[Closed] A Little Blurry

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Hamis 32, 2719 Midday | Laboratory Beta

Life always continued. It was astonishing, this tenacity of habit that let the rhythm of one’s days carry on undisturbed. As if nothing had changed, or would change. For the most part, even for Aurelie, this was true. After Ana had walked her back to her room, they had said their goodbyes and her sister had made promises to return. They would speak again, she’d promised, and Aurelie very nearly fell apart before Ana left just thinking about having to do this again. And again. Over and over, until something broke--her heart, or Lilliana’s will.

Aurelie couldn’t remember much of the rest. Things continued on as they had always done, as they always would. She worked and she ate and she slept. Spoke when spoken to. Was silent when not. She did not weep. Rinse and repeat. If her heart beat out of step, if it looked as if some vital color had been bleached from her, nobody noticed. Not even her.

There was an accident.

Aurelie might have gone on like that, moving as through a dream, had Niamh not appeared outside the kitchen. To take her to the lab, she was informed. Her heart registered a faint flicker of surprise; she wasn’t sure that Niamh Madden would ever speak to her again. Dutifully she had gone to the hall, and dutifully she had greeted Niamh to the exact level of politeness she had requested when they spoke. That conversation had been a lifetime ago, she thought.

Smiling had been hard, but she had done admirably. Conversation a little more difficult again, and if spoken to she could not seem to muster up more than a few words of reply. Even still, Aurelie thought they’d always been the right ones. Brief, but said as they should. As far as she’d been listening, they’d seemed to be the right ones.

We can go home. Wouldn’t you like that?

They’d crossed into the Sciences building before it occurred to Aurelie that if Fionn was there and he hadn’t found the news he was hoping for… Well. That was alright. With Niamh there, it was easier for Aurelie to slip into the role she needed to fill. Her heart was whole. She was whole. Everything was fine. If she just concentrated on that, it would become so.

Perhaps, she thought, it would do her some good to see his face. He had not looked for her, after they spoke. Aurelie hadn’t looked either, though she’d thought of it often. At first-- before Lilliana had-- before she knew-- before, it had seemed too soon. And after? Aurelie wasn’t sure, but she thought she might have been afraid.

Why don’t you like that?

As long as Niamh was there, it would be fine.The clumsy stitches that held her together would stay in place, as long as no one pulled on them. She would be whole and she would be good and she would be useful. She didn’t need to say anything--not to Niamh, certainly, and not to Fionn either, about her parents. Or Lilliana. Focusing on someone else would help. It had to help.

The pair approached the door to the lab. Through the blur of her own grief, Aurelie felt something else grip her. The passive stopped suddenly and reached out to grab Niamh’s arm, uncharacteristically bold. For a moment her face was raw, and she opened her mouth as if to ask a question. To make a confession. In the end she thought better of it and released Niamh, her expression neutral once more.

”I… I’m sorry,” she murmured without lifting her face.

An accident.

Aurelie could hold herself together. She wouldn’t come unraveled. If she came apart, what use could she be to anybody?

If she wasn’t useful, what else was she?

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

Niamh should have been studying. Instead, she’d had the quickest lunch of her life so that she could go to the kitchens to fetch Aurelie. Again. It had been a couple of weeks since their last meeting but she expected this one to be no less awkward.

She had come to a decision and while it worried her to go through with it, the idea of not doing so seemed worse in her mind though given her brother’s mindset right now. The young man was heartbroken about Lars and while she had done some preliminary digging, she hadn’t been able to find out anything about the Hessean. No news wasn’t necessarily bad news, as she had tried to assure Fionn but she didn’t think that that had provided much comfort. They were still rather awkward around each other, neither able to see eye to eye with the other, not quite. Niamh wasn’t the source of comfort that the boy needed right now and she had promised Aurelie a chance to meet with him in order to discuss the work in Laboratory Beta so it would serve a dual purpose.

Fionn had been warned although she hadn’t told him that she was doing it for his benefit; she’d explained that Aura had waited long enough to hear back from her. However, she hadn’t expected that the passive girl would also be… out of sorts.

At least, Niamh assumed that that’s what was going on.

They hadn’t parted on the best of terms during their last encounter but they definitely could have been worse. At the very least, she didn’t think that she’d permanently offended her or sowed seeds of dislike. So whatever was going on with Aurelie, she doubted that it had anything to do with her personally — or she hoped not anyway.

The redhead knew that she herself was a chatty one and Aurelie had been rather quiet the last time — initially anyway — but she felt as if the servant was particularly disengaged. She seemed out of it, so wrapped up in her own thoughts that she hardly seemed to realise that Niamh was present and awkwardly trying to make conversation. There were the initial greetings before she made apologies for the time she’d allowed to elapse since their last meeting. She didn’t mention Fionn — not explicitly — but she did comment that she hadn’t managed to arrange a meeting with one of the professors yet so it was definitely implied.

No matter what she said or how many questions she asked, probing the other to say something, the responses she received were monosyllabic. It was so awkward that the eldest Madden actually gave up. Lapsing into silence was easier than spouting more dead end words, the chance of conversation non-existent and the attempts therefore pointless.

She didn’t know the girl very well — or at all — so she couldn’t guess what might be eating at her. Something was bothering her and it had made her close herself off from those around her, keeping her emotions to herself. For all Niamh knew, she could have been angry or upset, working out a problem or reminiscing, but she had no idea how to tell which it might be.

Although she didn’t know the cause, it was enough to make her worry. If she was so distracted around a galdor — someone to whom she seemed hard wired to show deference to — then would that distraction persist while she was around Fionn? Would she be pulled out of it when Niamh brought her into the lab and saw her… boyfriend? Gods, she didn’t know what they were, not in truth. A kiss didn’t make a relationship but it did make her wary about calling the passive pair ‘friends’.

During the walk to the Parford Wing, she wondered more than once if she was making a mistake and if it might be better if she simply sent the woman back to her work. Maybe it wasn’t good for her to see Fionn right now, for the sake of both the passives. Perhaps she was a bit embarrassed to send her back without explanation or maybe it was a matter of pride, stubbornness, she didn’t know, but she couldn’t bring herself to dismiss her.

It wasn’t until they reached the door of the lab that life surged into the young woman, her hand on Niamh’s arm making her jolt with surprise. Hazel eyes turned on the girl, jammed open wide as she searched her face, saw something pained there before the shutters slammed back down again. It wasn’t clear if she was apologising for what she’d almost said or for grabbing her like that but she didn’t think she’d get an answer if she asked. The galdor couldn’t bring herself to ask either.

Clock the Circle, she’d made a mistake, hadn’t she? She had no idea what was going on with the servant but it probably wasn’t a good idea to bring it to her brother. Too late for regrets now though when they were right outside.

“I uh… I- Don’t w-worry about it,” the redhead whispered, turning hastily away to swing the door open, leading the way into the reception area of the lab, tucking hair behind her ear.

“Fionn, I’m back! With Aurelie! I’ll um… I-I’m going to make some tea! E-Everyone likes tea!” she exclaimed brightly, plastering a smile on her face that was rather manic as she went to sort out the tea things. Unfortunately, she couldn’t keep the panicky jitters from her field and while Aura might pick up on her being upset, her brother was more likely to grasp precisely what she was feeling. He was a perceptive bugger and unfortunately, he understood her far too well.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

He’d been better. He knew he’d been better. There were occasions when he’d been worse — probably — but they hardly mattered now, not when Lars-

And he’d pushed him away, held him at arm’s length for what? He didn’t know what was eating away at his heart more — grief or guilt.

The youth certainly felt guilty, unimaginably so because there was so much that he hadn’t done or said, so much that he regretted not doing but mostly, he felt awful for what he had done. The young man wished that he’d kept Lars close, had actually kept him in the loop, had talked to him and not avoided him because maybe if he had-

Clover was dead and given the Hessean’s track record, Fionn couldn’t help but fear that she was dead because of Lars and that was why the man had… disappeared. Disappeared was easier to contemplate than dead but he didn’t hold out much hope. But it felt like it might be his fault. If he had killed Clover and he’d gotten caught then that could be why he was gone and he might have killed her because the middle Madden had shut him out and hadn’t been around to keep him on the straight and narrow.

He’d had good reasons or so he’d told himself. In truth, they’d been selfish reasons. First, it had been the trip with Keyes to the dance showcase and the feelings that it had elicited, and then it had become about Aurelie and the fact that he couldn’t explain his interest in her to his former roommate without making Lars feel as if Fionn had lost interest in him. And it hadn’t been lying because he hadn’t said anything to the man at all; he hadn’t even bothered to talk to him — about anything.

When Niamh had told him that she was going to bring Aurelie to the lab to meet with him, it had been somewhat triggering. The fact that he wanted to see her, wanted to have a chance to seek comfort in her arms made him feel awful but the desire was still there; the youth didn’t have many desires at the moment.

On twos, he didn’t do work for Keyes and his sister knew that so she’d asked him to come to the lab, make himself comfortable until she arrived. Fionn had assumed that she wanted him to do something for her; he hadn’t really cared. He’d tried to draw, he’d tried to read but for the most part, he’d simply found himself gazing blankly into space. When his sister did appear at last, she’d only come to give him warning of Aurelie’s impending visit. She hadn’t expected to have to tidy the place — she’d made that clear — but she’d gently encouraged him to do so before she came back.

So he’d done it, making the reception area of Laboratory Beta a suitable environment for them to talk in — suitably professional. Once he was done, he’d dropped onto the couch, listlessly as he flicked through the pages of an anatomy textbook that his sibling had left with him. She could have been gone an eternity or mere minutes for all the young man knew, the moments stretching infinitely while also seeming outside of time, the teenager not truly residing within them.

However, when his sister returned, he managed to liven up at least a little. It was Aurelie following in her wake that did it, the passive tiny beside Niamh with her above average stature, her nexus a small, almost shy thing beside the swell and noise of his sister’s field. And the galdor’s field was certainly noisy, always some over the top emotion or other reigning within its boundaries and this time was no exception. He had no idea why his sister was in a panic but it was impossible to miss it given her odd behaviour and the distressed monic aura that pummelled him. It was enough to pull him out of his own self-pity and self-centeredness.

The blond had had his legs thrown over the arm of the couch, propped up on an elbow as he lay across the seat cushions. Once they entered, he made himself sit up and swing his legs back to the floor, the flood of emotion making him turn his attention briefly to his sister before focusing on Aurelie. He assumed that his sibling had done something and that while she was the one panicking, the passive might be the victim in this. Niamh panicked when she fucked up. While Niamh was distraught, the diminutive redhead appeared calm. Fionn frowned at her, not fully realising that he’d gotten to his feet.

Why was she calm? She hadn’t been that way around him before, she was a nervous ball of energy — in much the same way that his elder sibling was actually — and while he knew that she could quash her emotions — he’d seen her do it — Fionn didn’t think that she was that good. If the girl struggled with lying then it stood to reason that she’d also have issue concealing it when it was her facial expressions and body language rather than her words. Maybe this was something that Niamh could produce in her, he didn’t know. He did know that he was concerned for her though — true genuine concern that wasn’t coloured by anything selfish. He didn’t know if his sister had upset or angered her but he didn’t trust her to avoid inflammatory remarks around the female passive, not after their argument.

"Great, Niamh. You do that," he remarked absently to her exclamation about tea, disinterested in what she was doing as he crossed the floor to Aurelie. He didn’t think about it first, he was just acting on instinct, drawn to her. Provided that she didn’t shove him off, he’d immediately envelop the smaller passive in a hug, holding her protectively against his chest.

The young man had had a chance to see her since he’d talked with her in Keyes’ office but he hadn’t been able to touch her since, not properly. Now he had every intention of hugging her to him, trembling slightly as he held her to him with an air of desperate need.

"I… I’m glad that you’re here," he murmured, dredging up a faint but genuine smile. "I- Did she say anything? Has she been making you uncomfortable?" Fionn questioned softly, moving to stroke her hair. Niamh would be able to see every move he made but he didn’t care. If she wanted to ogle then let her!

He didn’t know that his newly arrived companion needed a hug but he sure as hell did!

[Aurelie Steerpike]

This had been a mistake. Niamh opened the door and Aurelie almost turned and fled. Seeing Fionn didn't help her keep her composure at all. If anything it had the opposite effect, a part of her heart gone soft and fragile at him, draped across the furniture. Was he well? She couldn't tell. It somehow felt a very long time since she had last seen him. How could she-- she needed to stay together, not fall apart or think about--

No, it was too late. She was here already here and she didn't have the strength to turn away now, even if she wanted to. He stood and crossed the room towards her. Aurelie didn't look at him directly, or at Niamh as she walked away saying something about tea. She didn't even realize how close he'd actually gotten until he had put his arms around her. Her whole body stiffened, Aurelie unsure of what to do. For a panicked moment she thought maybe she should push him back, step away. A sigh escaped her instead as some part of her crumbled and she leaned in to put her face on his shoulder. Her eyes were dry but her heart lurched painfully in her chest. Aurelie hesitantly brought her arms up to wrap around Fionn and return the embrace.

This was so much more than a hand on his arm, or a brief clasp of fingers under the table. Emotion welled up in her; she choked it back. It felt absurd, to be so overcome by a single embrace. She couldn't help but think of diamonds and starlight, and it suffocated her. Let's go home. So rare, to feel so close to someone like this. His fingers were moving over her hair; a part of her untied.

Did he tremble a little? Aurelie thought maybe he did, some of his need coming across to her. If Niamh was watching--well, that was her own problem, wasn't it. Aurelie needed this, maybe he did too. She spread her hands across the span of his back and spent a heartbeat or two just thinking about how nice it was to be able to feel warmth of his body so close to hers, the rhythm of his breath. Solid and alive. Aurelie found it oddly comforting now to feel no field at all.

"Oh, Birdie, there's no good way to tell you this..."

"No, she-- no. I'm fine," Aurelie murmured. A lie, but one of her best. She thought of Niamh watching, wondered what she must be thinking. Aurelie found she couldn't pull away just yet. She smiled a thin smile of her own, though it was unlikely Fionn could see it with her face pressed into his chest. True to her word, she had missed him, despite everything. Strange. "I'm--me too." One breath in, shaky and uncertain. Back out again. In. As she exhaled she let that numb calm settle over her. She wasn't sure she had to ask how his search had gone. It seemed obvious.

"And are you..." Aurelie hesitated. Much as she relied on Niamh's presence to keep her from losing her composure utterly, the press of her field seemed to choke the words out of her. She was so wary of stumbling on something best left alone. Wary too of saying something that would give her away or break her resolution. She wouldn't tell him, or she would fall apart. She couldn't... it wasn't fair. If she stayed pressed up against his heart a moment longer, she would fall to pieces.

"...are you--did you--how are you...?" Aurelie stepped back at last, turning to look up at him. No, he didn't seem well at all. She allowed herself to shift her expression into an emotion that wasn't a carefully rigid calm--concern. Fionn had been so, so desperate. He'd been looking for someone important, she knew that, remembered that. Oh, she wanted to be wrong. But she thought very much she was right.

"Our parents, they're gone."

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

She wished that she could throw herself into tea-making with reckless abandon — if either ‘reckless’ or ‘abandon’ could be applied to the process then Niamh was probably the one who could do it — but she didn’t have water boiled or anything. It was very difficult to throw yourself into a task when you had to stand around waiting. She certainly tried to be busy, bustling about the place, pulling together the various components that she needed and even stopping to sort the spare cups so that she could be seen to be doing something. The galdor was ready to do anything that would keep her attention away from Aurelie and Fionn for the time being, although she doubted that she managed to be beneath notice herself. While she did attempt to be quiet, there was only so much you could do to lower your noise levels when you were rooting around amongst porcelain objects.

In truth, she wanted to appear busy so that they wouldn’t feel as if they were being spied on but of course, she was throwing furtive looks their way, perhaps a little too frequently when her younger brother moved to embrace Aurelie. She tried chastising herself, telling herself that they deserved some privacy, especially as Fionn was having a difficult time and the girl… she didn’t know what was going on with the girl but a hug certainly couldn’t go amiss. She tried to convince herself that a hug was harmless, innocent, that she didn’t have to eyeball them while they were embracing but she couldn’t seem to keep her eyes away no matter how hard she tried. The eldest Madden did feel awfully guilty but she couldn’t help being almost mesmerised by the sight.

Her brother had been so casually dismissive of her, his attitude similar to how he’d been over the past few days, uncaring and disinterested. She could tell him that another Dorhaven-style bombing had taken place and that hundreds were dead and ‘that’s nice, Niamh’ would be a likely response. In this instance, his words were neutral but the message came across quite clearly: do whatever you like — I don’t care.

However, the passive that she’d brought from the kitchens seemed to have elicited a more genuine response from him, causing him to focus on someone beyond himself and his inner musings. She should be grateful — and she was — but she was strangely jealous. It had taken her so long to get her brother used to the idea of hugs and even now, when she herself needed comfort, Fionn was very awkward about giving them — hesitant. Not for the other passive though. He embraced her as if it was the most natural thing in the world and well… it irked her, more than it should have perhaps but it did irk her all the same. Why couldn’t he act that way around her?

Probably because she has him utterly moonstruck, she thought, chewing on a nail as she risked another glance their way.

Gods, was he stroking her hair? That was- She hadn’t expected to see that but it was such a tender gesture. He looked as if he was comforting her though. Perhaps he was far more perceptive than she was but that wasn’t that surprising; the boy paid a lot of attention to others and was far more perceptive than people gave him credit for — including Niamh. Still, it was beyond strange to see her brother act like that. He was a sweet boy and while it was certainly saccharine, it was more than that; he made it seem as if his intentions had been pure all along.

In spite of that, the eldest Madden wasn’t going to leave them on their own. When you were upset, you didn’t think straight and you did stupid things; she understood that all too well.

Her field had calmed somewhat but she was still anxious, still forcing uncomfortable emotions on the pair she was sure. That seemed only fair though given how much discomfort they were causing her right now; maybe she was right to think of Aurelie as being her brother’s girlfriend!

Clock the Circle, would this water ever boil so she’d have a legitimate excuse to split them apart?

By the time it did boil, she was being far less furtive in her looks and had actually had her arms crossed as she frowned in their direction. As she set about wetting tea leaves, she cleared her throat. At first, it was quiet but she did it again, far louder and far more obvious.

That was enough of that now. More than enough.

“So Aurelie… I uh… tried to explain the last time about nexi and um… what we do here — well, less me because I’m only a research assistant — but Fionn is more… eloquent than I am. And erm… not always more succinct — he rambles when he gets excited — but uh… yeah. You can ask him things… and stuff now that you’re here,” the galdor explained, wincing slightly at how awkward she sounded, how forced.

It couldn’t be said that subtlety was her strong suit.

She folded her hands together, resisting the urge to fidget as she waited for the tea to brew, hazel gaze fixed rather expectantly on her brother. If she could catch his eye then she'd tilt her head towards the couch, eyes shifting that way to indicate that he should sit down. She wasn't certain that she'd feel any better when they were seated, especially not if they sat close to one another. It was far too easy to conjure up an image in her imagination of Aurelie cuddled up against him with her legs tucked up under her, redhead nestled beneath his chin.

He wouldn't though, not with her here — she hoped. She couldn't very well tell them to sit a certain distance apart now, could she?

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

Fionn hadn’t expected her to stiffen in his arms but it wasn’t wholly unexpected. This was against the rules and Niamh was here to witness the transgression; Fionn didn’t care. Then she melted into him and it made everything so much better, the young man gaining comfort from her proximity. She was soft and pleasant, the feel of her nexus and her scent already comforting and familiar. Her head found his shoulder, her arms wrapped around him and he was able to pet her hair, fingers moving lightly over the soft strands — it felt quite different in texture to his own. In spite of their height differences, they fit together nicely. The youth thought that he’d be happy remaining like this permanently — if he thought that he could get away with it.

When she responded that she was glad to be here too, a flutter stirred within him and his smile crept a little more widely across his face. She’d told him the last time they’d met that she’d miss him so her reply made sense but it was still lovely to hear her answer in kind. Unfortunately, he couldn’t believe everything she said. Aurelie said that she was fine but she clearly wasn’t. If he hadn’t seen her face, hadn’t heard the ragged, unevenness of her breath then he might have believed her; it had sounded quite believable — she wasn’t as poor a liar as she’d led him to suppose.

However, as she pressed on, the teenager realised that it might not have been a lie — not exactly, but those were the best sort — as she seemed worried about him. Fionn was the wrong one in this situation, he was the one grieving although she couldn’t know that — not yet. However, she probably worried about finding out exactly what answers he’d gotten about Lars, worried that she’d end up poking at something that was raw.

She stepped away, gazing up at him and his heart lurched at the concern on her face. His brown eyes dropped to the ground, vision blurring even as he bit his lip hard so that he wouldn’t start crying. He hadn’t cried in a few days — the shock — but he’d conveyed some of his anxieties to her and she managed to touch him anew, sending emotion cascading through him again. His shoulders hunched, the young man curling in on himself where he stood. His mouth moved but he couldn’t say it aloud, couldn’t trust his voice but his demeanour spoke for itself.

The youth realised that his sister was clearing her throat to get their attention and anger flared, Fionn glaring in her direction through the shine of tears. Sweet Lady, why did she have to stick her nose in? Yes, he had her to thank for bringing the servant here but damn her, why couldn’t she piss off now and leave them to- to-

He crossed his arms over his chest, a momentary gesture as he put some distance between himself and Aurelie, and then thought better of it. Moving close again, he went to put a guiding hand on her back at waist-level so he could bring her to the couch with him. As he reached his hand out, he looked straight at his sister and raised his brows, mouth pursed as he silently dared her to do something about it. If Aurelie didn’t protest then he’d lead her to his former seat, sitting normally this time and encouraging her to sit beside him. He left some space between them — not in deference to his sister who was eyeing him rather disapprovingly — because he didn’t want to make the other passive uncomfortable in Niamh’s presence. Besides, they didn’t need to be glued to one another.

Saying that, he was more than happy to seek her hand so he could thread his fingers through hers in the space between their legs.

“Niamh didn’t tell me exactly how she tried to explain things but I can imagine,” he remarked grimly, rolling his eyes in his sister’s view — that was almost certain to bring a flush to her face. “Explaining the nexus isn’t exactly her strong suit — I don’t know that it’s mine either — but I um… I-I experience things differently. I haven’t been taught to…”

He trailed off, running a hand through his hair and making a soft clucking sound between his tongue and teeth.

“We haven’t been formally educated, not in the way that- Anything we’ve learned, we’ve had to work for, right? We’ve just had to work it out.”

The blond was turned more towards Aurelie now rather than his sister, something a bit brighter in his features. This was better than grief. This made it so much easier to put his feelings in a box and shove them somewhere out of the way. They wouldn’t be sitting there to gather dust — he’d retrieve them soon enough — but they were mercifully at bay for the time being.

“When I was told, it took me awhile to work out how to sense it—the nexus—and that was at least partially because I didn’t want to- Well, it sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? We’ve been told that we’re empty, broken, that’s the whole fucking point of why we aren’t good enough to be called galdori, right?”

His leg had begun to jump up and down, the jitter a result of his rising emotions, a bitterness in his voice as well.

“My point is… even if you could make yourself believe it — really believe it — you probably still haven’t managed to sense anything, even if you’ve tried. I can… explain that. How to- If you want me to or we c-could just- It’s up to you. I’m here for you. I mean- Well, I-”

He bit his lip, a shy, self-conscious smirk twitching at his mouth. Fionn knew that he was beginning to sound like an idiot, tripping over his own tongue but that was something that he was beginning to associate with his time around Aurelie.

“My point is that you’re steering things here. Whatever you want to know, I’m here to tell you it if I can. And there’s no such thing as a stupid question — except maybe those you don’t ask because you’re scared of sounding like an idiot.”

His smile was soft and encouraging now, pink spots in his cheeks that were partly fuelled by the watchful gaze of his older sibling.

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Niamh cleared her throat, obvious and disapproving, and Aurelie was glad she had stepped back. She had the grace to feel embarrassed at the impropriety, now that she'd put a little distance between them. Everything just seemed so far away, it was so easy to slide from one moment to the next. That was dangerous. It made her careless.

Even with renewed consciousness of Niamh's presence, the hunch of Fionn's shoulders answered her question; she wanted to step forward again. Not good news then. It took a great deal of control to stay where she was. Truthfully the advantages of some physical distance were two-fold. Aurelie wouldn't have to worry as much about how things appeared to Niamh, and she felt more confident she could keep herself in one piece.

Nexi...? Oh--that was right. Aurelie had forgotten the pretense for her being here, in the last few days. The research seemed so remote. Along with everything else. The girl's interest hadn't been feigned, but questions of the nature of the passive condition were hard to keep in her mind when all she could think of was the last time she had seen her parents' faces. Her father had cried, but it was her mother who had looked the most disappointed. Aurelie knew, on some level, that this was always going to be her last picture of them, and yet--still she--

Fionn's hand at her back shook her free of her train of thought. She was grateful for it, following the lead given to come sit on the couch next to him. Close, but not too much so. It would be far too easy for her to allow herself to collapse against his shoulder and burden him with her problems. Now that she knew for certain things were not well, Aurelie was desperate to keep it to herself. Helpful, that's what she wanted to be. He didn't need to be weighed down with her petty sorrows.

She was still fool enough to take his hand when he reached out. The feel of his pulse was steadying. Aurelie tried to focus on what he was saying instead of what she was thinking. She liked the way talking about the nexi lit up Fionn's face, even if she was struggling to keep her mind on task. Better than grief, for both of them. Aurelie angled herself to look at Fionn as he spoke, though she spared a glance at Niamh. Were she less occupied, she might have tried to make Niamh more comfortable. Included, somehow. As it stood, she simply didn't know how and hadn't the energy to figure it out.

"No, I... I haven't sensed anything. I haven't, ah, tried, I suppose." Her confession was a little apologetic. She'd had the time to try, if she really wanted. She just hadn't managed to. The tongue-tied promise that he would be there for her managed to bring a small, real smile to her face. It faded quickly enough, but the little spark of warmth remained. Even if he just meant it in the context of nexi and research, she was happy to hear it.

It would be interesting to know, to be able to feel whatever it was... The not-nothing that surrounded them. Aurelie couldn't picture what it could possibly be like. She thought of her sister's field, polished and shining around her. Nothing like that at all. The thought hurt. If there was something there instead of nothing, would her sister think of her differently? Would she see her differently--would she see her more clearly, or less?

What did she want to know? Aurelie struggled to remember what questions she might have had. She highly doubted Fionn knew the answer to what caused the development of the nexus at all if Niamh hadn't. Though maybe he did--she really wasn't sure. That didn't seem important, at this moment. She had asked out of curiosity, and that curiosity had died in her breast. Hollowness and ash, with everything else.

"What is it--what does it feel like?" The question escaped her before she could stop it. She wasn't sure if she was asking about what it felt like to sense such a thing, or to know that he could. Does it help, or does it still hurt? Is it any better, knowing that there's something there instead of nothing? Aurelie wasn't sure she thought it would be better to know that they weren't nothing. It didn't change the law or remove the marks from their arms. Knowing didn't give anything back to them.

That was all she could think to ask. She wanted him to keep talking, because Fionn seemed to like doing so and she liked to listen, but she wasn't sure how to show appropriate interest to keep it going. Absently she squeezed his hand.

Does Niamh knowing make her see you any differently? Did you know, I saw my sister, and I don't know if she truly saw me at all. Would a nexus make her see an adult, and not a crying child?

Or maybe those questions would be better asked to Niamh herself. She wouldn't ask either Madden; Aurelie was too afraid of the answer.

[Niamh Madden]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

Her brother could try the patience of a saint. Niamh was no saint but she was probably close and right now, she found that he was dancing rather vigorously on her last nerve. This was one of those days when she didn’t like Fionn very much, largely because he was being a prick — that’s exactly what he was, a prick! The look he gave her! The ungrateful little- Had he forgotten why Aurelie was here? Heavens forbid that his sister should interrupt his all important plans of- of- of canoodling! She hadn’t brought her here so that he could touch her and whisper away, all intimate and- and-

Sweet Lady, the look he gave her! As if to say how dare she disturb him. She was the adult here, the galdor and it was a good thing that she was here to be responsible! He had to handle her to lead her to the couch as well as if he couldn’t keep his hands off her for a moment! Admittedly, it was no more improper than how most men would guide a lady but that wasn’t the point! Well, honestly, she was in two minds about it. One mind said that it was quite sweet actually and there was something protective and caring in the gesture. It looked very natural and right — except for the blue servant uniforms of course. The other mind did not approve at all because her brother was showing no restraint despite her being here. It was against the rules but he was making no attempt to keep his distance.

They were seated, the student stretching up on her toes to check that there was some distance between them, frowning when she saw their fingers twined. The green of envy flashed through her field, sharp and acrid, her frown becoming more of a pout. They made it seem so natural. She wished that she could do that with Harper but she also feared that it would be awkward for them, neither galdor entirely comfortable with the intimacy, especially as it would be unfamiliar and strange. Then again, she wasn’t sure what sort of relationship herself and the professor had — nothing like what the passives had. They weren’t even meant to be in a relationship with each other! Although… she shouldn’t have a relationship with a professor either, especially given that he had authority over her. It was hardly appropriate; she was hardly in a position to judge but it didn’t stop her.

Her brother managed to begin his explanation by looking right at her and insulting her, rolling his eyes as he did so and she scowled, turning her back on him to sort the tea things. The loud, violent clatter of the teapot lid gave some indication of her displeasure.

“There’s no need to throw me under the kenser,” she told the tea things waspishly, voice hardly above a mutter. While she could admit her own failings, she hadn’t done a horrible job explaining and it was hardly fair to treat her as if she was incompetent. She could have told him as much but she probably would have lost her temper, which nobody needed right now. Worse, she’d end up saying that it wasn’t fair and that’d set him right off; he loved to point out how unfair life was, especially for people like him. Trying to argue with him on that point, especially when he viewed her as privileged, would only leave them both angry and frustrated, with the eldest Madden liable to he left close to bawling her eyes out — her brother was good like that.

She gathered things on a tray, still scowling as she listened to her brother talk. She had hardly been inconspicuous — even before she addressed them directly — since returning to the lab but aside from the odd look from the passives, they acted as if she wasn’t there. It was like she was a part of the furniture, something you took for granted but hardly registered. It was infuriating.

This is how they must feel, she realised, aggression and irritation seeping away as the revelation spread its icy fingers through her. They probably weren’t doing it on purpose but then most galdori didn’t either, did they? It must be awful to be in a room and yet seem to be of no more consequence to people than a lamp or a table. It wasn’t a comfortable thing to consider and she began to feel guilty by the time she carried a tray bearing cups and saucers to the low table before them. She poured tea for them all, favouring each passive with a faint smile, slightly pained as she set their beverages down near to hand.

Her own cup was last, the young woman lifting it on its saucer to carry it to an armchair after she’d sweetened it. She seated herself with her feet crossed at the ankles, saucer balanced carefully on her lap as she cradled it. It was so she wouldn’t stare at their joined hands — wouldn’t stare at all actually — because she wasn’t really meant to be here, not when she’d assured Aurelie that she’d give them privacy when this meeting came to pass. It wasn’t that she’d lied exactly; she’d been telling the truth before circumstances had changed. Still, there was no reason why they should be left alone — it wasn’t as if they needed privacy.

By that reasoning, there was no reason why she couldn’t be a part of the conversation.

“It feels nothing like a field other than the fact that each one is unique — they all have something of their owner in them. I don’t think that they convey emotions but… it could just be that we haven’t discovered them yet. We know how emotions feel in the mona but we don’t know that it is mona,” Niamh explained, gaze flicking to her brother.

“We don’t know many things for certain — hence the research. But I… I doubt that it feels any different for me than it does for Fionn although… he sees more passives than I do and I suppose, he doesn’t have a field to get in the way,” she admitted softly, flushing with colour. She’d spoken before she’d considered things properly and as soon as the words left her, the young woman realised that she had been an idiot. There were many reasons why it could feel differently to a passive than to a galdor and so what she told Aurelie might not apply to the passive girl; she’d have more in common with Fionn.

She lapsed into silence, biting her lip and peering thoughtfully into the contents of her cup.

[Fionn]

Hamis 32, 2719 | Midday
Laboratory Beta

.

The galdor was irritated — he could sense it in her field. He was getting on her nerves, he could tell; Fionn was rather good at getting on her nerves. He’d wanted to annoy her, he’d been aiming for it and he wasn’t sorry to see the ill-humour on her face before she turned away, banging porcelain as she vented her frustration on the poor innocent teapot. It made her keep her mouth shut, which was definitely to be desired. It kept her silent while he spoke and soon he was able to forget about her, even as she rattled around the place.

Talking about nexi and other passive matters always invigorated him and made him block out all else. In truth, the young man could have talked about this sort of thing endlessly, so much so that he tended to miss out on clear signs of boredom, distress or any other emotion that might have signalled that the other person had had enough. He became so caught up in his own excitement that he just couldn’t bring himself to stop — even when it was obvious that he should because he simply didn’t notice. That he managed to rein himself in and bring himself to a stop was a wonder but he was strangely proud of himself, pleased to have succeeded in something so rare for Aurelie’s sake. Honestly, she had no idea just how lucky she was to have Fionn fettering his impulses for her. This was about her — not him.

Paying attention to her instead of the inner workings of his own brain meant that he could see that she was a little unfocused. Fionn was unsure if he’d upset her by broadcasting his own pain — she’d been so concerned about him after all — and that was why she wasn’t giving him her full attention or if she was simply focusing on the wrong things. When they’d been in Keyes’ office, she’d spent a fair bit of time watching his lips and — he suspected — listening to the sound of his voice rather than focusing on his actual words. In this instance, it could be both.

She wasn’t as absent as she’d been on that earlier occasion so perhaps he was worrying for nothing. He didn’t want to ask her now, not with Niamh hovering near at hand, carrying tea over while Aurelie seemed to apologise for not attempting to sense nexi. He didn’t know why his sister had hung around and it evidently wasn’t for the purpose of making them tea and then getting lost; there were three cups instead of two. Maybe there would be no more questions that he’d be afraid or too uncomfortable to ask in his sister’s presence but what if there were more? What if there were things he wanted to say, experiences that he wanted to convey that wouldn’t be possible while the galdor was around?

There were many things he shared with Niamh that he probably shouldn’t but there were plenty more that he had no intention of her ever learning about — not so much as an inkling. Would anything like that come up? If it did, could he ask his sister to leave? Would she do it?

The youth couldn’t question his passive companion but he could try a bit of silent communication. If his presence was distracting then he couldn’t very well do anything about it but if she worried about his emotional well-being then there might be a way to reassure her without opening his mouth — or add a silent layer of meaning to whatever he did say.

“It’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to be thinking about these sorts of things,” Fionn assured her, stroking his thumb across the back of her hand, smiling softly.

He let his gaze slide to his sister as she gave him tea and he winked briefly at her, the corner of his mouth tilting up just a little more. She didn’t seem irritated anymore — her field had definitely changed — and so he was inclined to be a bit more personable, offering his own form of thanks. He didn’t know if this multi-layered communication thing was working.

When Aurelie’s question came, he hummed softly to himself, brown eyes fixed on the ceiling as he thought about how to answer. Before he had a chance to properly consider though, his sister decided to butt in with her own opinion on the matter. His gaze returned to her, frowning at her assumptions, but she seemed to have some awareness of how she sounded judging by the blush — and a sense of deference towards him as well. It was nice to have her fall silent, evidently trusting him to speak more on the matter.

“All right so… yes, every nexus is unique. It doesn’t change the overall feel of the nexus, the same way that you can recognise a field as a field, even if you don’t know its owner,” he confirmed, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he considered how to describe it from there. He thought about her nexus, which he could feel quite distinctly now, the aura even more familiar to him now; he could probably pick it out in a crowd, maybe even with a few fields in the way to shout over it.

The youth squinted, allowing his senses to probe it, comparing it with his own nexus, which hung around him.

“It’s kind of difficult to describe, it’s… Okay so, I call the stuff inside a nexus anti-mona because it’s opposite to the mona. It could be that it’s another type of mona, the same way that there are um… different- Do you know about the different kinds of Conversation like Living? That’s Niamh’s main focus — healing and what have you, stuff to do with anything alive — and there are other kinds, each one opening up different kinds of spell,” the blond explained, running a hand through his hair so that it grew more dishevelled.

“Anyway, I’m getting a bit uh… off-course, you don’t want me to talk golly stuff. My point is that it seems to have a link to the mona — enough in common to be connected — but different enough to be its own thing. It’s kind of like a mirror image? No, more like a shadow! A shadow gives you the shape of an object and you can’t have a shadow without the object,” he explained, pulling his hand from Aurelie’s so that he had both of them available to wave excitedly in the air as he spoke. His sister snorted softly in amusement at the display.

“A shadow tells you something about the object, you get a general idea but they’re flat — literally — and they’re pretty different to the object that casts them. Sorry, this is all really… romantic and uh… not helpful.”

He chuckled, ruffling his hair again.

“The best thing to do is to try to feel it. You might not get it straight away but try closing your eyes and focusing on yourself. Your breathing, the feel of your heartbeat, the places your skin touches. Then try to stretch your senses, the way you might if you thought that someone might be watching you — the way your skin prickles, you know? — and I’m sure that Niamh could dampen her field a bit…?”

He looked to his sister who nodded and did as he asked. He smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck as he glanced down.

“Sorry, I’m asking you to do this while we’re both sitting here and it’s not like- Well, I’m just going to make you really self-conscious, aren’t I? You don’t have to do it now, Aurelie — if you don’t want to!”

[Aurelie Steerpike]

It was unfortunate that his thumb on the back of her hand had what was quite possibly the opposite of the effect intended. The gesture was sweet, and she wasn't even sure if he could tell she was upset--she certainly didn't want him to. Her mind wandered. What kinds of things did he expect she thought about, then? Nothing so lofty as the more academic questions of magic, to be sure. A bitter feeling spread over the back of her tongue. Maybe they all thought she was as stupid as she felt--Fionn, Niamh, her sister. Maybe they were all right.

Still, they answered her question. Niamh first, though she seemed to think she was putting her nose in where it wasn't wanted. Aurelie didn't mind. Niamh's perspective was just as interesting to her, really. If anything it was more relevant, on the purely mechanical interpretation of her question, because she had been asking more for Ana than herself. She did her best to look appreciatively in Niamh's direction.

Nothing like a field, then. This was something of a relief, for reasons she couldn't have articulated even in someone had known to ask. A relief too was hearing that emotions weren't broadcast through it. Aurelie did plenty of that with her own face, and while she thought she was controlling herself well enough here in this room she certainly didn't want to test the theory. She hadn't really thought about it, but the idea of either or both of the other people in the room being able to pick up more than she knew how to hide made her tense.

"You can talk about whatever you'd like," she assured, a quiet murmur more meant to confirm she was listening than convey information. It was true though. She was about equally unfamiliar with it all, and golly magic or the nexus--it all seemed so far away. She couldn't help being a little irked that he would think she'd spent ten years around the Brunnhold student body and not picked up on the idea that there were different broad categories of magic.

Aurelie had even had Ana telling her about it before--well, to prepare her for school. Her sister, she remembered, had wanted her to do well. No, not wanted. She had been certain Aurelie would have loved Brunnhold just as much as she had. So had her mother, she remembered suddenly. Once, in Ana's ninth year, she had come home for a break and the three of them had gone out for lunch. Aurelie remembered because it was so rare--Mother and Ana had gone out together often enough, but Aurelie was almost never invited, as she was too young for it. But this time they had brought her, and they had gotten sandwiches and they had talked about Brunnhold, all three of them. And afterwards... Oh what had they done afterwards? Ah, that's right. They'd gone shopping and Aurelie had gotten to pick out a new pair of shoes. Ana had asked her opinion on a dress, to be the tie-breaker between her sister and Mother. She'd never felt so grown-up in her life. Foolish then and foolish now.

Fionn was still talking. Aurelie tore herself out of the memory in time to hear him compare the substance of a nexus to a shadow. In a better frame of mind, Aurelie would likely have appreciated the metaphor more. Even as hollowed-out as she was she couldn't help but smile as he pulled their hands apart to gesticulate with more fervor. Niamh snorted and Aurelie tried to catch her eye, a co-conspirator. Niamh had warned her. She liked it, though. Aurelie had never been sure it was much of a waste, her not getting to attend Brunnhold as a student, but it seemed a shame Fionn couldn't.

Things were going fairly well, she felt. She would have to think more on what they both had said later, when she had some semblance of control over her mind, to really be sure she understood it all. Still, Fionn seemed happy to talk and even Niamh was less wound-up. Aurelie tucked her hands together on her lap in front of her, tea untouched. She didn't think she had much to do with it, but it was good to see. And all of this gave her something else to think about, something more pleasant than--yes. Going well, that was, until Fionn asked her to try to feel out this whole nexus business for herself.

Aurelie froze in place, making some sort of odd noise. Could she refuse? "Self-conscious" wasn't the right term for it. Aurelie wasn't worried about failure. She expected failure. Something just seemed--maybe she should. Maybe it would be distracting, or enlightening, or... Something. Aurelie resolved to try, because she couldn't think of a better reason to refuse than "I don't want to think about it".

"I, er, I could... certainly try." The young woman threaded her fingers together on her lap and clenched her fists together. Close her eyes, he'd said, so she did, though she felt silly. Focused on herself. A few breaths in and out, no more ragged than usual of late. She tried. And she tried. And she... failed. She felt nothing, nothing at all. Maybe there was something wrong with her, more even than just being passive, and her sister was right to talk to her like she had, and she couldn't be dangerous because she was too broken even for that. At any other time, in any other place, to have failed to sense something she hadn't even known existed until a month ago would have been disappointing and embarrassing, but she might have gotten over it quickly enough. It might have been worse because Fionn was here, even if she'd been in a more positive frame of mind to begin with, because she felt like she was disappointing him. Both of them, really.

Now? On top of what she was trying so, so hard not to think about? On top of being genuinely worried about Fionn's well-being? Now, this disappointment was just one too many. When Aurelie opened her eyes again they were wet--she had started to cry. Sweet merciful Lady, she had done it, she'd really gone and started crying! It was only a little, really just barely wetting her own eyelashes, but it was more than she'd ever wanted. Here on this sofa, where they could see--where he could see and it was just overwhelming, crushing. All the things she had been trying to choke down threatened to push their way out of her.

"I don't think it worked," she confessed. Did her voice sound as strange as she thought it did? Gods she hoped not.

Roll

Aura tries to do the thing: 2