Passive Dorms
They were odd words to have ringing in his ears, burrowing their way into his brain, something alternative to focus on that could distract him from Jamie's presence and from his own snide, inner voice. They were words that had him thinking, even as he curled further into Lars -
Why don't you put a knee either side of his waist because that's where you really want this to go, isn't it?
- gratified that he seemed to want to be close to Fionn too, not pulling away even though the other passive was there. It was... nice. It wasn't like he was embarrassed or ashamed to be seen with him like this. But it wasn't as if Jamie didn't know what the youngest blond was like so he could draw whatever conclusions he liked, hardly a real consideration when there was Lars and those strange words.
If the young man he was talking to hadn't said those cruel words then who had? Some inner voice? But inner voices didn't come out, they didn't take over your lips and-
But they did sometimes, didn't they? Sometimes there were words, words you knew were crossing your lips but you hadn't said them. Something else, someone else was using your lips, your tongue, your body to act out its will and you were the one left with any blame. "It wasn't me" didn't really cut it when all signs pointed to the contrary. Was that what Lars meant?
"You agree with Lars..."
Again, undeniably he was speaking about himself as if in the third person but this was different than the other times that he disassociated, wasn't it? There was no 'he' but 'I' and 'me'. Was that as much a concern as the rest of what he was saying though, this talk of their doomed relationship and their next steps?
He laughed humorlessly, a hint of bitterness in his tone. "Lars... I'm more than capable of causing myself trouble, I don't need anyone else to land me in it. It's always me, it's always my own fucking fault. And it's why I can't see how this can end well. Everything - every single fucking thing - goes to hell near me, Lars," he remarked, leaning away, dragging a hand through his hair as he sighed.
"I was born and fucked up my family long before they knew I was passive. Before my test, my father could at least keep me at a distance, try to pretend that I was his because I was meant to be the heir but as soon as I tested out, he lost it. I saw some of it and Niamh explained what's happened since. This -"
He pulled a lock of his hair taut, wiggling it up and down.
"This shows that I'm not a Madden, not a true one. No blond in my father's family so... he's not my father. Whole family blew apart 'cos I exist. In the early days in here when I had boys who weren't kicking my erse, who actually wanted to be my friend, well... they ran into accidents. Although... that was probably Ayden. But him, Fred, you... people around me... they don't have a fun time..."
He trailed off, his face pink, all too aware that in Lars' case, he was very much to blame to that one. It had been his fists but it had also been his association. He realised for the first time that he'd known all along that anyone who took an interest in him risked Ayden's wrath. Hadn't he warned Lars to keep his head low? Why? Because he'd known that he'd jump on any excuse. Sure, he'd never thought about it consciously but that didn't mean that he'd been unaware... Maybe even when the parse had gone to work with that golly professor, he'd been paranoid that any friend he made would meet misfortune at the young man's hands.
The thought made him feel sick.
"I just... expect everything to end badly because... I exist," Fionn admitted, his gaze low, unable to look the other in the eye. "I... don't want you to get hurt again because of me but... I can't see how you can be okay if... you have anything to do with me. I d-don't know what to do, I just- I'm not meant to have anything nice, Lars, I don't deserve it."
Gods, why was he sprawled across the other's lap? Why was he doing this? Why was he letting himself have this, especially when it would have to be taken away from him? His breath came more quickly than before, pushed towards the edge of tears and panic and he had to try to divert his mind, consider something that wasn't this, the two of them, whatever the fuck this relationship was.
"You said... it wasn't you. That... you didn't say it but if you didn't- Was it the other Lars?" he asked softly, brown eyes finally raised, his lips stretched but no amusement there. It might have looked a bit like a smile but it was oddly sad and serious. "You... are Lars, aren't you?"