Far from Passive (Aura)

[Fionn]

Yaris 80, 2719

Aura,

It’s been too many weeks since I’ve had a chance to talk to you but I didn’t want you thinking I’d forgotten about you. I wouldn’t couldn’t after that night with the fireworks. Not that that’s the only reason because I meant what I said that night, all the things I said, even if they were stupid even if they came out a bit wrong.

In some ways, I miss working for Keyes because at least I was close to everything familiar. This Umberto fellow isn’t the worst but he’s somehow weirder, which I didn’t think was possible. He’s really clever but also a bit dense too. He seems to think that I’m like an ordinary servant and so he gives me a day off every week. A whole day of free time is more time than I know what to do with honestly but I’m also trying to pretend that I’m human on those days. I don’t think I’m any good at it.

I haven’t really had much chance to get back into the university proper and it’d be hard for us to see each other even if I did but if you wondered why I haven’t been to see you — that’s why. I’ll probably turn up sooner or later, even though it’s a lot of effort to get in. I don’t even know if I’ll send I can try to get you’ll get this letter because I suppose I’ll have to try to deliver it myself and that probably won’t be easy. I’d try to leave it with Harper but he might not like us writing to each other. If I get it to you, I don’t really expect you to answer — too risky for you — but I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.

And I lo miss l miss you a lot. It’s very lonely here even though I’ve had company on days off met lots of people been around others on my days off. It’s not the same. Humans and wicks aren’t the same as us and being with them is less feels different lonelier I wish you were here with me.

I don’t even know why I’m writing all this. I’m free today and I’m just sitting here writing to you because I’ve nobody no way to talk to you and this doesn’t really count, does it? I’m really just talking to myself but it feels less like that if I’m writing a letter to you because I can pretend.

Fionn

P.S. Managed to convince Niamh to get this to you (see, she doesn’t hate you!) and I hadn’t expected to send it so it’s a mess. I’m really sorry I didn’t write it out again but at least I didn’t throw it away? If she can be stealthy, I might get another one to you in future — a nicer one
~Dentis 3

Easy read version

Aura,

It’s been too many weeks since I’ve had a chance to talk to you but I didn’t want you thinking I’d forgotten about you. I wouldn’t couldn’t after that night with the fireworks. Not that that’s the only reason because I meant what I said that night, all the things I said, even if they were stupid even if they came out a bit wrong.

In some ways, I miss working for Keyes because at least I was close to everything familiar. This Umberto fellow isn’t the worst but he’s somehow weirder, which I didn’t think was possible. He’s really clever but also a bit dense too. He seems to think that I’m like an ordinary servant and so he gives me a day off every week. A whole day of free time is more time than I know what to do with honestly but I’m also trying to pretend that I’m human on those days. I don’t think I’m any good at it.

I haven’t really had much chance to get back into the university proper and it’d be hard for us to see each other even if I did but if you wondered why I haven’t been to see you — that’s why. I’ll probably turn up sooner or later, even though it’s a lot of effort to get in. I don’t even know if I’ll send I can try to get you’ll get this letter because I suppose I’ll have to try to deliver it myself and that probably won’t be easy. I’d try to leave it with Harper but he might not like us writing to each other. If I get it to you, I don’t really expect you to answer — too risky for you — but I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.

And I lo miss l miss you a lot. It’s very lonely here even though I’ve had company on days off met lots of people been around others on my days off. It’s not the same. Humans and wicks aren’t the same as us and being with them is less feels different lonelier I wish you were here with me.

I don’t even know why I’m writing all this. I’m free today and I’m just sitting here writing to you because I’ve nobody no way to talk to you and this doesn’t really count, does it? I’m really just talking to myself but it feels less like that if I’m writing a letter to you because I can pretend.

Fionn

P.S. Managed to convince Niamh to get this to you (see, she doesn’t hate you!) and I hadn’t expected to send it so it’s a mess. I’m really sorry I didn’t write it out again but at least I didn’t throw it away? If she can be stealthy, I might get another one to you in future — a nicer one
~Dentis 3

[Aurelie Steerpike]

7th of Dentis, 2719 - Early Morning | A Brunnhold Garden

Fionn,

I am not good at writing, but I wanted you to know that I am happy to hear from you. I was worried I thought It would have been okay if I miss you, too. Niamh agreed to give this to you. That was very kind of her. I hope it did not trouble her too much. She did not seem happy about it.

I hope you do not trouble yourself too much on my account. It would be good to see you, but it is enough to know you are well. I miss you. I already said that. It is true, though. It is always true.

I'm sorry this is so short. And that my writing is hard to read. I am writing it outside, and it is harder than usual. If you wanted to write again, I would be glad. It is not as good as seeing you, but it is good still. I will try to be better at writing, if that would be okay.

Yours,
Aura

Aurelie had looked at the letter she had written--more of a note, really. And if she hadn't asked Niamh to deliver it--if she hadn't been, now, lonely enough to try, she would have thrown it away. She had sat in the garden on that peeling iron bench and she had thought about what she wanted to say for a long time. Too long, so long she was worried someone would come looking for her. In the end, she had said very little.

I miss you, she had written. And not it is lonely here, without you; for me there is no one else. She had thought she could make out some of what had been crossed out, and she didn't know what to say to that. Maybe it should be enough, that she hadn't been forgotten, and that it wasn't the same. She felt selfish for taking comfort in Fionn's loneliness, and she didn't share that either. Her heart swelled and it ached, too.

If he wrote again, she resolved, she would try harder. She would write back, and she would say more. It felt dangerous, to put her feelings down on paper. But she could try, if he wanted her to. Aurelie read his letter over and over, until she knew each and every word that was there, and all the ones that weren't. Then she very carefully destroyed it, so that no bit of it remained except in her heart, just like she had done with each and every newspaper clipping about her sister. Like she did with many things. Practical and thorough.

[Fionn]

Dentis 14, 2719

Aura,

You aren’t to worry about how well you write because I’d be all too glad to hear from you in any form. Your handwriting is far better than my own and script as well! I’m afraid that if I tried the same, you wouldn’t be able to read anything I wrote. Unless you meant the style of writing? I don’t think people are supposed to write the way that they normally talk and I suppose that I don’t write that way exactly but it is closer to my speech, I believe. I think you’re writing in the right tone for letters from what I can tell but I don’t know that I can write the same way. If I did, I think it would make me seem distant emotionally as well as in reality! I hope that you’ll forgive me — even if we aren’t meant to apologise to each other!

I never expected you to be able to make a reply to me, even with Niamh as a (somewhat) willing messenger but I can’t tell you what a lovely surprise it was! Hopefully we can do this somewhat regularly although my sister did point out that we should be careful to avoid it looking suspicious. I wouldn’t like to get you into any trouble and while I’d like to say that this Umberto fellow doesn’t really care about anything, I don’t think he’d be pleased if Niamh showed up here every other day disturbing his work. I wish that she could though if it meant hearing from you!

I’m afraid that I probably won’t get to see you in person for awhile because I currently have to be on my best behaviour. I did something somewhat stupid — the night I wrote to you first as it happens — and Umberto was less than pleased. I didn’t do any real harm beyond being a nuisance but I have learned that I should be careful with alcohol even if it makes things seem a bit less lonely.

I’ve been thinking about you quite a lot, especially that night in Yaris. It feels like a dream but a very good one and I wish that I could relive it. It wouldn’t have to be all of it — I don’t want to seem greedy — but I’d settle for what we had at the beginning of that night. I wish I could just be close to you. I never thought I’d miss something like working in the laundries where I could touch your hand while we washed clothes. It was a small thing but I took even that much for granted.

I keep saying how I miss you but saying it in different ways so I should stop writing before you grow sick of it. I really do miss you though. I don’t want you to miss me, I don’t want you to feel as lonely as me but I suppose if we’re both missing each other at the same time, it’s a bit like we’re closer and a bit less alone because of it.

Fionn

Easy Read Version

Dentis 14th, 2719

Aura,

You aren’t to worry about how well you write because I’d be all too glad to hear from you in any form. Your handwriting is far better than my own and script as well! I’m afraid that if I tried the same, you wouldn’t be able to read anything I wrote. Unless you meant the style of writing? I don’t think people are supposed to write the way that they normally talk and I suppose that I don’t write that way exactly but it is closer to my speech, I believe. I think you’re writing in the right tone for letters from what I can tell but I don’t know that I can write the same way. If I did, I think it would make me seem distant emotionally as well as in reality! I hope that you’ll forgive me — even if we aren’t meant to apologise to each other!

I never expected you to be able to make a reply to me, even with Niamh as a (somewhat) willing messenger but I can’t tell you what a lovely surprise it was! Hopefully we can do this somewhat regularly although my sister did point out that we should be careful to avoid it looking suspicious. I wouldn’t like to get you into any trouble and while I’d like to say that this Umberto fellow doesn’t really care about anything, I don’t think he’d be pleased if Niamh showed up here every other day disturbing his work. I wish that she could though if it meant hearing from you!

I’m afraid that I probably won’t get to see you in person for awhile because I currently have to be on my best behaviour. I did something somewhat stupid — the night I wrote to you first as it happens — and Umberto was less than pleased. I didn’t do any real harm beyond being a nuisance but I have learned that I should be careful with alcohol even if it makes things seem a bit less lonely.

I’ve been thinking about you quite a lot, especially that night in Yaris. It feels like a dream but a very good one and I wish that I could relive it. It wouldn’t have to be all of it — I don’t want to seem greedy — but I’d settle for what we had at the beginning of that night. I wish I could just be close to you. I never thought I’d miss something like working in the laundries where I could touch your hand while we washed clothes. It was a small thing but I took even that much for granted.

I keep saying how I miss you but saying it in different ways so I should stop writing before you grow sick of it. I really do miss you though. I don’t want you to miss me, I don’t want you to feel as lonely as me but I suppose if we’re both missing each other at the same time, it’s a bit like we’re closer and a bit less alone because of it.

Fionn

Dentis 19th, 2719 — Early Afternoon

He hadn’t thought that she’d ever come. He understood that she had to space out her visits to allay suspicion, he understood that but it had taken so many days for her to bring Aura’s last letter and it seemed an added torture to have to wait for her to come to collect his response. Frankly Fionn was lucky to have had a sister who was so supportive, one who was willing to carry missives back and forth between passives when there was so much forbidden about the whole affair — unlike Aura's who would have lynched him. It would have been all too easy for her to refuse and he was grateful, of course he was, but he also suffered the impatience of youth, every moment a painfully agonising eternity.

The teenager had almost been rash enough to go to Brunnhold himself to seek her out to deliver his response personally, especially given how changeable his mind was right now, but he’d refrained. It hadn’t been for his own sake that he had held back but the kitchen maid’s. Hand-delivering a letter to her would have painted her as a troublemaker — a rule breaker — and so he had stayed with his carefully written words, reading over them again and again and contemplating rewriting them anew — a fourth time, a fifth!

Such careful rewriting! Not just to neaten his abominable hand by painstakingly copying what he’d already dashed off in his eager haste but to eliminate the horrible crossed out words that plagued his initial draft and his last missive. The youth had even gone so far as to consult a dictionary to ensure that some of the trickier words were spelled as they ought to be. He had done everything he could to ensure that the letter was perfect, hunting for any sign of a potentially hurtful flaw — he had had plenty of time to reflect on the possible damage of the ill-chosen things he’d jotted down the last time. Not to mention that he'd had plenty of time to reflect on whether he should send the letter at all, given the words he'd had with Ana a few days before.

Even now as his sister hovered in his doorway — expectant, impatient and more than a little ill at ease as she shifted on one foot and then the other — the blond found himself rereading the words again, even though he could have recited them by heart at this point.

But what harm could a letter do really? Better to send it as it was.

“Fionn… do you want me to deliver it or not?” she asked tightly, an exasperated sigh escaping her even as she threw a quick, furtive glance back over her shoulder, tense with anxiety and expectation. As if Umberto would—could—sneak up on them — as if he would care!

“Yes, yes, I’m just- I’m just being sure, okay? I don’t- Are you sure it’s all right to bring this to her now? I mean… it’s safe?”

The redhead sighed, glancing down as she picked at a fingernail.

“Yes, I can do it. I told you that I can come up with a legitimate reason to see her and I understand that you aren’t- You seem a bit brighter because of this and if it makes you happy…” Niamh shrugged, examining her fingernails in minute detail.

He carried the carefully folded paper to her in a delicate grasp as if it was fragile, still withholding it when he reached her side and he was in the thick of the minutely agitated mona that surrounded her.

“You aren’t going to- You haven’t been reading them… have you?” the boy asked timidly, pink blooming in his cheeks.

Hazel eyes fixed sharply on his face, auburn brows arching.

“Should I want to?” she questioned sternly, her voice making her brother feel like a butterfly that had found itself mercilessly pinned in place while living.

“No, it’s probably a bit… pathetic. But even if it’s pathetic, it’s still mine!” he shot back, shifting from timid to indignant and back again as he continued, “Even if it’s pathetic, I’d still like to know that it’s private…”

He couldn’t look her in the eye, his gaze tracing the marks within the paper; it wasn’t of the highest quality. Still he heard her sigh and felt that sympathetic flattening of the mona around them both.

“Of course I haven’t read any of it — and I wouldn’t.”

Her hand appeared within his field of vision, palm up — harmless. He laid the letter in it, watching her fingers curl around the paper, claiming it before tucking it away safely inside her satchel.

“It’s safe with me, don’t worry.”

The siblings gazed at each other uncertainly, awkward.

“Be good, Fionn.”

Niamh’s lips pursed, dipping into a frown and then leaned in quickly to kiss him on the cheek.

He shrank away once her lips made contact, even though she was already in retreat.

“Sweet Lady! What’ddya do that for? I’m not five!” he whined, rubbing at his cheek with an expression of utter disgust.

His sister looked sheepish.

“I don’t know. It seemed… appropriate.”

“For an old maiden aunt, maybe,” he muttered; it wasn’t clear if she heard or not.

“Oh well. Maybe it’s from Aurelie. In spirit,” she remarked slyly, a crooked smile tilting her lips. She turned and walked away, the blind staring after her with a mix of amazement and utter bewilderment.

Had Aura-

No… she would never and yet…

Would it be strange to ask about such a thing in his next letter or simply add something in the right spirit as… that?

[Aurelie Steerpike]

21st of Dentis, 2720 - Afternoon | Brunnhold

Aurelie frowned very intently at Fionn's letter. It was much neater than the one before, with nothing crossed out or blotted away. But it was very long. She didn't mind, of course. The letter, this letter, read like how Fionn spoke--which was, when he got going, in quite a large volume. She smiled, biting her lip. It was chilly outside where she had tucked herself away to read, leaning up against cold brick and mostly in shadow. Not even the somewhat thin Dentis sun to keep her warm.

Fionn,

I meant both of those things, I think. I hope this will be a little bit better. I am still outside, but I am better prepared. I do not really know how letters are supposed to be. It is not like I get mail. I will do my best.

Every other day. Aurelie smiled again, safe in her semi-dark little corner. And, because nobody was around to see her, she laughed. Quietly, and just to herself, but she laughed all the same.

I will be careful. I do not want to upset Niamh. Or Umberto (?). Or you, of course. I do not think I could find the chance to write that often, anyway. I would not like to write to you in the lab. Maybe that is strange of me. But I still hope to write at least sometimes. Since I cannot see you.

The smile and the laughter faded when she got to the next part. Careful with alcohol--yes, she thought. That seemed wise. When she went to write her reply, she hesitated. It seemed to her that she should tell him--about her friend, about her sister coming to visit. But the memory of her sister's visit, of meeting Niccolette, still brought with it a heavy wave of anxiety that made her stomach hurt and her hand shake. And how to mention Niccolette, without mentioning her husband, without mentioning Aremu? She didn't know. Aurelie wanted to tell him, because it was a very strange sort of thing to have to tell. But she thought rather uneasily that it didn't seem the kind of thing she should put in a letter that could be found.

Besides, Aremu had come to tell her that someone had died. She had fought with her sister. Niccolette made her uncomfortable, somewhat. All of these were dour things she didn't think he needed to hear. It sounded like things were not so terrible for him now; she thought she might be a little envious, but mostly she was just happy for him. He deserved it, for things to go well.

Being careful seems good. I hope awhile is not forever. I wish to see you, and tell you things. My sister came to see me. I want to tell you about it, but I do not think in a letter. I am sorry.

I miss you, too. I think of you a lot. I do not think I can get sick of hearing you say it. But missing the laundries is perhaps very dire indeed. If you must miss work, the kitchens are a better place for it. Even if I cut my thumb that time. Easier to talk to you then.

It was a dream. Or it is now, because I dream of it. All parts. I am sorry, I hope that is not odd. I just mean to say that I am thinking of you even then.

Yours,
Aura

Aurelie flushed, embarrassed as she read the last part over again. She almost crossed it out, but she hadn't much to use if she were to start over and she had taken enough time away to write this as it was. It would just have to stay, and hopefully he didn't think anything strange about it. Or that she was strange, rather, for having written such a silly thing down.

She wrote the whole letter without even being truly sure that it would be delivered any time soon. But she thought so. Hoped, at least. Knowing that she was thought of, that she was missed, both eased and added to her loneliness. At least she hadn't written what she wanted to--sentiment that she shouldn't commit to ink and paper. Something in her felt sad and fragile to not be free to do so. That, she thought, might have just eased, and not added. She supposed she would never know.

[Fionn]

Dentis 36th 2719

Aura,

You need to apologise far less, especially as we promised each other that we wouldn’t be forever saying sorry. I say that but then I also feel the need to apologise myself. I’m quite contradictory but you’ve no doubt realised that by now.

I have to say sorry for the delay in this letter as you probably expected a reply a lot sooner. I should probably say the same in advance for any future letters as I think it would be better if we didn’t write to each other very often. It isn’t that I don’t want to hear from you, I just know that this isn’t in your best interests.

I have a second thing to apologise for, a bigger thing, especially as you may already be aware of this if your sister visited you.

Ana was here, a few days before I sent my last letter with Niamh. She came to see Umberto, the galdor I’m working for, and she recognised my bracelet. I didn’t realise it until it was too late, I just thought that she was being kind, but then I realised that she wanted to know about my connection with you. I don’t know if I’ve gotten you into trouble — I managed it that day you cut your thumb in the kitchens too — but I do know that she’s unhappy with me knowing you. I imagine that if she knew about these letters then she would be very unhappy.

She may already have told you about this and told you of things that I haven’t put here and for that I am very sorry. I considered warning you in a postscript in my last letter but I decided against it and I’ve worried that it was the wrong decision ever since.

We shouldn’t be doing this — I know that we shouldn’t be — but what happened between us before, that was a lot worse. That can only ever be a dream, I think. If I do see you, it can’t be repeated, and we probably can’t be alone together.

If nothing else, I should see you in the lab and I understand why you would feel strange writing there. I think it is the same way that we’d feel if we acted familiarly there in front of the galdori. Neither thing should happen there.

I don’t mean to sound cold and I don’t want to hurt you, although I’m afraid that it might happen anyway. I’m just trying to make everything as clear as possible and being sentimental won’t achieve that.

Please understand that I only want what’s best for you and I think that the best way to achieve that is to keep distance between us.

I really am so sorry.

Fionn

Easy Read Version

Dentis 36th 2719

Aura,

You need to apologise far less, especially as we promised each other that we wouldn’t be forever saying sorry. I say that but then I also feel the need to apologise myself. I’m quite contradictory but you’ve no doubt realised that by now.

I have to say sorry for the delay in this letter as you probably expected a reply a lot sooner. I should probably say the same in advance for any future letters as I think it would be better if we didn’t write to each other very often. It isn’t that I don’t want to hear from you, I just know that this isn’t in your best interests.

I have a second thing to apologise for, a bigger thing, especially as you may already be aware of this if your sister visited you.

Ana was here, a few days before I sent my last letter with Niamh. She came to see Umberto, the galdor I’m working for, and she recognised my bracelet. I didn’t realise it until it was too late, I just thought that she was being kind, but then I realised that she wanted to know about my connection with you. I don’t know if I’ve gotten you into trouble — I managed it that day you cut your thumb in the kitchens too — but I do know that she’s unhappy with me knowing you. I imagine that if she knew about these letters then she would be very unhappy.

She may already have told you about this and told you of things that I haven’t put here and for that I am very sorry. I considered warning you in a postscript in my last letter but I decided against it and I’ve worried that it was the wrong decision ever since.

We shouldn’t be doing this — I know that we shouldn’t be — but what happened between us before, that was a lot worse. That can only ever be a dream, I think. If I do see you, it can’t be repeated, and we probably can’t be alone together.

If nothing else, I should see you in the lab and I understand why you would feel strange writing there. I think it is the same way that we’d feel if we acted familiarly there in front of the galdori. Neither thing should happen there.

I don’t mean to sound cold and I don’t want to hurt you, although I’m afraid that it might happen anyway. I’m just trying to make everything as clear as possible and being sentimental won’t achieve that.

Please understand that I only want what’s best for you and I think that the best way to achieve that is to keep distance between us.

I really am so sorry.

Fionn

Dentis 38, 2719 — Lunchtime

He’d spent an extraordinary amount of time drafting this letter, some of it having been written even before he’d received the last response from Aurelie. His encounter with Lilliana Steerpike had left him rather uncertain, doubting whether his decision to leave his last letter unaltered and without mention of her sister’s visit had been the correct one, or if he should have at least added a postscript.

His last letter had been so full of sentiment and part of him had wanted to toss it in the bin and start afresh in a manner that would be less likely to reinforce the ties that existed between them. However, by the time Niamh had appeared, his own selfish needs had well and truly won out.

And he’d had his conscience gnawing at him ever since.

That the woman had gone to visit her passive sister at some point between their communications didn’t seem all that surprising, and it could well have been why she’d been in Brunnhold on that day a couple of weeks ago. The fact that the kitchen maid had mentioned such a visit only made him feel worse, especially as he wondered if news of what had transpired between himself and Lilliana had already reached her.

It was ironic really, that he’d only thought about how seldom his conscience bothered him when he’d met Yazad—that incredibly peculiar man—and only the day after Ana’s visit too! Well, he had certainly felt its sting plenty since then! It had really reached new heights once that last letter had left him and so he had begun composing, reasoning that he’d fit it in while also tailoring a—more subdued—response to the girl’s newest letter; it hadn’t proved to be quite so simple.

What harm could his last missive have done? It was something he’d considered beforehand and he hadn’t thought that it could be too bad. He hadn’t believed that it could strengthen the ties between them, the thing he’d told her sister that he wouldn’t do, and he had convinced himself that it would be a small thing really, a balm for the loneliness in both of their hearts.

Then he’d decided there was a world of harm in it, prolonging her pain instead of severing things in a more abrupt and vicious fashion. The boy had hurt others often enough and surely it would be easier to do that from afar, so detached, but Fionn hadn’t been able to bring himself to do it. Lies weren’t hard for him to come up with and she’d probably be all too willing to believe that what had occurred between them in Yaris—when he’d told her he loved her—had all been a means to an end, including a hope of similar pleasures in the future. But he’d been repelled by the very notion of doing something so deceitful.

He found himself caught between promises, one where he wouldn’t abandon her or knowingly hurt her and the newer one that would prevent him from binding her to him more tightly. If he ignored the latter then it might only cause greater harm in the long-term, but if he ignored—or at least bent—the former in order to uphold the latter then there might be further consequences that he could foresee.

An impossible position, that’s what he’d put himself in and thus, the young man had aimed for something truthful along with a warning about what Ana knew. Not that he had disclosed his true thoughts on her sister. The woman gave the horrible impression that her attitude towards Aura was like fondness for a pet—if found them suitably diverting at times. The blond only hoped that that impression wasn’t accurate and had simply been born of dislike.

As he handed it to his sister, he could only hope that he’d made the right decisions.

“Are you sure that you’re alright, Fionn?” Niamh asked, hazel eyes roaming his face as her brows pinched together. “You don’t seem… you usually seem a bit more um… excited, I suppose. You didn’t look too pleased when I brought you Aurelie’s last letter and you haven’t-”

The galdor cut herself off, lips pressed together though it was clear that she was chewing the inside of her bottom one. The mona almost writhed around her, making her anxiety all too palpable.

“Frankly, you’re acting more like you’ve been told that someone d-d-died!” the redhead blurted, an apology writ on her features even as she radiated worry. “And you waited this time instead of- Is everything-”

“Everything’s fine, Niamh,” he interrupted, anticipating her question. The youth would have forced a smile if he thought it would have been in any way convincing, but he thought if he attempted it now, he’d be more likely to worry her more.

“Really, it’s just… difficult. I’m worried about her and about this”—he turned away to tidy and straighten belongings on his little desk so that he wouldn’t have to look at her—”and I know that you weren’t keen on this idea to begin with and, you know, maybe you were right.”

Silence reigned over the room, but enough of her field remained in range so that he could feel the questions simmering in the air between them. It stretched on and his sister was the first to feel the need to fill it.

“Well, yes but- Does that mean that you’ve thought better of it? Do you not want me to…?”

“Yes—I mean, no, I want you to deliver it, but it’s probably a good idea to cause as little trouble as possible. Maybe see if she’d be willing to wait a few weeks before she writes back”—if she writes back, he added silently—”and then- Space wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

Silence endured once more and with only so much he could do to keep himself appearing genuinely busy, Fionn risked a furtive look to see how she was receiving this. His sister seemed quite troubled, but he’d known that from the shifting in her monic aura, the sentient particles pushed about like sand in a desert storm.

“If that’s what you want but Fionn? You know that you can talk to me about—well, whatever you need to. Especially with this. I’m… I’m the last person who has the right to judge you for doing… what you shouldn’t… when it comes to this. I just want you to be happy, you know that.”

Nothing. Quiet settled once more and he could sense as much as see when the student reached her limit, turning to favour her with a wan smile. The weariness of his expression gave the impression that he was the older of the two.

“I know.”

[Aurelie Steerpike]

Vortas 07, 2719 - Early Morning

Brunnhold

Dear Fionn,

No, I did not know my sister spoke with you.

Aurelie hadn't minded the wait between letters, not truly. She wished she could hear from Fionn more often than once every week or so, of course, but she did understand. No doubt he had found things to fill his day off that made letter-writing fall in importance. She had never had one, but she hoped it was so—there had to be better things to do than write letters to her. And there was the danger to consider, even with a trusted go-between.

There were three words in the letter that made her mouth dry and her heart stop, only to start again with a painful shuddering. Ana had...? Before or after she had...? Aurelie's stomach dropped the longer that she kept reading. It had to have been after—Ana had no reason to ask before. Aurelie twisted the bracelet unhappily, fretting at the ties.

She didn't know what that meant, about her sister's kindness. Aurelie stopped reading the letter to frown. Her sister was kind, Aurelie wanted to protest. Perhaps if he were here in front of her, she could have. But she had only a letter, and they rarely responded when you spoke to them.

I am sorry. That is part of what I meant to tell you, when I should see you again. I hope she didn't that no harm came of it. Ana is not always polite, but she means well.

The rest, she ought to have expected. She had told herself to, over and over. It hardly needed saying, really. After all these weeks...? She hadn't even known, until he wrote to her at the end of Yaris, that she wouldn't even catch sight of him in a hall anymore. So why, then, did it feel like the ground had opened up beneath her?

Aurelie tucked herself into a dimly-lit corner of an empty room to read the letter, and she was doubly glad of the isolation now. Her face felt strange, a mask overlaid of muscles that refused to obey her wishes in any way. Her face was, Lady bless, dry—Aurelie didn't fancy trying to explain red eyes when she returned to the kitchen, even if it was unlikely anyone would ask. It was her throat that burned, and her heart that ached.

Thank you for being clear.

For a long time she was stuck on what to say after that. This was for the best, she thought, and she knew... She could only be worth it for so long. And what more was there to want of her, now? Fionn had more of the world now, and the people in it. She knew that. Had known it from the start.

Oh, she was an idiot. A sentimental, ridiculous fool.

It was a short letter, in the end. Less a letter, really, than a note. Well, that was probably—for the best. Her handwriting seemed to her a little worse than usual, and she didn't quite understand why. She deliberated, too, on how to close it. That was no easier than the rest of it.

Yes, I will see you at the lab. That would be nice.

You do not have to be sorry. It's all right.

-Aurelie

She would still go to the laboratory, she supposed, if... Aurelie had only agreed to it to see Fionn, really, but she had agreed. And she would keep her word, as best she could. She would just have to... to prepare herself. Smile, she thought, when she saw him, so he wouldn't think... It really was all right. It would be all right.

She had prepared herself for this, she reminded herself. She would be just fine.

Everything was all right.

[Fionn]

Achtus 1, 2719 — Evening
.

He shouldn’t be writing a letter—he was in no fit state to do it—but he’d decided yesterday and-

But so much had changed since yesterday.

There was a tremor in his limbs, the shaking as he set out paper. Picking up the pen, he fumbled and dropped it. He felt raw as if all of his nerves had been stripped so that he felt everything and it was all too much.

He set his hands flat against the table, pressed them hard against the wood, the quiver seeming stronger as he felt the jitters against its surface. He took a deep breath and let it out shakily. He flexed the fingers of his left hand rapidly, spasmodically as if to rid himself of his tremor as he pressed the other hand down on the paper and dated it.

Dearest Aurelie,

So much sentimentality, far more than usual, but he was having a lot of feelings right now. It gave him a moment’s pause, Fionn unsure how he wanted to continue—if he wanted to continue— but then he pressed on, writing swiftly, showing none of the care that he usually did.

I never wanted my last letter to come across as cruel but I think you took it that way anyway. Your sister made me feel as if I’d ruin you you’d be better off without me and I was so scared that I thought I had to hurt you to help you, but I couldn’t make myself really hurt you either. I wasn't clear at all.

The blond wiped at his eyes, rubbing ink on his face at the same time that he removed tears from his puffy cheeks. He’d thought he was done crying for the evening but he didn’t seem capable of stopping as it turned out. Fionn didn’t even know why he was crying at this point. Was he angry, upset, frustrated? Could he even think straight? He probably shouldn’t even be writing this letter right now.

No, he definitely shouldn’t be writing it right now.

Family Galdori confuse things, they say that they want what’s best for us and that they know what that is, but what do they know? They’ve all got their selfish reasons. They don’t know what it’s like to be us—being passive—none of them do. I’m almost as bad, trying to protect you but I’m the problem selfish too.

The servant tossed the pen down, adding an interesting new blot to the paper as he shoved away from the table. He started pacing, combing his fingers through his hair as he muttered to himself. He shoved his hands in his pockets. He took them out again. He picked up his pillow, positioning it in a way that would make it good to punch then plucked it up and threw it across the room instead.

His mother. His fucking mother. She'd come and it had upset him completely. The fact that she'd shown up at all had done plenty to screw him up, but every word that had been exchanged between them afterwards had only done further damage.

At least he hadn't cried in front of her, or Umberto. Plus he'd thought that he'd gotten it all out of his system before he started this, but clearly he hadn't; his vision was a complete wet blur.

He wanted to tell someone about it—Aura, there wasn’t really anyone else—but he also never wanted some of it to be repeated ever again. He wanted to tell her something about it though, it was at least part of the reason why he’d started the missive in the first place, and not solely because he’d already made plans to do it today and would be loathe to have Eliza Madden disrupt anything else in his life today.

Scrubbing furiously at his eyes, the youth resumed his previous activity.

There’s so much I haven’t told you about what’s been going on with me, but probably you’ve done the same. Maybe you wanted to keep some things to yourself—like your sister.

He chewed the inside of his cheek.

What if he started writing and it all just came pouring out on the page? What if it would be like pulling a loose thread and discovering that it began to unravel everything? Where did he start? How did he start?

I’ve been so terribly lonely here. I never thought I’d miss other passives so much or want to be invisible. We’re unusual out here and our uniforms mark us for what we are and it all feels wrong. And then when I go out dressed like a human, pretending to be one of them, I’m so afraid that someone will know what I am. There’s no one I can tell this to who isn’t a galdor and they don’t understand anything ...

That last line was scratched out a bit more aggressively than previous ones, his anger or his pain driving his hand.

... and I don’t have anyone out here. Niamh doesn’t count, she isn’t here that often and she’s blind oblivious, and I might want to see you more but I can’t—it’s so much harder now. Niamh brought me home with her in Vortas and I’m different everything’s changed I hardly know who I am what I’m supposed to feel anymore. If I hadn’t gone with her then my mother wouldn’t have visited me today—some idea of me anyway. She didn’t come to talk to me—not the real me, the way I actually am—but just to make herself feel better. She didn’t want to see the real me but she did and I think she was very sorry. Maybe you’d feel the same if you saw the way I really am too.

The page swam before him in his vision, dirty and stained by the ink with which he’d marked it intentionally or otherwise. He used his forearm to clear it, sniffling pathetically.

She wasn’t who I thought she was either and maybe Ana is like that for you too—or you’ll come to realise it later. She probably has an idea of who you are too, and she might not understand what you need or want at all.

I should never have tried to distance myself from you because it was what she wanted. I shouldn’t have tried to be kind or polite. I should have told you what a sly bitch she was, how sweet she made herself seem to get what she wanted out of me, and turned nasty when things didn’t go as she planned. I should have just gone with my instincts and told you to be careful of her. She might not be what she seems and she could well want something from you that you shouldn’t have to give—like my mother wanting me to forgive her for everything she did even before I failed the initiation.

But be careful of me too, Aura. I’m better when I’m around you but that’s not who I really am and I change my mind too easily to do what’s best for you. I do care about you, but I’m selfish enough to be willing to drag you into hell with me.

He paused.

Always yours,
Fionn

He buried his face in his hands and began to sob in earnest again for perhaps the sixth or seventh time this evening. What did it matter? More than likely, he wouldn’t send the mess of a thing anyway.

***

Achtus 4, 2719 — Morning
.

P.S. I wasn’t fully certain if I should send you this letter given the state that it’s in but I’ve decided that maybe you should see it because of how raw it is. It’s perhaps the closest to the truth you’ve gotten from me so far.