybe they weren’t talking about when she’d stepped back and completely closed the lab door after all. Maybe Aurelie had also meant before when the two of them had gotten cosy and touchy, forcing Niamh to be an awkward spectator to the whole affair.

“It’s all right. I don’t mind. No, I do! I mean… it was necessary that- It’s okay,” the young woman explained, wincing as she tripped over her own tongue. What was she saying? She didn’t even know what she was saying okay to or calling necessary, not really. The Living Conversationalist had no idea if they were on the same page at all. Hopefully, the girl could work it out. Hopefully, she could determine precisely what Niamh was on about and if she succeeded then she was doing better than the student herself.

A delicate question though… that made her nervous. Her mind raced with all manner of possibilities of what it could be and every one of them ended in awkwardness. Needless to say, there was more than a little dread on her part as she nodded.

She cleared her throat. “Yes, you can ask and I, well, I-I-I’ll try to answer? I can’t really make any guarantees because it depends what it is and uh… Well, if you can’t ask anyone else then… it might as well be me, right?”

Her mind was trying to tell her that it was something sex-related and she was doing her utmost to shoot down those suspicions, most of all because she didn’t want her brother’s accusations about her to prove true — the ones about her being sex-obsessed. Not everything had to be about sex but maybe in this instance it was logical given that she didn’t know who else to ask and it was delicate so-

Stop thinking that it’s about sex. It isn’t, it can’t be! she told herself.

It couldn’t be about sex, it couldn’t be. If it was then it would also be about her brother and rules about passives and just no!

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Aurelie shook her head when Niamh thanked her--she didn't really have anything to do with it, she was fairly certain. What had she done? Provided an ear, a poor joke, gave him her own burdens? And your lap, her mind helpfully reminded her. Even with that she didn't think as she'd done very much. Just been there. Was that worth so much? She couldn't imagine it was so. Not from her, especially.

"If--good. I'm not sure I had anything to do with it but--that's good." Aurelie plucked helplessly at her skirts, uncomfortable. She wasn't sure if she was clear--her fault, for saying things out of order. Her mind was a jumble, and her feelings too, and she just didn't know how to talk to Niamh. Even though she was fairly certain, looking at her, that they were close enough in age. If she had been born differently, she wondered, would they have been friends? ...Likely not. Aurelie couldn't imagine any version of herself as much of the friend-making type. Acquaintances, perhaps. Not more than that.

Aurelie had sought permission to ask her question, and she'd gotten it, but now that the moment was here she was at a loss for words. She just didn't know how to phrase what she wanted to say in a way that could be understood. Chimes, she wasn't even sure she could be understood, or answered. What she really wanted to know was what her own sister thought of her. Niamh was a poor substitute, to be sure. They were nothing alike, and Niamh was--Aurelie somehow couldn't imagine Ana participating in any research projects. Night and day, really. Aurelie tucked her hair behind her ear and frowned, trying to think of what to say.

"Forgive me, I'm not--er, that is, I don't really know what I'm trying to ask, necessarily. I..." She looked to the washroom door, trying to decide how long she had. For some reason she was loathe to ask the question in Fionn's presence--knowing they felt the same about Brunnhold and the world outside it somehow made it harder, not easier.

"What do you see, when you look at us? A-any of us?" She blurted the question out suddenly after a moment's pause. No--that wasn't what she wanted to know, not quite. Aurelie made a frustrated noise and shook her head. Why was it so difficult to just say what she wanted to? "That's not quite--What I mean is..." Aurelie sighed, slumped her shoulders. She didn't know how to say it.

"I'm sorry--nevermind. I think--hmm. I should... ask my own sister, I think. Sorry." Aurelie drew her whole body together, trying not to say anything else. To think of anything else. The only things in her mind were all equally objectionable, albeit for different reasons. She didn't want to think about her sister, she didn't want to think about how brazen she'd just been. She didn't want to think about anything at all. Oh, how long did it take to wash one's face? Her own was certainly blotchy enough, though she'd not cried quite as hard. Didn't have the knack of it, she supposed. If she was left alone any longer she would start babbling, and that wouldn't end well for anyone.

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

Aurelie accepted the galdor’s thanks with awkward embarrassment rather than grace. She didn’t seem to think that she’d played an important role in comforting Fionn and the young woman had an odd moment of clarity where she felt like she was looking at herself. Not literally of course, but metaphorically. The low self-esteem, the self-doubt, the attempt to take attention away from herself, they were all things that Niamh did on a regular basis because she didn’t have faith in her own abilities. It was an odd moment of revelation, seeing herself in the passive girl, not having realised that they had that in common. She understood it, she really did, finding herself watching with a sort of detached fascination as the young woman plucked at her skirts, recognising it for the nervous habit that it was. She noticed the tear stains on the apron for the first time but assumed that they were related to the coughing and spluttering she’d done — spilled tea — and instead found herself focusing on her nails.

The redhead was partial to many a nervous habit although she had kicked the one that involved nail biting — for the most part. Her nails were always kept short and neat but one or two were more ragged now as a result of her anxious wait in the laboratory. Looking at the passive’s hand, she couldn’t fail to see the little jagged edges on her nails and the angry red skin at the tops and below the cuticle, the thumb and index finger showing the greatest signs of aggravation. The sight of it made her thumb throb in sympathy, although maybe the skin she’d bitten at its top had simply dried out at this point, the skin tightening so that the places worried at by the student’s teeth now ached. The commonality made something squirm uncomfortably in her belly.

The young woman didn’t know if she should broach the subject and didn’t know how to bring it up anyway. Oddly, she felt like apologising, perhaps saying that she hadn’t realised but understood now, all while waving her fingers to illustrate what she meant. At the same time, she also worried that it might cause more harm than good, as Rina had done to her in the library by opening her field and allowing her to taste her own anxiety. Admittedly, her own demonstration would be far less visceral but that didn’t mean that it wouldn’t make the girl nervous. They were from two worlds after all — they shouldn’t be — but that meant that the other likely didn’t want to consider herself as being in the same league as galdori, as if any common ground between them — beyond birth — might be an affront. They weren’t all that different really but if she tried to explain that…

No, this wasn’t the time. Better to get to know her more before discussing such things. Instead, she sat as calmly as she could, field held closely around her and doing her best to keep it smooth while waiting for the question that the servant wanted to ask. Just because she’d inflicted her company on the girl by taking Fionm’s vacated seat didn’t mean that she had to force her feeling upon her as well. The presence of her field might be disturbance enough; her brother had admitted that he found it easier to be around galdori now that he spent more time around them but the envy still lingered in part, in spite of the nexi that he possessed.

When the question came, her forehead scrunched up.

“Pardon? What do I...” she trailed off, a mix of confused and nervous. Was she asking… what Niamh thought of passives? What feelings and thoughts were produced at the sight of them and the… feel of them? If she wanted her genuine opinions then the galdor didn’t know if she wanted to give them. There was such a thing as being too genuine and if she was then she might end up sounding condescending and as if-

However, the passive was already stuttering away, trying to retract it, to get the Living Conversationalist to forget it as she struggled to find the words for what she actually wanted to ask. And yet she wasn’t going to find them when she was intent to disappear from notice again, to become someone beneath notice again but not before she mentioned her sister. Her heart sank, the young woman believing that she had an inkling of what Aurelie was trying to ask about.

“Your sister? I didn’t realise that you- Oh well, I shouldn’t have assumed that you were-”

She’d been going to say ‘an only child’ but she realised that it was better if she didn’t continue digging that hole for herself. Instead, she raised her gaze from the level of laps and turned fully towards the other, taking a deep breath as she did so.

“Aurelie...” Niamh began, shaking her head as she realised that she’d just been about to tell her to look at her — an order. “Your sister has been in contact with you? Is this… a recent thing? If so… well, honestly, I’m not sure that Fionn always believes that I want anything to do with him and it’s been months — not that recent. It’s her opinion you want though, isn’t it? You- I understand why you might be afraid to ask her.”

The redhead paused, gaze dropping momentarily as she stretched out a hand to take Aurelie’s, intending to bend her fingers so the tops pointed upwards and hold her own ones up for easy comparison.

“I’m a n-n-nervous sort, in case that wasn’t apparent. I’m not the best at- It’s difficult to bring things out in the open, to confront things head on. I struggle with- I haven’t discussed some things with F-F-Fionn that I should and I care what he- Sorry, I’m rambling. Sorry.”

Cheeks reddening, she closed her eyes and wished that Fionn would leave the washroom so that she could stop talking because they would both be too embarrassed and awkward to continue if her brother was here — she was sure of it. At the same time, she didn’t want him to come out. She guessed that this was related to whatever had been upsetting her before but this time, the student was the one who could provide her with something that could help; she couldn’t do that if Fionn returned.

“Look if… you’re worried that she’s in contact with you out of a sense of… I don’t know — Duty? Responsibility? — then I wouldn’t. Worry, I mean. If she’d reached out to you… that shows that she cares about you. If it was just obligation then she’d have kept away from you. We’re told that that’s better for you. Kinder. I spent years listening to that. And being told not to even mention him. If my parents knew…”

She shuddered at the idea of how her father would react.